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Teen girl almost 14

(9 Posts)
xmasdude Sun 15-Apr-18 19:23:31

Hi I have name changed for this. I am worried about my daughter. She is nearly 14 and she is on various internet boards. She has been conversing online with a boy that she called her boyfriend. Things have been quite sexual with them describing what they want to do to each other but they broke up(?) on Friday. The thing that worries me is that she has said to him she has been watching porn and another lad on this discord is describing what he is doing with his girlfriend. I know teens get very sexual at this age and I suppose I should be grateful it's all online fantasy but not sure if I should tell her I know. We are quite an open family about sex and love and she has said on there several times I am a great mum she can talk to but this is heavier than I like. But is that me being an old fuddy duddy because we whispered in our mates bedroom in my day not online. The PC is downstairs so know access at night but she has a phone she takes to bed. I have decided to remove the phone at night but not sure if I should tell her I have been checking her posts because she will ask why I am taking it. Just as worrying is that on this site she is talking about having two personalities and cutting herself. She has a cut on her thumb she said she did at school but I am struggling is this online talk to make them all worry about her and she is being dramatic or does she really think she has two personalities and is she hurting herself? I have seen no evidence of it. Sorry I am rambling but am I worrying without reason? Thanks

TheVastMajority Sun 15-Apr-18 19:33:08

my foster DD was sent on an internet safety course about safety. They told her that sexting explicit stuff at her age is illegal and could land her and the fella in big trouble with the law. Altho in reality the police wouldnt do anything, it was enough to stop it.

We dont let our kids have phones in bedrooms or bathrooms. Phones stay downstairs at night.

I think you would be OK saying that you have seen some of her posts on the computer. Theres some guidance here

Doryismyname Mon 16-Apr-18 09:31:53

Does she actually know the boy she has been conversing with or is this an online relationship? Which internet boards is she using or is this happening on social media?

xmasdude Mon 16-Apr-18 19:44:33

Hi she talks to him on discord. Met him on VR chat. I have removed the phone at night. She is angry with me but so be it.

TheVastMajority Tue 17-Apr-18 11:10:31

OK im not going to beat around the bush....your 13yo is talking to a stranger online, and swapping sex talk and watching porn.

How old is this "boyfriend"? Because he is probably a 40 year old, 17stone trucker called Trevor looking for vulnerable young girls.

My friends daughter was caught by a chap who said he was 14, all lovie dovie, persuaded her to send him naked crotch shots - surprise surprise it was a false account set up to entrap young girls. Predators are very good at doing this stuff.

YOU are not safeguarding your child OP.

I think you need to block all but a few Apps and stop her talking to boyfriends shes never met online! Maybe get yourself up to speed on internet safety too, because how on earth could you have allowed your 13 yo to have a virtual boyfriend. Talking about sex.....Un huh, and she has never met him? ...YOu are terribly naive OP. YOur DD has the excuse of being young, but as an adult - have you been hiding under a rock for the last 5 years to not know this?

Maybe as a start point, speak to the NSPCC about online safety. 0808 800 5002.

You need to put some boundaries and parental controls in place. SHe is 13! You are the one in control of the phone, you pay for the contract and the wifi, so stop thinking that she is going to be mad at you or that you shouldnt talk to your child about this stuff because YOU are the adult here. You have a duty to keep her safe. SHe is not the boss, and you are not her friend - you are the parent. Take back control, not just at night but always!

2 apps to suggest - Our pact, which is supposed to be good, and QUstodio which is £32pa is excellent for monitoring, blocking and time limiting phones. SUpposed to work really well with ANdroid, works ok with iphones.

You also need to get rid of chat apps other than those you are happy to monitor, and not allow any new apps except with your parental password.

YOU have to take responsibility for what she is up to on her phone. SHe is not old enough and you are putting her in real danger by being so lax with internet safety.

Kirta Tue 17-Apr-18 11:17:33

Absolutely everything @TheVastMajority said. From a Safeguarding perspective this rings massive loud alarm bells. Being proactive is the only real safe option in this case.
Good luck!

TheVastMajority Tue 17-Apr-18 12:38:21

also OP, please take screen shots of the conversations and have a chat with the safeguarding person at school, or speak to your local PCSO or someone in the police child protection team, or speak to the NSPCC anonymously about the content of these messages.

A crime may have been committed here, and this person she has been sexting may be someone who is sexting other vulnerable children. SOme experts believe that sexually explicit conversations are also illegal, so if this other person is not who they say they are, its important that the necessary authorities know.

Also check her photo gallery, including the deleted photos, to establish if she has taken and possibly sent any pics to this chap.

Please do have a big conversation with her after informing yourself about the risks she has taken. CHild Sexual Exploitation is a very serious issue.

Doryismyname Tue 17-Apr-18 14:49:00

Everything @TheVastMajority said. This is way beyond ‘online fantasy’ or sexual curiosity. Your DD has been talking to strangers online, calls one her BF, talks to these people online about watching porn and self harming. It’s highly likely that your DD has been exploited and these sickos have got inside her head. Please report this and get some support for your DD.

xmasdude Sat 21-Apr-18 11:39:14

Thank you for your advice. All sorted now.

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