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Dick pics and porn- where do you stand?

(33 Posts)
AnneTwackie Thu 24-May-18 14:06:54

My 13 yo son has sent naked pictures to a girl in another school, they’ve got out around his own school and it’s causing him a lot of trouble. All the advice online and from school seems to be that this is normal behaviour and to help him feel better. I’ve taken his phone and he used my computer for homework, then I found porn sites on the history. Again, all the advice seems to be this is normal and not to over react. I have spoken to him about how porn is unrealistic and often perpetuates abuse of women and how stupid sending nudes is, he seemed mature and agreed so I’m shocked he sent the pictures and thought it was ok to look at porn, on my computer, whilst he should be doing homework.
I’m disgusted with him, I think he deserves the hassle he’s getting at school, I don’t feel any of this is normal, I’m angry and upset and the trust is completely gone. I don’t understand why he’s not really ashamed. Is this my problem? I just feel the advice is too liberal, does anyone agree?

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LilQueenie Thu 24-May-18 14:16:15

Im surprised the police haven't been involved. Its not normal and he doesn't sound mature at all. what the hell was he thinking when he sent the pic? trying to somehow impress her. urgh. sort out the settings on the computer so he can't access porn.

Andro Thu 24-May-18 14:17:41

I'd be in 'tonne of bricks' territory! My DS would be grounded, tech confiscated and all privileges having to be earned back - his homework would be supervised (I'd also be checking all IT security and having dh do the same).

He'd be getting very limited sympathy from me, but he would be having some very pointed conversations about the distribution of indecent images of children and the law.

LilQueenie Thu 24-May-18 14:17:49

sending those pics is a form of sexual harrassment and I would have serious issues with that school.

AnneTwackie Thu 24-May-18 14:23:01

I’m glad it’s not just me being old fashioned! To be clear the girl also sent pictures so the school, and police, are regarding this as consensual and don’t prosecute under 16’s anymore unless they distribute the image- I hate that I now know so much about this crap. We had the discussion about porn and sending nudes before this all happened, hence why I feel so shocked and let down. The computer controls were an oversight, all his tech has been removed (has controls) so he was using mine (no controls.

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madvixen Thu 24-May-18 14:23:30

He should be very scared right about now as this actually counts as making and distributing child pornography. He needs to clearly understand the ramifications of his behaviour.

madvixen Thu 24-May-18 14:24:59

Sorry OP, I Cross posted with you

AnneTwackie Thu 24-May-18 14:25:56

@madvixen the police have said though it’s an offence they don’t prosecute under 16’s, they hinted that this is rife so to do so would be too time consuming.

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AnneTwackie Thu 24-May-18 14:26:20

And again @madvixen sorry!

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Sofabitch Thu 24-May-18 14:26:57

It's becoming too common. But be warned my friends DS was just prosecuted on child pornagraphy charges for exactly this despite being under 16 at the time images were exchanged

NeverLovedElvis Thu 24-May-18 14:28:40

I read somewhere of a mother who responded to her teenage sons porn use by making him watch with her. She gave a running commentary on how uncomfortable/painful/dangerous/humiliating the various acts would be for the woman, asked him if he thought she was truly enjoying it, how she might feel, etc. Sounded like a very difficult thing to do but was apparently effective.

Mxyzptlk Thu 24-May-18 14:31:19

police, are regarding this as consensual and don’t prosecute under 16’s anymore unless they distribute the image

So how did the images get out around his own school?

Someone must have distributed them?

hellsbelle47 Thu 24-May-18 14:34:17

I remember this happening at my daughters school a few years ago. The boy involved was very traumatised by the whole thing, even though he started it. A very troubling option that kids have now with the use of phones and they don't realise that mud sticks for many years! I'd be devastated if my kid done this and i'd try and get a local policeman to have a word, hopefully scare him off this type of behaviour.

Andro Thu 24-May-18 14:35:20

Your disappointment can be a powerful tool, depending on your dc (mine hate my disappointment, they'd much rather I got cross). There's a time for a liberal approach, this is most certainly not it.

I wonder how he'll feel in a few years, when a potential employer does a name and/or image search about him...only to be confronted with the proof of his capacity to make silly choices? Does he realise that once something is in cyberspace it's almost impossible ot remove?

AnneTwackie Thu 24-May-18 14:38:01

Yes, the girl showed it to friends, it was on snapchat, screenshotted etc. I think the gist from the police is it wouldn’t be in the public interest to hunt down and investigate every 13 year old who shared it. I understand that, but might have answered my own question- if the kids know this, the only deterrent is the embarrassment but my son doesn’t seem to be embarrassed because it’s rife so it’s a viscious circle.
I just wanted the reassurance that other mums would also be livid as everyone around me seems to be treating him with kid gloves!

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AnneTwackie Thu 24-May-18 14:39:47

This was almost word for word the conversation we had BEFORE he did it anyway @andro ! Such a stupid choice to make, but then teenagers are impulsive aren’t they?!

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Doh9899 Thu 24-May-18 14:44:32

Lots of kids do that. Its not right but it's very common. I think you're overeating a tad

AnneTwackie Thu 24-May-18 14:46:09

Love that typo- how very rude of you doh8899 grin

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AnneTwackie Thu 24-May-18 14:50:40

@neverlovedelvis what a wonderfully mentally scarring idea, I love it!

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Andro Thu 24-May-18 15:03:03

but then teenagers are impulsive aren’t they?!

They certainly are.

SoFake Thu 24-May-18 15:04:40

You need to tighten up his ability to access online porn. Id get him a phone with parental restrictions on and also sort out any computers or laptops etc at home. If he has an iPhone then you can easily set up parental restrictions so that he is unable to delete any of his search history. He has breached your trust and this is your opportunity to take action.

I'd be drumming into him that by accessing porn he is running the risk of accidentally seeing images with children in. He can't know how old the girls (or boys) are. Does he really want to risk looking at children being abused. He also can't Know that some of the people involved in the porn aren't being forced to do it. Does he really want to watch people being raped....

Porno mags are a safer option 😕

NeverLovedElvis Thu 24-May-18 16:45:58

Learning that women and girls are people and deserve respect is the safe option.

PinkCherryBlossomTree Thu 24-May-18 19:52:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernSpirit Thu 24-May-18 20:39:00

No, it’s not ‘normal’ sending a picture of your dick to a child which has then been sent round. I hope he’s assumed. Sadly so many grown men think this is normal behaviour. Its not normal and why would you be making him feel better?

It’s disgusting behaviour and against the law.

I hope you are putting some punishments in place?

AnneTwackie Fri 25-May-18 09:06:00

@pinkcherryblossomtree same here, there’s a website called ‘think you know’ which gives advice to parents on talking about it and that compares it to wearing a miniskirt in the 60’s and parents being shocked by that, I just feel sad for our young people if this is the new norm. Just in case anyone finds themselves in the same position, we’ve gone the consequences rather than punishment route i.e. until you can rebuild our trust you can’t have a smart phone, go out after school or use computers at home unsupervised. This seems to be getting the message through and also keeping the teasing at school just in school.
I honestly thought the talks I had had with my son prior to this happening and having really good communication were enough to prevent this situation occurring, it just goes to show you can never assume a job is done with parenting. Thanks for all your replies everyone.

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