16 year old DD - lies, drinking and girlfriend

[Changeissometimesgood]

My 16 year old - 17 in a few months - has been lying to me about most things about her relationship. We have now got to the point where she has admitted to a romantic relationship with a girl. Not an issue, it's a relief to be open about it. The girlfriend has always refused to meet us. I just accepted this and thought it would be inevitable one day. I can't say I'm that bothered about the lies (or secrecy) as I was incredibly secretive as a teen and my DM knew hardly anything about what I was doing!

However, this weekend we went away for one night and left her and her older sister, and DD decided to have this girl around for the night without telling us. I found this out after finding a mostly drink bottle of spirit in her room.

So what I'm angry about is that this girl who has refused to meet us has had the audacity to come into our house, and I expect that her mother doesn't know that we didn't permit this. I am also concerned about DD drinking although I'm guessing this is binge drinking only when they're together either once a week or less.
I feel like going to her mother's house and telling her what has gone on.

How do I go forward with this? Any advice please?

[Bytheseabythesea]

Hmm, I actually think the issue is the refusing to meet you, rather than the drinking or coming round while you're away. I don't think it's healthy for a partner to not meet the family (has your older daughter met her?) and I wonder if you would feel the same if it was a boy refusing to meet you. I would talk to your daughter about the dangers of binge drinking, and then gently try to make it clear that you would be keen and welcoming to meet her partner.

Disclaimer: I don't have teens! But I have been in relationships where they tried to isolate me from my family - not normal or healthy

[Crispbutty]

At that age I don’t think it’s that much of an issue.

[lljkk]

I don't understand getting into a huff that she was in your house even though you never met her. I could accept that fine.

Drinking would bother me more and lying would bother me most of all. Do you think your DD is lying about the GF not wanting to come around? Really your DD just wants to keep the GF private? Something doesn't add up.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think if your dd wants to be treated like a young adult, and have a relationship, drink alcohol then she needs to start behaving like one.

She needs to be respectful of you and the family home so that would include discussing with you if she wants people over.
Decide how you stand on the girlfriend. Are you happy to let her stay over? In your dd's room or sleeping elsewhere? Or maybe for an evening but not all night? Decide and then set some house rules.

At 16, she's not too old for consequences if she can't respect some basic house rules. I understand it's hard. I have teens and getting them to communicate is a challenge in itself!

I would push to meet the gf if possible. Even if that's a casual Hello before they go out. Is she the same age? A whole bottle of spirits between 2 of them is a lot. Your dd must have felt pretty out of it. I'd be interested in the dynamics of the relationship. It's important your dd isn't pressured into anything too intense at a young age.

You say you're fine with her having a same sex relationship so you also need to make that clear so there is no need for secrecy or lies.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Storming over to the mother's house to tell her what's gone on sounds like a bad idea. If you want your dd to start behaving like more of a responsible adult then you also need to treat her like one. It's a difficult shift but pays dividends eventually.

[Changeissometimesgood]

Thanks everyone. I did meet her outside the house under the pretence that she had 'just turned up' so I was open and friendly to her. This was just before I knew the actual truth.
I am trying to treat her as an adult. But does this mean detaching myself? I'm a bit of a control freak, but I do trust that she is mature enough to look after herself.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

It's difficult. Trusting her is great but there needs to be mutual respect. She's still only 16 so it's important that you insist that she sticks to house rules. Teens do push against boundaries though, there's always a bit of a battle as they start to get their own lives away from the family.

You sound like a good mum. It's just worrying when you don't know what they're up to. Mine have definitely given me a few wrinkles and grey hairs.

[colditz]

She's nearly 17. Unless you have right of financial control due to her disability, it's not a case of "Do I trust her?" - you don't get a say.

You don't have to allow certain behaviour in the HOUSE as it's your house. You do get a say over that. But you don't actually get a say over what she does. You could lock her out of the house while you're not in it - but then she will go elsewhere to do the things she wants to do and at nearly 17, all the police will do is check that she is safe. They will not return her on your say so.

If you really want to stop her obtaining alcohol you could report her to the police and they will ask her where she got it from as she's under 18 and drinking without your permission. She will lie to the police and be furious with you.

You went away overnight and thought a nearly 17 year old wouldn't have alcohol and her partner round? Really???????

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I wonder if the gf's parents aren't going to be so understanding of her being gay? Perhaps that might explain her insistence on keeping things secret? Or maybe their peers at school would tease them or something so they want as little people to know as possible?

[Changeissometimesgood]

Colditz you are right I've been naive but this girl has never made any effort to travel anywhere to meet DD. She insists DD goes to her and she won't even come down to meet her at the door, so DD has to go in and make her own way around the house. So I never thought she'd bother!

Thank you for all the comments I'm finding them all so helpful . Her parents could be an issue but they've been under their roof almost weekly overnight for a while now. If they aren't open to it then maybe my DD thinks we will be the same but this would certainly not be the case. If she had asked for permission I would have said yes and insisted on meeting her before the weekend.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Really OP did you never have a boyfriend around while your parents were away for the night?

Going around to the girl’s parents house sounds like a perfect way to drive your DD into further secrecy and harming your already fragile relationship.

Like others have said, I’d have a little chat with her about the binge drinking, maybe take her for lunch or a coffee just the two of you so that you will be on neutral territory and make it clear that the girlfriend is always welcome at your house.

[Changeissometimesgood]

Jilted my parents were never away for the night. The comment about me going to her house was made a bit flippantly and I apologise if it misled but I was expressing a feeling and not what my actual intention. I will have a chat with her sometime as suggested.

[Nb65988]

Bit of an over reaction every teen does this when the parents are away and why the need to meet the girl maybe she's shy I didn't want to meet u my parents never met any of mine till I met and had children with my partner maybe she has been brought up different and it if she is saying to daughter to come to her all the time tell ure daughter she can come to ure house but needs to leave at certain time