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Teens & sex in the house(34 Posts)
I know this has been discussed on MN again & again, but putting it into words is helping me to work out what I feel, & hopefully I'll get some positive ideas on how I can deal with this
DD is 16 & her BF of 3 months is 15. She's mature, intelligent, the usual mass of teenage hormones & in the middle of GCSEs. BF is in the year below at her school, comes over to ours a couple of times a week & seems to be nice, polite, funny, & makes her happy.
He's stayed over at ours twice. I made it clear that he was to sleep in the spare room, DD in her room. The first time she 'fell asleep' in the spare room with him & so stayed in there overnight. The 2nd time she did go back to her room - I reiterated the rule to her (& him) before he stayed, said I might check in the night if I was awake, & she was asleep in her room at 2.30 am when I did check.
She's frustrated that I won't let them sleep in the same room, saying that she's mature enough & 'not a child'. She's also told me they wouldn't have sex yet & she knows it's technically illegal (tho' I'm aware that it's very unlikely they would actually be prosecuted if they are both consent & are similar ages & close to 16).
I told her I'd only feel comfortable with her sleeping in the same room if they were both at least 16 & in a long term loving relationship, & that she needs to respect this. She keeps asking "when", and "why". I've told her I can't just give her a date after which it would be OK, and it's because I don't feel comfortable with them sharing a room overnight in my house at the moment.
DS didn't share a room here with his GF until he was 18, but his GFs hardly ever stayed here anyway. DD is very very different to DS, more inclined to be rebellious / challenging, more determined, more sure of herself. DD has never stayed over at BF's - his house has no spare room & he shares a bedroom with his brother. As DD tells me, they have no privacy there so she prefers him to come here.
So - I was clearing out the spare room bin today & found a used condom & empty packet in the bin, wrapped in tissues. A heart in mouth moment. A 'wish I hadn't looked' moment.
I hate confrontations but I feel I really need to talk to her about this. I'm feeling... confused... disappointed & angry about her lying/misleading me... scared that she's having sex already... sad that she's grown up so fast... scared of DH's reaction (he'd probably hit the roof)... concerned that BF's parents are probably unaware (N.B. I'd never say anything to them) ... relieved that she's using condoms...
I'm also a realist & aware that it's much more common for teens to have sex at their age than it was when I was 16, & that attitudes are very different compared to 35 years ago. She's also better informed than I was about sex & relationships at her age - at least she's had sex education at school, which is more than I ever had!
How would you approach this? My instinct is to wait until after exams to broach the subject, & not tell DH at this stage. Realistically I know I can't stop them doing it again. Ideally I want to reiterate the house rules & for her to agree to them. But that hasn't worked so far - why would it work now?! But... if I relax the rules then I'm going back on what I said & I'm undermining myself. Also I want her to keep talking to me (we have a good relationship, she talks to me about all sorts of issues & worries). I don't want her to end up having sex in unsafe places because I won't let her do it here. At the moment I can't see how I can reconcile all this. I have no idea how to even start a conversation about it. Help!?!
Are you sure they used the condom together?
I know this seems like a ridiculous question.
My ds is 16 and he knows no under age girls in his room. Even fully dressed /won't sleep /just watching a film crap!!
My house my rules.
This is massively disrespectful and I think you need to speak to her ASAP. Don’t wait, you need to face this now and with your OH. You shouldn’t keep this from him. If he does go mad then your daughter needs to deal with that as a consequence of going against your house rules. I would be telling her he is no longer welcome to stay in the house as they have both clearly gone against your wishes. It is your house and so your rules as well as the fact that he is underage. If this was reversed and you found out your 15 year old daughter was staying at her 16 year old boyfriends house and having sex, with his parents aware of what had been going on, how would you feel?
Sneaky what do you mean? What alternative are you hinting at?
That he had a wank, she means. (sorry to be blunt!)
If you believe her when she says they wouldn’t have sex yet, could the condom have been used for oral sex? I know some people will say that’s still sex, but to a teenager it’s definitely not the same as actual penetrative sex ...
Okay so first things first- she isn’t disibeying your rule as that was not sleeping overnight nothing to do with sex.
I get that she said they weren’t ready and weren’t going to have sex yet but that sounds like she said it to shut you up.
Sorry- but as a parent of teens you either have total honesty and that means both ways so you hear stuff you don’t really want to...or you live in relative ignorance and pretend it’s not happening (much like your sex life as far as she is concerned) or you lay down the rules and create a situation where she needs to lie and deceive you to carry on as she wants to.
I was a bit of B but mostly A. And I know my teens were able to be honest with me- even when it means I would or could be shocked or disappointed I would rather know that they can always speak to me.
Mind you- I will be a Granny this year so maybe my way hasnt been the best after all. 🙈
Pretend you didn’t see it. Persist with your rules. You can’t stop sex happening but you can say what you won’t allow. And revisit sex education, std’s, contraception and consent, bore her silly, but at least you know she will be interested.
Yeah maybe if he knew he wasn't having sex he chose a different activity
TitZillas- thanks for that... (had to look that one up!)
BrownTurkey yes I've also considered not saying anything. - as Isadora says she didn't break the no sleeping in the same room overnight rule. She tested the water on how strictly I was going to enforce it by 'falling asleep' & not going to her own bed the first time he stayed over
The trouble is, ime, they sleep together (have sex ) very early on now so as teen relationships are often short lived, if you don't set rules you could easily have several young men staying over over the year.
