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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Daughter refusing to socialise

60 replies

2ducks2ducklings · 05/04/2018 21:33

My very nearly 13 year old daughter is incredibly bright, funny and mature. She seems to be happy at school and often talks about people she interacts with during the school day. I get the impression that she isn't short of people to talk to on a day to day basis.
The problem is that during the school holidays, she completely retreats into her own little world. She will stay in her room reading for days on end if I would let her. I make her come on family outings if just to get some fresh air into her lungs. But she just won't make plans with friends. I have encouraged her to make arrangements? Even if it just for a quick walk to the park for an hour but she refuses. So I told her I want her to have made arrangements with friends for two different activities. She is begging me not to have to do this. I didn't think I was being unreasonable. I will take her and her friends wherever they have planned to be and will pay for her. Two activities in two weeks also doesn't sound excessive to me.
When I was her age I was out with friends all the time, just hanging out and not really doing much. I certainly wasn't popularism was/am shy and awkward in some social circumstances, but had a good group of close friends who I wanted to spend time with.
Am I being unreasonable by pushing her to socialise? I don't want her to fester in her room feeling miserable. Or do I just need to accept that she is perfectly happy as a 'loner' and that eventually she'll find something/someone that will make her want to venture out?
No one ever told me the tween years would be this tense!!

OP posts:

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JoyceDivision · 05/04/2018 21:37

No help but reading with interest as dd is 12 and hates going out unless looking at stationary or an event arranged and structured... But going out to tje park, going out for a meal, out for a walk... No way

lljkk · 05/04/2018 21:40

omg, you don't organise their social life. Naughty naughty mummy.
Be grateful for problems you don't have.
She's happy at school.
She interacts with other kids enough to tell you about it.
She wants you to know about her life.
She's happy to come outside & do stuff with you.
If it's not broken don't fix it.

my son is just a bit older... I asked him to have one regular activity a week. Something outside school that isn't gaming. It was swimming it's now his paper round.

Abbylee · 05/04/2018 21:46

I would that our dd would be in her room. I don't know where she is and she never talks about her day. Although she is 19, it would still be nice as she lives here.

I'm very sad about our relationship 6 days out of 7.

2ducks2ducklings · 05/04/2018 21:46

I know, I know. I'm in danger of being one of those weird moms. And you're right, she is (or seems to be) happy at school and at home so I shouldn't meddle. It's just such a strange thing to me to not want to 'hang out' with friends during the holidays.
She will be getting a paper round soon, so at least she'll be getting outside for a while every day.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 05/04/2018 21:48

If it isn't a problem for her then it isn't a problem. Her holidays are for relaxing how she wants to.

PEARSON93 · 05/04/2018 21:48

If she's happy chilling out with books she enjoys reading then let her. Perhaps after a busy term at school she's enjoying the down time to herself.

Anythingforacatslife · 05/04/2018 21:53

I never socialised as a teenager. I was much happier being in my room relaxing. I do socialise now but am equally happy in my own company. Please just leave her alone.

balljuggla · 05/04/2018 21:56

I basically had two friends at that age and during the holidays there were obviously times they weren't around and I was more than happy spending time alone. I can totally understand your worries but if she isn't unhappy, it may be best to leave her to it? If she can pursue her interests quietly they may evolve into activities that allow her to meet like minded people. It takes some of us a long time to find our tribe, that's all.

2ducks2ducklings · 05/04/2018 22:02

Thank you for the replies, they're really putting my mind at ease. Everyone is different I suppose and I should be happy that she is happy.

OP posts:

YourWanMajella · 05/04/2018 22:03

If it isn't a problem for her then it isn't a problem. Her holidays are for relaxing how she wants to

Sorry but thats bollocks isn't it? She's 12, she's not old enough to decide what she wants to do all the time, and definitely doesn't always know whats best for her. If she was a 12 year old boy who wanted to do nothing but shoot things on his xbox in the dark all day every day, would you say the same thing?

LemonysSnicket · 05/04/2018 22:10

I’d do that. It’s a lot more fun to read about far away lands than go to a maccys with people from school and then look at things I don’t want to spend money on.
Let her read - it’s way better than socialising.

LemonysSnicket · 05/04/2018 22:11

And I as a.m. was popular - just preferred reading and it has helped immeasurably with uni work, vocabulary, knowledge etc

Teenageromance · 05/04/2018 22:12

My 15 year old ds is a complete extrovert with loads of friends but during the holidays he likes to spend time in his room - watching videos, playing xbox and then hanging out with us. He says he likes to relax this way and that if he gets bored he will organise something with his friends. It used to bother me but not I take it as a compliment. He loves being at home

LemonysSnicket · 05/04/2018 22:13

Was and still am *

PickleFish · 05/04/2018 22:15

I'd have hated to be made to do this! I didn't really have friends that were close enough to hang out with; I saw people at school and talked to them there but the anxiety and pressure of trying to organise something would have been awful. I'd have been much more relaxed just reading at home. It doesn't mean I didn't want friends, but I couldn't have done it this way. Maybe just take her out of the house doing things with you, in a relaxed way, and then if she chooses to find some friends to do things with great, and if not, she's still been out of the house a bit.

lattewith3shotsplease · 05/04/2018 22:16

OP,
I find it strange for you to" think" she should hang out with friends.

She's not you............leave her to make her own choices and stop being a "pushy mum"

lattewith3shotsplease · 05/04/2018 22:19

OP,
ignore YourWanMajella posting.

YourWanMajella · 05/04/2018 22:29

No, don't ignore anyone with a dissenting but perfectly reasonable point.

OP you are worried about your child. You know there is reason to worry. Don't let randomers make you ignore your instincts.

Teenageromance · 05/04/2018 22:43

^ why?

MirandaWest · 05/04/2018 22:46

What reason to worry is there?

YourWanMajella · 05/04/2018 22:57

Seriously? If you have to ask thats worrying. Hope you don't have teenagers!

charliesweb · 05/04/2018 23:19

My 13 yo dd is the same. She seems happy so I just let her know that if she wants to she can make arrangements with her friends. She rarely does though.

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windchimesabotage · 05/04/2018 23:23

I wouldnt force her if shes not into it!! Would do more harm than good that. You cant force people to enjoy things they dont enjoy.
She clearly just enjoys relaxing by herself and reading.
At her age all I wanted to do was be in my room (in the dark) listening to music. That is what I enjoyed.
Im happily married with two children and a large circle of friends now.
Just leave her to it. Perhaps she gets enough interaction at school and just wants some time to herself during the holidays?

Voice0fReason · 05/04/2018 23:28

Leave her alone! you can't force her to socialise - that's a dreadful idea.
Take her out yourself if you want to, but do something she is interested in and wants to do.

popularandspirited · 05/04/2018 23:30

It really won't be that long till she is off into the big bad world without you- enjoy having her close.

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