DD dropped out of school and wont get job

[Gingerlilly]

My soon to be 17 dd has decided to leave school half way through A levels and will start a new college course in Sept (if she gets in)
We have done nothing but argue for months before about not bothering about doing any school work and now we are arguing because she thinks she is on spring break and has said she is interested only in going out and having fun with mates. We dont bankroll her anymore which she thinks is outrageous neglect. There are local jobs going at Sainsburys, Subway and Mc donalds but she has decreed these jobs to be demeaning and refused to apply. I am getting to the point of losing the plot with her. Up until a few years back she had a nice local accent but since turning 15 she likes to speak like a gang member it is just ridiculous and dont get me started on her fake eyebrows and eyelashes. I hate this. There is no talking any sense in to her and I am starting to dislike her personality- I’ve read that it is a teenager thing but I see plenty of other teens working at Sainsburys.

[Kleinzeit]

We dont bankroll her anymore

Good for you, keep it up. Don't fuss over whether she gets a job (and has spending money) or decides not to get a job (and has no money to spend on her eyebrows and eyelashes or on going out) Just provide the minimum at home and then it is her choice whether to work and have a nicer life or not. It's like a toddler, they learn best from natural consequences not from being told. But I would have a go at her for calling those jobs demeaning. How dare she be such a snob? Tell her the jobs are hard work and they need responsibility and persistence and you respect anyone who does them. And if she does take one then don't get sniffy about how she could do better.

And don't react to her accent or appearance. She is still herself underneath. She is exploring and experimenting and that is fine (however irritating!)

[gearandloathing]

No job = no money. Tell her you'll provide basic food and essential clothing (from supermarket not top shop) and she has to earn the money for anything else.

[Feezles]

Just to give you some hope - a the daughter of a friend of mine did almost exactly this, about 10 years ago.

Despite her mother's fears, she did indeed get on the college course, aced it (because she enjoyed it far more than school and therefore worked hard), went to uni and eventually qualified as a teacher. She's now perfectly respectable, very responsible and an all round lovely person.

[user1483387154]

Go on strike, no cooking for her, no doing her washing, and no money for anything. She should be paying her way and helping around the house.

[WeAllHaveWings]

No money, don’t pay mobile phone contract, no WiFi (unless for job hunting).

Make sure she knows you are providing a roof over her head and food in return for being a considerate and contributing (if not financially then cleaning, cooking) member of the family. the rest are luxuries she can’t afford.

She wants to make adult decisions like leaving school without finishing the year and without a definitive course to start then she lives with the adult consequences.

[specialsubject]

Essentials of life - food, shelter, toilet, washing facilities. She has enough clothes.

Nothing else. Hopefully this sheep-like brat phase won't last long.

[Showergel1]

I'd be very tempted to turn off the wifi. The only problem with that is if she has a contract phone which you are ultimately responsible for. She'll have no motivation to do anything when she can binge watch netflix all day.

[RavenclawRealist]

We dont bankroll her anymore this is good but how far have you gone? Who pays her phone? Is she learning to drive/having lessons? Dose she have use of a car? How dose she get everywhere? Lifts? I know it's extreme but I would stop everything bar meeting her basic needs till her attitude improves! She can have lifts to job interviews and that is it! She wants luxury like a phone ect she earns it if you have already done all this then just stay strong it will be worth it in the long run!

[HollowTalk]

I wouldn't buy her any clothes until the week before the new course starts. No going out money, nothing. I agree with the PP, the wifi should be disabled in the daytime otherwise she's going to be on her holidays for five months!

[LuckyLuckyWoman]

Definitely no money, not even bus fare. If she has a contract phone I'd be removing this too.

Turn off wifi if she is home alone and you are out at work.

[Steeley113]

Go to the extreme with not bank rolling. Although, why on earth has she got such an attitude to jobs like working in a supermarket? I wouldn’t tolerate that at all.

[NorthernSpirit]

She sounds like she thinks the world owes her a living! Well tough.... she decided to give up get education and now she has to face the music and be an adult. And she won’t get a ‘demeaning’ job. Tough, she didn’t get an education so that’s what she’ll have to do.

You have to be tough on her. No handouts. Her decision - she has to support herself.

[Gingerlilly]

Thanks all, we are staying firm with the no bankrolling but she has still managed to avoid getting a job all Easter. She had a small amount if money in her account from a previous job that only lasted a few weeks so has been working through that. I just cant get over how she has no idea what this is doing to the family. Hubby and I try and present a united front but sometimes it ends in a row if he thinks I am being too harsh especially switching off the wifi. I tried that and she gets aggressive and shouts at me, she can be quite scary, i know that sound ridiculous and I am the adult. She truly believes that we are wrong and she is right.

