Dd is 15. Today dh and I went to her swimming class, just to watch. I stood quietly behind a wall of the changing area and peeked out. Dd showed no awareness of our presence. She looked happy, engaged and confident. But when she came up to us on her way back to the changing area, her expression changed to fury. She was very angry with us because she had only been expecting dh to come. I had embarrassed her, had done something awful by coming when she had only expected dh. She went into a cubicle and the coach came up to us worried that something was wrong. By the time dh and I got to the cubicle (without the coach) dd was almost in hysterics - gulping breathless sobs of distress. She described it as a panic attack. TBH it didn't look like a panic attack to me, but she was genuinely distressed.
This sort of thing has happened before, but rarely so extreme.
Another thing I don't get: dd hates me calling her name in public. If, say, we're in the town precinct, and I see her waiting for us and looking in the wrong direction, my instinct is to call her name, but that makes her very angry. Recently I was looking for her in a service station, so I went into the loos and called her name. Then I remembered that she hates me doing this, so instead I called her by the nickname that everyone except me uses. No answer, so I told dh she was not in the loos. We were getting worried when dd came out of the loos. She had heard me, but had refused to answer because I had called out loud. She wouldn't or couldn't explain why.
What's going on? What is upsetting her?
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Teenagers
I don't understand dd
JellySlice · 30/05/2018 21:51
That's so true about the guilt of feeling embarrassed! I remember feeling that myself (a ridiculously long time ago) so much mixed emotional angst!
Ha love your revenge tactics 
It's a complex age. They are starting the journey to adulthood and independence and as much as they want that, they also generally still yearn for parental support and love.
It's conflicting and a default way to deal with it can become to lash out at unwanted and unnecessary involvement.
My own experience with teens is you have to back off - don't assume the things they used to enjoy you supporting them doing require the same input.
I know watching a swim session doesn't sound like a big thing to you, but at that age having parents (especially both) displaying such an interest can seem babyish and embarrassing.
At 15 you're expected to feed, fund and taxi teens. Any attention beyond that is by invitation only - what that does mean is letting them know you are/will be there when they need you is that the invitations get more frequent.
All the above however is dependent on no backstory I'm missing wrt your relationship pre-teen years which I'm assuming was positive.
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