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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

15 year old relationships

19 replies

Butterflybelly · 10/04/2018 10:30

I’m a lone parent. No support. Ds is 16 in a few days. His gf 15. Pretty sure they spent the night together last night at a friends. I have nothing more than instinct. No proof. She’s in his room when I got back from gym this morning. He says she came round early. I just don’t know how to handle this without being overly intolerant. She is a lovely girl and I like that he has a positive influence. He’s a worry generally for me. Smoking weed etc. I don’t want to restrict him too much. Or he rebels. Been there, done that. How on earth do I manage this situation? If they were both 16 I wouldn’t be quite so bothered. Please help.

OP posts:

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Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 10:34

She might have come round early. I used to go to my bf at about 8am - but I was probably wagging it and we were sleeepibg together.

I had my dd1a month after my 16th.

Id be making sure he has plenty contraception to be honest.

The weed smoking would be more if an issue for me.

However if it was my dd sleeping with her bf it would be a different matter

Butterflybelly · 10/04/2018 10:43

I’m afraid I confronted them. Gf has gone home, son is raging and smashed something. I’m not backing down. I feel as if they are being disrespectful. Ds has blamed me and said gf is frightened of me and not coming back. I’m not in the least scary and again feel as if I’m being manipulated. I do not feel like a good parent.

OP posts:

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 10:56

butterfly I lose my shit daily. Doesn’t mean you are not a good parent.

It’s perfectly reasonable not to want her in his room while going not in - as teenage pregnancy’s happen - like me! But if they are having sex it won’t be just his room.

I ran away when my SM tried to ban me from seeing my bf. I went straight to his uncles flat and stayed there for two days.

How your home is run though is totally down to you, I never let dd1 have a lad in. So in the end she stopped asking.

I would imagine boys and girls have to be treated differently. I would wait till he has calmed down and try and talk to him about why your not happy that she is there, that it isn’t personal it’s just something your not comfortable with.

Then I’d talk about his weed smoking and smashing things up. That is not on.

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 10:56

Being not in**

Butterflybelly · 10/04/2018 11:03

Dancing, the weed smoking is not going to stop. They’re all at it in my area. Believe me, it’s been absolute hell. In fact, life generally is shit. I’ve lost all control and had accept I’m no longer listened to. The smashing something is also fairly normal these days. If it’s actually broken I will take the money to replace it from his allowance. I honestly can’t wait until he’s older and I don’t have to keep trying to get him to behave like a decent person. He’s honestly not all bad. I need to take responsibility for setting boundaries. I’ve not been good with those.

OP posts:

Scabetty · 10/04/2018 11:12

When he is calm can you get him to listen to your concerns? Take turns to have your say. If they are having sex he needs to make sure they are taking precautions; condoms and the pill. Smashing things isn’t showing anyone he is grown up so he needs to control his temper.

bonnyshide · 10/04/2018 11:26

I would not have confronted them.

I would have had a heart to heart with my DS (and have had this very conversation with my own 16YO DS) about birth control, STD's, consent and about how emotions can intensify when sex is involved, especially at such a young age. I was clear with him about respecting the women (girls) in his life.

He was cringing when I spoke to him, but he did take it all in. I also provided him with condoms (queue more cringing from the teen)

He has, since this conversation, been more open with me about his relationship and I think he knows I support him but require him to behave well.

Teens have sex, it's a fact, I did at that age. I don't think being confrontational and getting into rows will help in any way.

Butterflybelly · 10/04/2018 11:35

I really wish I hadn’t confronted them. I feel bad now. We’ve already had the talk about sex, consent, respect etc. I think it’s my problem and I don’t teally know what I should and shouldn’t allow in my home. In one sense I feel it’s ok and in another I’m torn because they are only 15.

OP posts:

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 11:42

bonny sheis only 15 so I can understand why she was annoyed. It still is against the law for good reason.

op is there any chance your son would talk to a health care professional about his temper and smoking weed? That would be a real worry for me if one of my kids were taking it regularly. Weed smoking in young men often has a very detrimental effect on their mental health.

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 11:44

Hindsight is amazing but in reality most of us deal with shit possibly in a way we wish we hadn’t. I think what’s important now is where you go from here.

15 is too young to be having sex. I take this as the opportunity to put some fresh boundaries down.

Butterflybelly · 10/04/2018 11:58

Ds will be 16 soon. I’m very aware of the mental health risks. I’m from a mental health background. He’s already having counselling through school. Although I’m not holding much faith in that. The counsellor apparently ran over with another client when my ds was due his last session and so it was cancelled. It was his second session. That’s another story. I don’t think the weed smoking (and probably other ‘recreational drugs) is going to stop. I’m honestly stuck. I need counselling myself

OP posts:

lozzalou93 · 12/04/2018 12:54

It could be the way I was raised influencing my opinion but he sounds slightly spoilt, kicking off at you and having an allowance? I would stop the allowance. He’s 16, he’s old enough for a paperound or weekend job. If he wants to start acting like a grown up then he needs to change his behaviour.

You shouldn’t feel bad, you have done nothing wrong at all.

Butterflybelly · 12/04/2018 13:13

You’re probably right lozza. He’s my only child and his father has rejected him on a regular basis so I’m probably overcompensating. I’m trying to strike a balance between allowing him a childhood and getting him to be a responsible young man. We have agreed job centre for summer work and he’s agreed to get a weekend job to supplement his allowance. I had a really hideous childhood and don’t want him to have the same. I think it’s probably made me a worse parent. Overcompensating and poor boundaries are not a good combination. I’m trying my best. It’s not easy doing it all on my own. He does have lots of nice qualities. I can’t wait for these teenage years to be over.

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NorthernSpirit · 12/04/2018 13:30

They are both 15, the girl is underage. You did the right thing confronting this. Your house, your rules.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/04/2018 14:22

Such a tricky age, I was relieved when mine were through the 13-16 stage as I really wasn't sure what was ok and what wasn't with the constant boundary pushing. It does really make you doubt yourself as a parent, and DH had a tendency to over react so I kept stuff from him. I was willing them to grow up a bit.

Plus judgement from friends who seemed to have perfect teens

Still hard at times at 17/18 but def better!

The thing that would concern me with your DS is that if he does get a job then there will be more money to spend on weed/other drugs/booze.

Butterflybelly · 12/04/2018 18:16

Thanks for throwing that into the mix big sandy . I didn’t think of that. Oh lord, there’s no end to it. I don’t think there’s any easy answer. I guess all I can do is keep on as I am and hope for the best.

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/04/2018 19:48

Sorry didn't mean to worry you more!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/04/2018 19:49

It will get better 💐

HipsterAssassin · 14/04/2018 11:17

OP I have absoutely no advice but from one lone parent (though admittedly have support from the ex) to another (dd1 just turned 15 and has just had the contraceptive implant fitted has smoked weed and had to be removed from her friend’s last night for lying about where she was) it’s the most awful time. My confidence as a parent has evaporated. She is currently in her bedroom sulking and feeling hard done by. Last week we had stand up row and trip to family planning. When she got the implant fitted all I could think of was ‘thank goodness, it will protect you until you are 18 and no longer my bloody legal responsibility!!’ It was the stress and anguish that made me think it. Awful. Can’t wait for this stage to be over.

You are not alone

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