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(26 Posts)
user1484937392 Fri 06-Apr-18 12:07:57

DD Is 13. She was going out with her friends from school, always in contact. Knew who they were, where she was etc. Thought everything was good. Always in on time. Always respectful. Then a bomb drops. DD was ‘seen’ giving a boy (who she now says was her boyfriend of a few weeks) sexual pleasures and him doing it to her. Spread like wildfire. She denies it. He denies it. But one person who saw said it was definitely happening. I don’t know this person who said it. Then found out DD was swearing at adults when out and about. Calling certain adult the C word. Had to contain my temper. Now grounded. No phone. No internet access. I’ve sat the past 2 days talking to her. She saying she doesn’t see the problem. She has no guilt or feelings about it. She said it’s fine. She wants to go back to this boy. She doesn’t care about what people are saying about her. School friends have dropped her. She now has no one. But doesn’t care.
I told her how it makes me feel about her doing this stuff, asked her what else she has done with this boy. She just smirked. Kind of licked her lips then laughed. She’s 12. It’s like I don’t know her anymore. That split second she went from being my little 12 year old to a stranger. She said she doesn’t care how I feel about it. After all of this came out, she woke up, come to me all laughing joking. Happy. It’s like nothing affects her. I can’t sleep. I can’t forget about it. I go over and over what I’ve done wrong in raising her. To much trust too soon? We built it up over time so wasn’t immediate. I’m not meaning to drip feed. I’m just frazzled. Just worn out. Just confused.

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user1484937392 Fri 06-Apr-18 12:09:19

Realise I’ve put 13. She 12! Not 13

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Zebrasmummy Sat 07-Apr-18 00:01:58

Wish I had something really helpful to say, but I don't think I do! Having said that, I couldn't read and run. Sounds like it's pretty tough for you ATM. I wonder if contacting Early Help might be a place to start. They should have someone that can try to get things back on track and figure out what's going on. In the meantime I'd say that she's in a defensive state of mind and unlikely to admit she got things wrong/made poor decisions. And, I don't think you can talk her out of that - most people can get a bit stubborn when backed into a corner. Maybe just some time to quietly contemplate her actions and know that you are worried and disappointed but love her all the same. Of course, there's a chance the sexualised stuff is teen exaggeration or outright lies to cause her trouble!? It wouldn't be the first time, but you know the route the information came to you by so you'll have to figure that out.

GreenTulips Sat 07-Apr-18 00:05:56

School maybe able to help, you need to speak to a speaclist health worker for an informal chat - ring they have programa

She probably thinks she's big and clever and wants to look big in front of her mates

Ban the boyfriend

Don't let her out unsupervised until she has regained your trust

Get her off social media

Drop and collect her from school

ggmam Sat 07-Apr-18 09:09:47

I feel your pain i really do. being a parent is the hardest job in tbe world. being the parent of a daughter trying to keep her safe in this world is a challenge.
I would advise u talk to trusted friends or family helps me trying to manage it alone is lonely. Im not sure what services are in ur area but ive phoned parent line for advice before which was a massive help and got great support.

Runninglateeveryday Sat 07-Apr-18 10:09:55

How old is her boyfriend?

I would contact early help or children's services 12 is very young to be sexually active. I'd be concerned she is very vulnerable, she has already isolated herself from friends and family who does she have apart from him now!

user1484937392 Sat 07-Apr-18 12:24:46

Her boyfriend is 12 too. She’s been banned from any outside activities. Whether that be through internet or going out. I haven’t even given a time limit, it’s just forever. No phone. Being picked up / dropped of from school. Always me or my DH in the house at all times. Never giving her a chance to get out.
She said a comment to me which has played on my mind when I said about her having sex and pregnancy.
She said “But mum I’m not on my period so I can’t get pregnant”
It’s like everything I ever told her about periods or what the school have taught her just didn’t sink in! She only started her period the week before. Now I’m even questioning whether that was a period or her losing blood because she had sex?
I know I’m probably over thinking it all but to have a comment like that, then there be NO signs she was coming on her period. She came in at 6pm that day bleeding. Ran to be bathroom and was panicking.
I’ve booked an appointment with the GP on Monday. To talk it through with them. Maybe she might tell them not me if she’s had sex?
Say if that was a period then she would have been out with the boy for a week after her period.
She’s still not opening up about it al. And is still acting like nothing is wrong. Still asking me why she is grounded. It’s just crazy!!

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GreenTulips Sat 07-Apr-18 12:26:53

Can you speak to the boys parents

youarenotkiddingme Sat 07-Apr-18 12:29:46

I think you're doing the right thing even if I can't offer advice.

She sounds very vulnerable at 12. Not understanding the implications of her actions is what makes her so.

I know lots of my friends with teen girls this age say year 7/8 have been the most challenging.

I have a ds - apparently year 9/10 is worse for them - I'm dreading it! (Ds year 9 atm)

LittleLightsShineBright Sat 07-Apr-18 12:45:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mogloveseggs Sat 07-Apr-18 12:47:01

^^and that they don’t need to have full blown sex to either.

cottonweary Sat 07-Apr-18 13:09:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fuckingitupforfree Sat 07-Apr-18 13:19:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

user1484937392 Sat 07-Apr-18 13:39:24

Reported for what?

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user1484937392 Sat 07-Apr-18 13:43:08

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this as they either have younger children or no children. So going to anyone for advice is not possible.
Spoken to his mother - she just keeps saying sorry about it all. I don’t think she truly believed me. But wth DD admitting it, there’s no denying it.
I explained to her BEFORE all of this about pregnancy, her body etc. The school did too for the whole term.
It’s like it doesn’t sink in to her!

