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Those times when you've just utterly, utterly sick of teenagers and their apathy

(221 Posts)
DoinItForTheKids Mon 04-Jun-18 18:12:17

Mine are driving me NUTS.

We've got a chores list - it's literally like pulling teeth. Have just had to repeat the instruction for the third time in 2 days for DS to empty the kitchen bin. So, he finally empties it. He puts a clean bin bag in. All going good so far. He then leaves the full bag tied up in the kitchen. I then have to ask him to come downstairs, take the bag out through the piece of architecture known as the 'front door', and place it into the wheelie bin. Done, but with much huffing and throwing of the front door keys on the hallway floor afterwards. DS never washes, he stinks, his room reeks (frankly, can't wait until he goes to Uni in September but have no idea how I'll fumigate the room and return it to a normal aroma because Febreeze ain't gonna cut it, how effective would napalm be...?).

DD 'feeling sick' so 'can't come down for dinner' and will 'eat later' and 'oh do you mind if I have the living room from 9pm as |I want to watch Love Island' - not too sick for that then... I've told her I'm sick of her 'eating later' and how can anyone feel that sick that often that they can't manage a bit of tea?!? You then can't clear up the kitchen and she goes down later, makes a massive mess whilst heating it up and then I have to sort that out the following morning. SICK of going into DDs room and not being able to open the effing door fully to get in there!!!!! Floordrobe in full swing, crap everywhere, glasses of festering milk from three days ago, rubbish bin full to overflowing - and this is at the same time as she's requesting a substantial makeover of her room including a new bed, new wardrobes and new flooring - who in their right mind would install the white laminate floor she wants when she spills things, grinds in eyeshadow and mascara, lets candle wax pool on the floor, periods all over her sheets and duvet, and just generally leaves a trail of utter devastation in her wake?

The problem is whilst I'm doing what I'm supposed to which is making them do this stuff because they damn well should do it, I'm bloody ^exhausted^ from having to drive them forward to do it all the time. The first week I did keep turning the WiFi router off until they appeared and did the chores but that affects me negatively as well as I can't then come on MN!! angry

It's the sheer levels of energy it's taking and I'm starting to feel highly, highly aggrieved at their bloody attitude.

Oh and today, DS (18) was in all day, it's a non college day. We have a Ring doorbell. Both him and his DS have been told to get the app that goes with it, she has, I don't know if he has. So I'm at work, doorbell rings. I can't do anything about it as I know he needs a signature. So I Hangouts DS. No answer. Doorbell rings again - that'll be the other parcel due today me thinks. I message him again please answer the door. He doesn't. Both parcels taken back. When he finally responds to my Hangouts message about 30 minutes later he says "Oh I only just turned my wifi back on" - BULLSHIT!!! What teen turns their WiFi off, ever?! I said to him tonight this is just normal stuff that families do for each other you know, to help each other out, you are expected to take part in these kinds of helpful acts.

I mean, can't you just be helpful already??

Any brainwaves on ways to achieve submission cos I'm literally at the point where I'm so tired but also so fed up, that I could end up throwing the Sky hub out in the trash until they actively comply without me even having to say anything (and then I'm really stuffed!).

DoinItForTheKids Mon 04-Jun-18 19:00:18

Ah, now a strop from DD! Found three bags of trash on the landing (situated such that if I was coming down the stairs in the morning in order to go downstairs and go to work I'd likely trip over them and break my neck). Please sort them out, put anything that can be recycled in the recycling bags and put the rest in the kitchen bin or in a bin bag outside in the wheelie bin (see, we have a trash theme). Oh well I can't do that she says (quite impressively vehemently for someone who's feeling 'sooooo sick') so I advised that not doing so would result in WiFi off for two days. She's now done it (with a bit of mild yet theatrical door slamming for good measure - took her all of 4 minutes to do so don't know what the fuss was about in the first place).

chocolatepudandchocolatesauce Mon 04-Jun-18 19:08:26

Dont turn the wifi off. Just change the password. You can then mumsnet away happily while they complete chores around you to get the password smile

HollowTalk Mon 04-Jun-18 19:12:57

You will need to think about giving money to your lazy son when he's at university. It would be better for him to go a bit hungry and have to get a job. There's no point in you breaking your neck to help him out when he won't help you out at home.

As for your daughter I'd laugh in her face about having her room made over. Why the hell would you do that when she keeps it in such a state?

Ugh, this has brought back bad memories for me!

HeedMove Mon 04-Jun-18 19:27:06

Just completely lazy and entitled isn’t it. I’d just stop cooking for them for a few days, stop washing their clothes. Get a pot, plate, cutlery and glass, cup. Keep them in your room and don’t tell them. Use them and only wash them and leave all their stuff. Literally just tidy up and cook and do clothes washes for yourself, tell them they are mature enough now to understand why they need to help out in the family home and since they aren’t you won’t be doing anything for them either, hopefully within a couple of days they will get the message and get their fingers out. I’m so stubborn I’d hold out as long as it took.