I am in a similar place myself re wanting to keep communication open and honest with my teen yet feeling like I need to take action on what she's told me, which of course if I do she will then be furious and almost definitely clam up and I'll know nothing - I'm finding it so difficult to get the balance right.
I think you can be honest about finding the condom, it wasn't hidden and then maybe ask her about what's happened between them and ask her what 'rules' she thinks are fair and have another discussion reiterating why you have the boundaries you do.
If they are spending the night in the same house I would hazard a guess they are almost definitely sneaking into each others rooms, but if you ban him from coming over then if they are determined enough they will find somewhere else to be 'alone'.
Ultimately I feel we cant really stop them if they are determined enough, and its so hard to keep track with bloody snapchat and apps hiding photos and the like, all we can do is our best to instil in them not to choose to engage in sexually active behaviour themselves.
But I know they think we 'don't understand' and 'everyone else is doing it' and my daughter tells me I should be grateful she talks to me about stuff because none of her (sexually active) friends talk to their parents. Its such a tightrope to walk.
Honestly, I think it's been planted there for you to find. I would speak to your DD about contraception. At the end of the day she didn't break your rules even if she did have sex.
I wouldn't say anything. If they are having sex they are going to find somewhere to do it if it's not in your house. Better somewhere safe then in the park or somewhere similar! I think it's a pretty normal age to start having sex and would possibly speak to her about visiting the docs with her to get the pill? I think keeping the openness in the relationship between you and your dd is the most important thing and I think she may become embarrassed and secretive if you bring up the condom
I'm not sure it was planted fruitcider - it was wrapped in tissues so I think he / they tried to conceal it.
TheBookThief yes this the tightrope that I wobble about on every day, occasionally crashing off in spectacular fashion!
One of the hardest things about making a rule about not sleeping over in the same room is the 'why?'. Everything I say - about me not feeling comfortable about it, about wanting her to wait until she's in a long term relationship, about waiting till she's older etc - will be questioned, challenged, probed for more detail & I'm not good at expressing myself in the heat of the moment. My words come out in a jumble and she's so quick to come back with counter-arguments that I get tongue tied & end up saying the wrong thing! It's almost like I have to have a pre-written script and stick to it.
Lavenderlove she recently had the pill prescribed to try & regulate/calm down her periods, but she hasn't started taking it yet. She's currently taking norethisterone to delay her period until GCSEs finish, then she's going to start on the pill after that. We've talked about using condoms as well as the pill in case she takes one late / forgets, & to prevent STDs.
I'm not going to say anything about the condom for the moment, but I am going to reiterate the no-sharing-a-bedroom rule next time he stays over, even if they do sneak about on the landing at night. And I will revisit the contraception chat over the summer if the relationship continues to flourish. They'll be 16 & 17 by Christmas... growing up so fast.
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I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. In many ways I’m writing this to reassure you. My daughter is 15 and I found out she was having sex a few months ago, admittedly at first I was shocked and disappointed but when I asked her about it she told the truth and explained to me how it happened and how she felt. My daughter has had a rough time with boys in the past but she’s got through it and I also think it’s important for us mums to understand that things really have changed from when we were younger. What’s important is honesty and when you choose to speak to your daughter about this I think it’s important that you ask for honesty and you make sure she understands you are not angry you just want to make sure you are there for her and can give her the support she needs. Things will resolve themselves, they always do x
I am of the belief that it is up to the individuals when they are ready to have sex. Not their mother.
You can say what you do or do not want to happen in your house but to say what she's allowed or not allowed to do with her own body .... sheeesh!!! Controlling much. No wonder she lied.
You say ds didn't have gf stay over until he was 18 BUT did he stay at gf houses before then? And at what age?
Have you spoken to dd about sexual health, consent etc? You mention school sex ed I'm not completely clear on what you've discussed with her.
Why would her dad hit the roof? Was your son sexually active around the same age? Did dh hit the roof with him? I suspect not.
She seems sensible, this is a proper boyfriend not a fling, she's old enough. I think honestly the separate room thing is naive. They're going to have sex if they get the opportunity in fact they'll create the opportunity!
My only concern would be that HE is underage. Are they same year at school?
As you say she can be a skilled debater.
It's rarely spoken of but sometimes it's the girl putting the pressure on. So when discussing consent with her please also ensure she has HIS true consent and isn't using any manipulation.
They're teenagers, to put it bluntly if they aren't doing it in your house they'll just do it somewhere else. Surely you would prefer it to be in a safe environment and not down an alley somewhere?
I think you need to accept that your daughter is growing up, be open and honest and talk to her about all the boring yet important contraceptive/consent stuff yes but don't hit the roof with her because I can promise you if she ever gets herself into sex related trouble i.e. STD's, unwanted pregnancy etc she won't ever have the confidence to confide in you for help.
DS didn't share a room here with his GF until he was 18, but his GFs hardly ever stayed here anyway.
Then they’ll have been doing it somewhere else. You can’t stop them having sex, makes sure she knows she can come to you with any questions or problems, and not shy away because she knows you disapprove.
I allow my sons gf to sleep over. He’s 16, she’s not 16 until August. Her parents allow her to sleep over. I would rather she didn’t but I’m realistic to know they will find away, I’m much happier knowing they are safely in my home. I envisage them spending time with people without boundaries because they allow them to sleep together. That worries me more than anything. What else might they be doing in a place with no supervision. I don’t let them sleep in the same bed but I’m not naive enough to think they don’t sneak in with each other when I’m asleep. I know everyone has their own personal view. You will have to do what’s right for you and your family.