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mogloveseggs Sat 07-Apr-18 18:56:43

Has something happened at school that you don’t know about?
She might be lying about the second stuff and just trying to hurt you?
My dd is same age and has been a nightmare for the past year lying running off refusing to come home. She plays up more when has had issues at school.
I spoke to her head of year who referred her for pastoral support which helped.
My sympathies op it’s fucking shit wine

mogloveseggs Sat 07-Apr-18 19:08:12

Dd has a boyfriend too and I’ve been clear about sex and am just praying that they’re not doing it. When I told her that if she got pregnant now she would be my age (late 30s) with a 25 year old that seemed to hit home

user1484937392 Mon 09-Apr-18 15:22:58

I’ve been to the Drs. They are going to put me in touch with a Heath Visitor.
DD is still acting like she does. Still wondering why she is grounded. Still trying to make contact with him. I don’t believe anything happened that day. But am not ruling out anything otherwise. Drs said at least the HV can do is talk properly to DD about the implications of sex or sexual contact. For future reference. As I said to Dr, she won’t have the chance to do anything now anyway as she is grounded for years!
I’m always in contact with her school. She is a top student. Never skips, always hands in homework. Partakes in lessons. All round great student. I’m thinking it’s more of - she was always bullied. So never went through the whole ‘bf/gf’ thing at school. No boy wanted to go out with her. All her class had a bf/gf but she never did. So it feels like she’s making up for lost time?

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GreenTulips Mon 09-Apr-18 15:26:51

Not all would do the GF/BF thing and it doesn't make it acceptable at 12

DD class were quite grossed out by all the snohgimgbin year 6 and it still haunts those kids!

Being bullied has a huge impact on their self esteem for years and years - which makes me wonder why teachers aren't sent on anti bullying/impact of bullying courses

LittleLightsShineBright Mon 09-Apr-18 15:52:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1484937392 Mon 09-Apr-18 16:22:02

I obviously worded that wrong blush
What I meant was, she was bullied and no boy (or girl) wanted to be near her.
So this ‘obsession’ with needing a boyfriend intensified somewhat over the years. We’ve always kept a lid on it but it seems she’s chasing that. The same obsession didn’t kick in with the girls. Needing friends etc. She isn’t worried about being alone at school or having sleep overs etc. Just boys. We weren’t sure whether that obsession stemmed from never having that before.
It’s a shot in the dark. But so is this whole parenting a teen thing!
I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve done all that I can think of!
I do believe that being bullied has changed her (of course it would!) in that she doesn’t care what people say about her/to her. It doesn’t phase her like it would to maybe some other little girl. She loves the idea of friends. But can’t keep them/doesn’t care if they go.
Yes I’ve rambled on, but that’s the background of DD. She was more worried about Bf going that her ‘BFF’
Drs just called me. She has been referred to MASH which will open up a whole lot of services that can help her/me/us. I’m more than happy for any services to get in touch and help me safe guard her.
She doesn’t have any access to the internet, no phone, no outside. So I’m doing all I can to keep her safe.

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Doryismyname Mon 09-Apr-18 20:53:29

All her class had a bf/gf but she never did. So it feels like she’s making up for lost time?

In my experience wouldn’t say it’s the norm for all 12 year olds or younger to have boyfriends, at least not in the proper sense. Is it possible she has been influenced by others or someone online? She sounds naive and vulnerable OP, I hope you can get her the help she needs flowers

Puzzledmum Mon 09-Apr-18 22:22:14

She does sound very immature and vulnerable OP. You are doing the right thing by keeping her at home and not allowing her internet access or outings for the moment. My advice is not to present this as grounding but rather you are too busy with school/ family activities etc to go out with friends or do anything not school related. I would also spend an enormous amount of time talking to her and find her a really good counsellor to work with her. Check on her on regular intervals too, if she is left alone in her room for example. Good luck OP! It is a very difficult age!

GreenTulips Mon 09-Apr-18 22:38:28

I think she has very low self esteem

DD was bullied but she was quite confident and bounced back but she will never be the same child.

Bullying takes away all their happiness and leaves a hollow shell. She's not bothered because to be bothered would mean she's hurting.

Play games and engage her in some normal teen stuff

Makeup hair games baking etc and chat without looking at her, they tend to open up a bit more

Explain to her that you know she's hurting and see what she says

Let her know she's still your little girl and you love her unconditionally

user1484937392 Tue 10-Apr-18 15:42:40

We have had a phone call from SS today who are coming round with a PCOS to talk to her. About safe guarding etc. So the ball is definitely rolling at the moment.
We have been having conversations around it, not directly but she’s still finding ‘life hard’ as she can not communicate with him. It’s still completely focused on him still.
I think the bullying has had a real impact on her even if she presents herself as confident at home. I think this issue is definitely deeper than just what apparently happened with the boy. Which has for sure opened my eyes.
I’m going to look into some after school activities, to take her mind of him and everything going on around her. Give her something else to put her all into. She used to go to after school clubs but dropped them, I couldn’t fight her anymore about going.
We have planned lots of one on one times with bike rides, walks and hikes. I feel that maybe if she’s out of the house she may start to open up a bit more.
I think that fact that I haven’t shouted, screamed or cried etc (as much as that was my first reaction!) has helped this situation. She seems to be still clinging to her horrible attitude but it’s slowly going. Even my other DD said that she has changed so much since meeting this boy, that she wasn’t this happy sister who would sit and do makeup and chat. She’s hoping we can get that back and they can be close again. Here’s to hoping!

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