[bookmum08]

Retail /Food industry jobs can be quite overwhelming and scary (and not that nice) to a 17 year old. What course is she going to be doing at college? Could you help her find a job or volunteer role connected with that. She is probably a bit routeless and overwhelmed at the moment. Why did she start A Levels in the first place? Her idea or yours? What next stage were they meant to lead too - uni? Does she actually want to go to uni? Does she have any idea of what she wants to 'be' or 'do' as an adult? I think it's good to be able to have a few months of trying things out, finding yourself etc. If you can't do it at 17 when can you? Could she sign up for the National Citizen Service (I think it is called) which is for 16-18 year olds and takes place during summer months. Don't shove her into a retail job. That happened to me and it turned into two mostly unhappy decades.

[specialsubject]

Brattish toddler behaviour gets toddler training reactions, calm sticking to guns. Switching off WiFi is not harsh, with this horrible behaviour serves her right.

Hope things improve, she must be difficult to love right now. She's lucky to have parents like you.

[Gingerlilly]

Thanks all. It's just getting worse -we are several weeks in and still no sign of a job. She gets up at 2pm and then goes out with whichever mates aren't at college or school and stays out till all hours. When I've tried to have a word I just get told that it's no wonder she's never home because all I do is nag at her and I make her feel worthless. When hubby gets involved it just turns into her saying how horrible I am to her and how I hate her so much. (I don't I just hardly ever see her so have to nag on the rare occasions she's in) She's basically trying to deflect the conversation from the real issue as far as I can tell. Last time it ended with her being extremely rude to me, telling me she loves me but can't stand me, won't listen to anything I say and then I end up getting so frustrated and upset and both of us end up screaming at each other. It's exhausting I can't really handle it anymore, apparently if I was a friend at school she would have killed me by now.

[bookmum08]

She sounds desperately unhappy to me. Sounds like she needs a bit of love and support. Stop harrasing her to get a job. I felt that I was rushed into the working world at 18 by my parents. Pretty much as soon as I had finished my exams I was dragged down to the Job Centre to sign on!! (we weren't a poor family - my wages weren't 'needed'). I was barely given time to think. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to 'be' or the few ideas I had I didn't have a clue how to go down that path. I wish so much someone had sat me down and just talked to me about what in life I enjoyed - not so much when I was 17 but interests I had when I was just a few years younger (interests that could of led to a career in that area). Instead I ended up in a low paid job I didn't enjoy for almost 20 years and essentially felt trapped for 20 years. But I now know that there were courses, qualifications, jobs, experiences that I could of done that I would of enjoyed more - but I didn't know that when I was 17/18.
She doesn't need a job, she needs to be listened too.

[SelkieUnderLand]

You're not being too harsh turning off the wifi!!

Take that thing to work with you.

[SelkieUnderLand]

Actually bookmum08 probably makes a good point. I was very pressured at that age. Didn't feel I knew what I wanted. Felt humiliated by it all. Felt like I was losing some game I didn't want to enter.

[immortalmarble]

The problem with combat is that it’s win or lose when actually you are on the same side.

I would not punish but try to talk.

[SelkieUnderLand]

OP, taking bookmum's suggestions on board, give her this quiz to do

//www.16personalities.com and read through the job suggestions for her type. I found that the suggestions for my type do appeal to me!

[Plasticgold]

Agreed with PP about not bank rolling but also back off a bit and try to rebuild your relationship.

I remember at that age not being able to decide what to do and my mum started taking me swimming one evening a week. We'd swim and chat, I could do a few lengths away from her and think things over. Some weeks there was more swimming than chatting, other weeks the other way round but it let us chat things over away from home in a calm, no pressure way.

[Gingerlilly]

Thanks all, she is going to college in September so I am not really trying to push her into a career that she doesn't want, I just think that lazing around in bed all day then going out everynight for 7weeks is rather taking the piss. I also just found out she is getting into debt with people. I am having to pay a friend back a fair sum who she had borrowed money off without me knowing and then because she doesn't have a job she can't pay it. I wish I could back off but I am beyond cross with this silly selfish behaviour. Nothing works, we've tried talking calmly and she just get defensive and tells us to go away. At the end of my tetther again.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I am having to pay a friend back a fair sum who she had borrowed money off without me knowing

Not your debt or your problem, its between her and her friend