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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

15 year old daughter

71 replies

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:03

I have a 15 year old daughter who is dating a 16 year old boy. I'm a single mom of 4 years now and I've recently allowed him to go to my daughters room with the door open. Felt that I could trust her but just walked in on her and she had her top off. They both panicked and got embarrassed when I walked in. I told her to get dressed and come down to me but she wouldn't. Went up and talked to them both. Told them I'm disappointed and hurt that she's lost my trust now. I thought we had a good relationship, open, and talk about things but now I think I've been to trusting and worried how to handle this.

OP posts:

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MammaH2018 · 19/03/2018 20:07

They are quite clearly having sex, maybe not in your home but they are clearly sexually active. You can only talk to her now about being in a safe relationship, talk to her about contraception and the need to ensure they are both protected from STIs and a potentially unplanned pregnancy. You can’t stop them from seeing each other or having a physical relationship so you need to support your daughter and help her to stay safe.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:13

but just walked in on her. Why did you do that?

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 20:15

Had you told her she wasn’t allowed to have any sort of physical activity with her boyfriend?

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:17

Thank you for replying. I've just sat with the two of them and talked to them. She says they haven't had sex yet (but I know not to just take her word now) we discussed her going on the pill. Got the number for the brook clinic and the two have promised they will go down and find out what pill to go on and get some condoms. I've told her he's not allowed in her bedroom no more. Don't know if this is the right thing to do. She's just really embarrassed and keeps saying sorry. I know it's going to happen. She's 16 in a couple of months but it's just the hurt of giving her a bit more freedom and space and her abusing that. Don't know if that sounds silly. We talk about everything, always have and I thought she would tell me everything but now my guards right up. I've lost respect for her bf (who seemed a genuine nice lad) and I suppose a bit of respect for her for doing that while I'm in the house and trusting her. Gutted me in all honesty. I'm I over reacting?

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:19

Why did you walk in on them though? Was it something important?

immortalmarble · 19/03/2018 20:22

I’ll have a look on reddit, I think.

GreenTulips · 19/03/2018 20:22

I've lost respect for her bf

He's a 16 year old lad not a saint!

He would be breaking the law to have sex, by suggesting the pill you are saying sex is ok - but then saying 'not under your roof'

Very confusing message

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:22

Of course I never said not to have any physical activity with him. I assumed they did more than just kissing, they've been together a while. It's the fact they both did something in my house while im downstairs and the bedroom door was open. The respect I suppose that I thought she had for me

OP posts:

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 20:23

I’m not really understanding the problem. Is it because you were in the house? Or is it the fact it was “under your roof”. Surely you know sex is on the cards? Why have you lost respect for your daughter for doing something completely normal for her age?

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 20:24

Xpost. So you’ve no issue with them having sex, just not while you’re there?

Dandellions · 19/03/2018 20:25

was it something important?

She's a minor, of course her mother can walk into her room. Even more so if a boy is there.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:26

'did something'. Hmmm. But you were downstairs then walked in on her.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:27

I always knock on my teen DS's bedroom doors before going in and thankfully my parents did the same for me at that age.

I would not dream of just strolling in.

Farmerswife36 · 19/03/2018 20:27

Goodness me you have come on way to strong ? End of the day YOU let them be alone In her bedroom and at that age what did you think they would be doing ? Not homework that's for sure . She probably won't come to you now about private matters as you have embarrassed her . I hope she gets good contraceptive advice and protects herself from sti . I just think you have come on way to strong and made them feel they are doing something so wrong

GreenTulips · 19/03/2018 20:28

I'd be horrified it they did it in front of you - but they were in a separate room!

You'll just drive her away to somewhere they can have sex, even if it's the local park - which is it?

Farmerswife36 · 19/03/2018 20:28

You should not be strolling in and should knock ! YABU

MaMisled · 19/03/2018 20:29

Don't lecture her or be cross because it'll alienate her at the very time she'll need you to be on her side. Keep lines of communication open. Remind her of safe practices, let her know she can talk to you if she needs to then show her some respect and don't mention it again unless she does.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 20:29

It's the fact they both did something in my house while im downstairs and the bedroom door was open.

Well they couldn’t do it with the door closed could they? You said it had to be open

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:30

I just walked in on her because it's my house, I said he could go upstairs with the door open, when I went up it was closed, so yes I just walked in. As for the pill, yes I would prefer her on the pill if she's going to have sex. Do I want her to at 15? No! But better than being pregnant. I'm not a prude and I'm not a (my daughter wouldn't do that) person. But the hurt of trusting her and her breaking that is hard because now I don't know how to backtrack on how much freedom I've been giving her.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:30

Thank you Farmerswife36 I thought I was doing the teen parenting all wrong there for a moment.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:31

Surely you could have just knocked the door, and reminded her you wanted her to keep it open so you could see what they were doing?

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 20:32

said he could go upstairs with the door open, when I went up it was closed,

So they weren’t doing it with the door open then!!

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OutyMcOutface · 19/03/2018 20:33

As an aside please choose a better contraceptive method than the pill. It’s has a failure rate of about 10% due to imperfect use. All it takes is for her to take it a couple of hours late or for her to throw up one day and it may be ineffective for that month. It’s one thing if she was a responsible grown woman but clearly her impulse control isn’t great. I’m not sure that putting the idea in her head that unprotected sex is fine because she’s on the pill is wise.

Ohyesiam · 19/03/2018 20:38

Your post of 20.22 is odd, you know that they do more than kiss, but now you think they should respect you enough to not do those things? Huh?
Do you remember being a teen? Did your feelings for your bf have anything to do with respect for your mother? Kindodnt see the connection then, and I don’t now.
The thing that jumps out at me most is that you never told your dd what was and wasn’t acceptable to you, you assumed. There was a lot hanging on that assumption , because you are using some very dramatic language for something you never clarified.
The confusion continues with you sending them off to Brooke, but telling him not to go upstairs any more. Where do you want them to do it?
Be more clear with her, lay out your expectations. Will it all change when she is 16? Do you just want her to wait till then.
I know it’s hard as they grow up, and it slips out of our fingers, but I would back pedal a little and tell her you’ve calmed down( even if you’ve not) in order to keep communication going.

mimibunz · 19/03/2018 20:38

I don’t see anything wrong with walking in after you told them to leave the door open. So what if she’s embarrassed? Actions have consequences. Just because they’re horny teens doesn’t mean they don’t have to follow the rules of the house.

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