Why does it have to be so bloody hard?

[WEEMICHY]

This is my first post on MN. I don't know how to best deal with my DS. He is 17 and has been a complete nightmare for the past 2 years. I feel like I could just give up on him as he is making mine and DH life unbearable. Bad attitude, drinking, smoking weed, rude, lazy. He has a part time job but getting him out of bed at 7.15am on a Saturday morning is so difficult. I dread the weekends. Every weekend ends up with an argument about his drinking or attitude. We are so worn down with it all. My own mental health and that of my DH is suffering badly. I love him so very much but he makes it so difficult. We have had so many talks and he has promised to change and it works for a week or two, then it is back to the same old crap time and time again.
He wont listen to us and seems to only want to spend time with his mates, who are not good influences. He has a GF but even she has had enough of him. I suspect she will end things soon as he kicked off at her last night in our house. She is worried about him too and I am worried if she dumps him he will go completely off the rails.
My DH is finding it so difficult, they used to do so much together and now DS doesn't want to do any of the outdoor activities he used to do. This breaks my DH heart and he misses the relationship they used to have.

I know people will think I should just hang in there but we have been dealing with this for 2 years now and I don't know if I have the energy for anymore. I am waiting on my dad to have a bypass operation and recently got some bad news about a friend who has cancer. I really don't need DS adding to worry and stress I am already dealing with.
Feel like a complete failure.

[GuestWW]

I am sorry that I cannot offer any advice, but just wanted to say it doesn't sound like you are in any way a failure, you are looking for solutions. Good luck.

[Iwanttoseethesea]

What does he do when he's not working on s Saturday ? Is he still at school ? How is he finding these habits ?

[Wolfiefan]

So tell him you won't get him up.
Then don't.
He won't have the cash for weed then!
What does he do the rest of the week?

[Peanutbuttercups21]

Back off and let him fail a bit?

Not your responsibility to wake him up, my instinctive reaction to your post is to back off a bit

Let him lose his job, it's his outlook

Focus on living your own life, DH too

[WEEMICHY]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. In answer to your questions he is currently finishing off a BTEC course and will be returning to that in September. I really don't want him to lose this job as he will only make life more difficult if he hasn't got any money of his own. This is his 2nd job, the first one he left after one month.
I am hoping he will mature this summer but I am finding it very difficult at the minute. Just needed to vent and let off a bit of steam. Thanks for all your replies.

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

Only dirty fuckers would bend someone over and spank them lilethat. Who the fuck wants to see their grown sons arse while inflicting pain? Only a dirty fucker, that’s who. BigPierre Sounds like a dirty fucker.

As for actual advice, I’d let him fail too. The weed I couldn’t get too worked up about to be honest nor the drinking unless it’s seriously excessive or he seems dependant. But he is almost an adult now and will need to learn consequences. Losing his job if he doesn’t show up should be one of them.

[Wolfiefan]

If he loses his job it's his life that will be more difficult. Not yours.
If he's rude and smoking illegal drugs in your house then he stops or leaves.
Drinking where? Coming home Shitfaced? I would lock the door from the inside.
You're bending over backwards to avoid upsetting him or making him face any consequences. You're doing him no favours.
The not doing outdoor activities or confiding in you is part of the usual growing up process.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I agree with PPs, explain to him that you won’t be getting him up on Saturday and it’s his responsibility to set an alarm or two, go to bed at a reasonable time and get himself up in the morning. I wouldn’t be replacing the cash he loses in wages either.

Also agree that not talking or wanting to do outdoor activities is just a normal part of growing up. We might not like it but we’ve all probably done it ourselves.

Welcome to MN too OP

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

Ah OP - you've made the mistake of posting on the teenagers site for support. You will get a mixed bag response cos in MN land they magically mature at 17 , do everyting for themselves and you are no longer required to help or support them.
Que a thousand posts telling you he is an adult, make his own mistakes, nothing to do with you etc. Back in the real world you are doing your best. I get you don't want him to lose his job - the only thing you can so is keep telling him how much you love him and waiting for him to get it

[Midlifemumofteens]

You are not a failure! You clearly care about your son. Our DS is 15 and displaying lots of the same behaviours. It just seems so unfair that some teenagers grow up OK and others are a total nightmare. I don't have any words of wisdom but hopefully you will feel a little less lonely knowing there are others going through the same thing. Hang in there!

[WEEMICHY]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I realise it sounds like we baby him but it is us who drives him to work. There is not a regular bus route to where he works, it is a 10min drive so therefore we are up anyway.
He does not smoke weed in the house, and I suspect this is an occasional thing anyway. I would never lock him out of the house and I would never ask him to leave because he is a bit of a brat. His drinking can be excessive in that he gets drunk and can be a A***e but I suppose it is all part of growing up. He has just turned 17 a few weeks ago and most of his peers are already 18/19. Most of them are already driving.
I just really wanted to have a moan. I know he is not the worst and he knows we love him. I tell him every single day. So I am hopeful that this phase will pass and the grumpy teenager will disappear soon and my lovely son will return, albeit much older and much bigger!!
Heres hoping.
I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. Thanks again.