My 13 year olds room was done two years ago. She wants it done again and I said keep your room tidy for three weeks to show you will care for your newly decorated room. It was a tip by day two.

Also agree about changing WiFi password it’s only thing my teen gives a shit about. Oh and her make up.

littlebillie Mon 04-Jun-18 19:29:44

I would change the Wifi until they change, you are raising them to be independent adults. I would go into kids room and binbag everything that smells and is dirty and stick it in the shed, let them bring it back when they have sorted it and washed it. Don't let this continue, I would take a day off work to do this and keep your sanity.

DoinItForTheKids Mon 04-Jun-18 20:48:32

choc I would do that but I've had a nightmare recently after Sky sent me a new hub (they reckoned the other one was faulty) and I've had to go onto long-winded technical support to re connect my Ring doorbell and Wave digital boiler controller thermostat thingy - it's taken bloomin' ages to sort out and I've still got to get my upstairs telly reconnected to broadband because that won't connect either. Still, it's worth a try I suppose.

hollow Well DS at Uni will I think be ok for money and he already intends to work (funny that, he's shown no signs of getting a job from when I would have expected ie age 17 onwards) and he reckons his loan etc will cover him pretty comfortably so I've actually got very very limited intent to support him financially. DDs got two hopes of getting her room done - Bob Hope and no hope. She can do one on that.

heed Oh make-up! Confiscation would be too, too cruel! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaa!

little If I binned everything that smells in DSs room that would include his bed, bedding, mattress, carpet....!!! I will seriously have to find out what fumigation or other cleaning services there are that would work to remove the aromas because we all know when he's popped out to go to the bathroom on his floor because we can smell the aroma's either from all the way downstairs or all the way upstairs. Poor DD, slaving away in her room revising for her exam tomorrow not realising as I walked past to get a stress-busting Pot Noodle that I could hear her watching YouTube videos. I've given her (like I did DS) every support to revise, revision guides, school have supplied all sorts of support, Corbett etc etc etc - there's really no excuse and sadly if she gets crap results maybe she'll realise that she actually should have revised like I suggested and supported her to do.

Thanks for the replies.

Maybe start tomorrow as soon as I get in from work. WiFi can just go off (I won't want to be on it then grin) and I'll make a meal for myself, issue a list of which I think I will entitle 'Chores of the Evening' (for variety, I'll make it different chores every night, lucky dip maybe - oh that's a good idea!!!).

Every other Friday I come back from work in nearest (12 miles away city) by train to my local station (0.4 miles away). I then drive home, cook dinner for him and his sister, and about 45 minutes later we drive back to that train station so I can drop him to a train that takes him to see his dad (because he won't go on the bus). I'm getting cheesed off doing this even now - his behaviour today re not taking the parcels in (which isn't the first time) just totally demotivates me to care about him and want to 'go the extra mile' on things like lifts in the car when he could go on the sodding bus.

DoinItForTheKids Mon 04-Jun-18 20:50:19

Sorry hollow about the bad memories, tell me it gets better.....?

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Mon 04-Jun-18 22:40:16

I hear ya! Sounds similar in my house but it's slowly getting better and they are starting to do things like empty dishwasher with being asked and keep their rooms a bit tidier. Funnily enough mine refuse to go on the bus too as apparently buses are "for freaks"- said to me who gets the bus every day to work and back!

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Mon 04-Jun-18 22:41:24

PS - think you need to name change to "stopdoinitforthekids" 😁

chocolatepudandchocolatesauce Mon 04-Jun-18 22:44:27

Will turning the wifi off not mess up all those things you have linked to it? Remember the teenage brain isn't actually human. They are totally irrational at the best of times. They are likely to function best at 11pm. Perhaps set them their chores when you go to bed. You may wake up to a clean house! Perhaps use lifts to the station as an incentive - bring down dirty crockery, and clothes and can have a lift, if not he can get the bus. Just be as stubborn as they are. Pretend they are two years old again and set boundaries as you would have done then.
Maybe think about what things you really want them to do. What really gets on your nerves. Everything else is pilled on top but think what really matters (is it the lazyness, the mess, the lack of thanks or whatever? ) and see if small things can be changed.

HeedMove Mon 04-Jun-18 22:46:02

Well they are nearly adults.. if they don't do the simple chores to help you in the house when you work and provide a roof over their head. Tell him he can get the bus if he said he doesn't like it say well going by the way you think you can live life that you only do the things you like. I don't like having to go out the house and drive you to the station when I just got out so I'm not doing it. Stop pandering to them now. Put your feet up on a Friday when you get in. Tell him if he makes you dinner for coming in you will run him to the station. Give and take rather than them just take, take, taking.

chocolatepudandchocolatesauce Mon 04-Jun-18 22:46:31

Easier said than done on all the above though!

chocolatepudandchocolatesauce Mon 04-Jun-18 22:47:11

That was to my last post not Heedmove smile

HopeClearwater Mon 04-Jun-18 23:17:07

Just coming on here to extend my sympathy and say that I’m in exactly the same position angry sad

whywontteenswearcoats Mon 04-Jun-18 23:19:51

Yes now that summer's here I should consider a name change to whywontteensgetsomefreshair or whywontteenstidythefuckup

DoinItForTheKids Tue 05-Jun-18 05:16:16

Oh god, I've just woken up to all your lovely messages - thank you.

