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AIBU to expect my teenage step sons to tidy up after themselves?

(11 Posts)
LinnieMaple Mon 12-Mar-18 13:20:53

My DH has 2 sons (17 and 19). I've known them for 15 years and they're good people, study hard, respectful, mostly polite (!) and so on. DH thinks I have too many rules and am a camp commandant because I expect them to make their bed, bring down dishes from their room, clear up dishes after we've had a meal (that I've typically spent 2 hours preparing), put their own dirty dishes in the dishwasher AIBU?
I'm not asking them to do general housework or gardening, but I do want them to respect our house when they're here - which is often. I don't see why I should just accept their mess - maybe I missed the bit in the job description about being their unpaid house maid. :-)
Maybe one of the issues that isn't helping is that their Mum (who is a good Mum) is very untidy for example, her kitchen looks like a bomb site and not a clear counter in sight.

InfiniteCurve Mon 12-Mar-18 13:31:30

YANBU to expect ,but you might not get.
My DDC consist of one whose room looks like a bomb site,and who leaves a trail of discarded clothes/bowls/mugs/food containers in her wake all over the house.If asked she will say she'll do it and then she'll get distracted.
No 2 child does a lot of clearing stuff up spontaneously,and if asked will get up and do it straight away.
I think teens should clear up their own stuff,I've brought them up the same as far as you can,and that's what I've got...

SisterNotCis Mon 12-Mar-18 13:35:57

YANBU. Bringing dishes out of their bedroom is reasonable. If your DH doesn't think at 17 & 19 it is fair then leave them for him to do but stand your ground, they will expect to be treated as adults in other regards.

PuntCuffin Mon 12-Mar-18 13:42:36

I expect my 7 and 12 year old DS to make their own beds, help strip and make them when sheets are changed, clear dishes, load and empty dishwasher, help with washing/drying up. They help with vacuuming and dusting as well. Older one more so, obviously. He is being trained in the art of the washing machine and ironing.

I refuse to have them growing up seeing their parents as their slaves. I don't want DIL of the future complaining on MN about their DH's household incompetence.

NorthernSpirit Mon 12-Mar-18 15:49:34

No, you are not being unreasonable!

For god sake they are are 17 and 19, one is an adult and the other is almost. They aren’t small children!

Who do they think should do it for them? Do they think you are their servant? Do they do anything to help you in the house?

For comparison I have 2 DSC - 9 & 12. They do nothing at mums house. Her choice and more fool her. At ours I expect them to put their washing in the basket (if it’s not in the basket it doesn’t get washed), keep their rooms tidy and make their beds. At meal times one lays the table and one clears the table. I don’t think this is a lot.

We should be teaching kids to be self sufficient, not to be entitled and someone will do it for them.

LinnieMaple Tue 13-Mar-18 12:02:54

Thanks for your input and support. General consensus is that I'm not being unreasonable.
I wholeheartedly agree with teaching kids to understand what goes into keeping a house running, the team work that makes it easier for everyone and that it helps prepares them for adult life with a partner.
I will stop clearing up and feel justified in asking them (in an adult to adult way) to take care of their own mess when they're here in a couple days.
I will also keep my expectations real. Thanks again.

specialsubject Tue 13-Mar-18 17:05:34

Those are real expectations.

How much does your husband do to run the 'camp'? angry

LinnieMaple Tue 13-Mar-18 19:21:07

Specialsubject: That's a very good and incisive question - the answer is not enough! Another bone of contention.
So the fact that his kids leave stuff around and don't clear up or help only compounds my irritation. In fairness to the boys, I guess they're only following in their fathers footsteps

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 14-Mar-18 15:55:46

Not being unreasonable to expect them to do that in your home.

Unreasonable to criticise their mother for what she does in hers though including the state of her kitchen

Ohyesiam Wed 14-Mar-18 15:59:37

So their dad wants to do that for them does hehmm.
I expect that of my 10 and 13 year olds( except the bed making, they both have high sleepers, and I’m cool with mess I can’t seewink).
Their future wives will thank you.

CannaeBeErsed Wed 14-Mar-18 16:06:26

I'd be tempted to make my point by serving their next meal on their own (dirty) plates that they never put in the dishwasher from the meal before. You want clean crockery? Get it in the dishwasher. My own (11, 8 and 6) are expected to put their own dishes in the kitchen and on occasion, ::gasp:: even wash up.

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