For the past year now we've been having problems with our DS. He's bright, attends a grammar school (Y10) but has always hooked up with dodgy friends outside school, some of whom have been excluded from other schools. His attitude at school is bad - has already been excluded once for persistent defiance; his grades are way off target and has no interest in studying. We have had lots of meetings with school and each time it's been a 'last chance' scenario. A couple of months ago he was picked up by the Police for shoplifting - trying to steal a bottle of cider to take to a party.
We have a Family Outreach Worker assigned to us who seems to have had one session with him a month ago and then has been off sick, so little support there. He's constantly glued to his phone and on his PS4 - except when either of these are confiscated! Very little interaction with the rest of the family - nothing in common with DD, 17. For the last six months I've been concerned that he's smoking - I've found cigarette papers, lighters, tobacco, filters, e-cigarettes and vaping liquid in his room. When challenged he's always denied it. But for the past few weeks I have been able to get into his phone (while he's at school) and have seen photos of him smoking, pictures of bags of cannabis changing hands, texts about dealers and various other references to weed. bud and biffs. I've confronted him about it, tried to talk reasonably about the choices he's making and the risks involved but have told him if I find anything like that at home I'm going to the Police. However, I know if I report him this will very likely lead him to getting excluded from school again and simply drive him more towards his dodgy mates. He has a job so gets a regular income each week - which he mainly seems to spend on clothes on DeePop - so definitely has enough to buy drugs and cigarettes.
My DH had a massive row with him last weekend as he was grounded (due to lying to us about where he was; going away for the afternoon to another town on the bus and not coming back at agreed time) but he ran off anyway. DH is at his wit's end - has said he doesn't even like him, feels if he doesn't 'do as he's told' he will throw him out when he's 16 (can he do this?). There is no negotiation or attempt to understand him and most of the time I'm mediating between the two of them; big strain on marriage. DH doesn't know the extent of the problem and I feel like I'm carrying the burden of this on my own. Anyone else going through this? Any ideas of how to engage with DS and get him back on track? I live in a constant state of high-alert waiting for the next phone call from school or from the Police.
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15 yr old DS - smoking, drugs and school
Midlifemumofteens · 29/04/2018 22:53
I could have written your post. I cannot bear the cannabis use. Looking at his stoned face makes me want to smash it in 
. (Of course I never would). I have no idea what the answer is. I’m hoping it will stop but goodness only knows if it will. You are not alone.
This sounds so difficult and I really feel for you 
Not my own dc but my brother was exactly how you describe. Got in with a wrong crowd excluded from other schools. Grades started bombing and he stopped hanging around with his nice friends and it just went horribly downhill from there.
Disrespectful and threatening to my mum, drugs which started with cannabis and then went on to class As like mdma, LSD etc. My mum hoofed him out and he went to live with our alcoholic step grandad. He started stealing cars and eventually got caught. The only thing that finally caused him to see the light was very very nearly ending up in prison.
My mum did the wrong thing by just kicking him out immediately to somewhere that his behaviour was further enabled. But if perhaps there was some family away from these friends where there was no nonsense, I could see that being perhaps quite helpful. Is he interested in the military at all? Does he have elder relatives who served before?
It sounds like he needs some good role models (aside from parents who are 'lame' by teenager default) and he needs some direction. What does he want from his life and does he realise the impact that a criminal record will have on that dream? You need to get through to him that his life will be at best, mediocre, and at worst, soul destroyingly miserable, if he continues on this path. Show him those people in town who wander around off their faces, socially ostracised and alone. He needs shock tactics I think.
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