I think the timing of my complete coming to the end of my tether is pretty poor with it being in the middle of exams and all but what can you do. I've also hurt my back unexpectedly and it's bloody killing me - which was one of the reasons I wanted DS to empty the bin bag for me last night.

I've even done the "I'm really disappointed in your two's complete lack of mucking in with chores as part of what families do to support each other" and explained it and how it literally drags me down when I try and open DDs room and cant even open the door wide enough to step in - it literally does make you feel tired and worn out and like you've got a massive mountain to climb that you never get near the top of because of them.

I struggle with keeping on top of the house as a single parent with FT job and sometimes due to anxiety (weirdly) and it just drags me down so badly that I have to do this with them kicking and screaming and railing against it. Sadly all I can think of in recent weeks is when they'll both be out of the house at some point! I shouldn't have to think like that.

It's probably been worse because when they first started the chores list and I kept turning the wifi on and off, they were doing it and I can't tell you how much better it felt, how much stress it took off my shoulders to come in after a full day at work to find the dishwasher already unstacked and restacked - just that small thing you know? And now it's back to me having to kick them up the arse for every single one of the chores (which DS especially does but does really badly and not to any useful standard and I usually have to drag him back several times before he completes each one).

I'll have to have a think of whether just going on full strike and only looking after myself is the answer from this evening (be a nice surprise for them). I almost feel throwing away the chores list is the right thing to do because Christ, they've got eyes, if the floors covered in bits, vacuum it, if the kitchen needs a clean down, clean it, you know?

Thank you all, it is literally making me feel really quite down at the moment but your lovely responses have cheered me up so thank you for that flowers.

user1457017537 Tue 05-Jun-18 05:42:04

I have read this and I would seriously chuck them both out. They are both seriously disrespecting you, your home, your love and support. I would change the locks and not let them back in. The description of your daughters room defies belief. As does your sons. No negotiating over a couple of bin bags will sort their seriously bad behaviour out. My sons where allowed friends over whilst I was away, parties, barbecued etc but they knew that when I walked back into the house it had to be as I had left it. I heard later that youngsters even done naked cleaning but it got done.
I have been told by a beauty therapist during conversation asking that she had been to a party where I lived, on closer questioning actually my home, but I never knew by the house and the neighbours said they were not a problem and it was fine.
Please the time for negotiating and pleading with these two is over, they are not respecting you and the demand to redecorate etc is astonishing. Wait until they are both out, put a bin bag for each of them with essentials in, and change the locks. Put the fear of God into the pair of them. And don’t give in to their pleading, emotional manipulation etc. They deserve a few days on their own without your live and support. Cheeky fuckers! Don’t give in I guarantee after a couple of weeks they will realise how well off they were and will be begging to come back

user1457017537 Tue 05-Jun-18 05:43:22

Also you need a rest from them before they make you ill.

Aebj Tue 05-Jun-18 06:00:02

Make a list of all the jobs that you expect to be done in your house:
Load dishwasher
Unload dishwasher
Makes breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
Washing
Cleans toilet
Etc. then by each job write who does it and who benifits . Then give them 2 jobs each from this list. Increase this list to 3 after 4 weeks. Be consistent. Do not give in and do their job. It’s bloody hard. Stick at it. Treat them like toddlers, it takes 3 weeks to learn a new behaviour. Do not give in.
Small steps at a time. Good luck

Fflamingo Tue 05-Jun-18 06:02:55

The worry imv is will their total lack of respect for the fact you work to provide a roof over their heads, cook them meals to keep them healthy and clean to have a healthy living environment might not stop when they leave home, and their attitude might continue into adulthood.They should be kissing your ass to thank you for all the effort you make not being rude and dismissive (though I do realise this is default for many teens).
I don't think I would have a problem doing whatever is necessary to make them behave with some respect, you are not a slave, skivvy, nuisance or nag.

marthastew Tue 05-Jun-18 06:08:57

What about doing it the other way round? The WiFi will only be turned on when all the chores on the list are done - this will also mean that they encourage each other as one lagging behind means no WiFi for both of them. You'll only get your allowance once the chores are done. I'll only drive you to the station if your chores are done etc.

GreenTulips Tue 05-Jun-18 06:09:56

You should have 2 broadband widths 2.4gh and 5 go plus a guest wifi setting

You stuff gets one with one password
They get another
You get one as well

Alternatively look at

koalasafe.com/

You have an app on your phone and you can turn their wifi off and on at any time - preset times limit times etc

They can earn wifi points for helping out etc - all good £70 sanity bargain

BillywilliamV Tue 05-Jun-18 06:22:07

Yeah, chuck em out...(reallyhmm) !

BillywilliamV Tue 05-Jun-18 06:23:44

in the middle of their exams, that'll teach 'em...

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