Advice please. 18yr old and Relationship (Long)

[larla]

Hi, I don't know where to turn or who to talk to. My Son is in a serious relationship, has been for over a year now. Over Christmas he got engaged. I'm not overly happy about it but that's the least of my concern.
Over the time he's been with this girl, he's lost his friends, he doesn't go out with the lads and he seems to spend all his time with her. He's become secretive and angry. We used to very close and he used to talk to me about everything now he won't talk much at all. He's not into sports like he used to be.

We are from Ireland but he's talking about going to Manchester with this girl, all the plans and goals that he had seem to be gone. He knows I'm not not comfortable with him staying over night with her, so sometimes he just goes and doesn't come back. If I ring him, he starts a fight.

I thought I might just be holding on too tight and over reacting, trying to keep him my little boy as he's my only child but then the school called me.
He'd been very rude to a teacher. (Not like him.) She was ringing because she was concern about him too, she didn't offer much advice though, I think she just wanted to make me aware.
I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope. I don't want to push him away from me because I want to come to me if he's in trouble but I feel like this girl is pushing him into things he's not ready for. They got matching tatoos, which he hasn't told me about. Even though we used to talk about him getting Tatoos when he was younger. He knows I don't care.

I know he's 18 now, but he's still in school and he's a young 18. This is his first girlfriend.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can talk to him about this without him thinking I'm being mean.
Her parents are happy about the whole thing by the way. I tried to talk to them about it.
If you read all that, thanks.

[Poshindevon]

Sorry to say but you have to let this run its course.
No matter that he is in school he is legally an adult and can make his own decisions, wether they seem sensible or not is irrelevant.
The more you try to undermine the relationship the more you will drive him away. All you can do is offer your support and tell him you will always be there for him.Go with the flow no matter how hard it is for you.
For all you know when the "honeymoon, lust, infatuation" phase passes and reality sets in things will go belly up and he will be going to tatoo fixers.
There again it might be the real thing.
Chin up

[larla]

Thanks so much for your reply Poshindevon,
That's pretty much what I have been doing while waiting for it to fizzle out. I'm just so worried, he seems so withdrawn. I know he's still only 18 and he still has plenty of time to fulfil his dreams but I still can't help but worry. It's really getting me down. He's a great kid so kind and sensitive and easily taken advantage of.

[FakeMews]

I agree that he is old enough to make his own decisions. However I think at 18 they often still need a bit of parental guidance and I wouldn't stand idly by while my son was throwing away his education.
The thing that stands out to me about your OP is that in spite of all this he doesn't actually sound happy? If he was floating around on cloud 9 I think it would be a case of waiting it out but he sounds miserable. So what exactly is he getting out of the relationship and why isn't it making him happy?

[TeenTimesTwo]

No real advice but

Your son sounds so similar to my 18yo DD: First serious relationship, engaged, lost friends, secretive, lost ambitions, even the tattoo. It is heart-breaking.

The only advice I can give is to focus on what you think is most important and try to achieve that.

So for DD it has been

1. Don't get pregnant (took us a year to talk her round to an implant)
   
2. Finish her apprenticeship
   
   We accept she stays over with him, but I am not happy having him stay over here for various reasons, including younger sibling. Interestingly if they had gone about stuff differently from the start we probably would have been happy.
   
   We also 'pretend' to be supportive (or stay neutral) over some things, whilst doing nothing to enable. So they want to move in together, but they can't afford it. We could have given her a big cheque for her 18th but chose not to in case it precipitated her moving out.
   
   re Engagement, we have to a greater extent 'ignored' it. We say that's nice, but of course you need to qualify, get established, live together first. When you have done that, then come back and say you still want to do this and we'll go from there.
   
   Our DD is 18 with an emotional age of 15 wanting to act like she is 25. it is soul destroying and everything is on a knife edge.
   
   And my advice could be rubbish, so follow it at your peril.

[larla]

Thanks TeensTimeTwo. It's nice to know someone else is going through it. Pregnant is a big thing for me too. I tell talk to him a lot about it. I was young when I had him. I don't want the same for them.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I’m into early 30s now and I had loads of friends who went through this stuff- including myself- and precisely ZERO of them are now with those same partners. Everyone went to uni and it was all forgotten- even the ones who got the tattoos!

I echo the poster who said what’s important here is that no one gets pregnant. If you can avoid that then the rest of it isn’t so permanently life ruining.

[scrabbler3]

I'd agree with the above. It'll fizzle out. Cross your fingers that they're using reliable contraception. Be superficially neutral not negative. Don't pull a face if he stays at her house, he's old enough to do that and it's perfectly normal - pick your battles. A few of my school mates "got engaged" at 18, and the outcome was better when parents humoured them without enabling, rather than going off the deep end.

[derekthe1adyhamster]

I could have written your post (minus the tattoos). However the GF has mental health issues and my DS has now started to self harm too. I don't think this is because of her, more that they were drawn together because they are both quite stressed. DS goes to a boarding school so they are not together much, but OMG - the constant messages! DS is struggling at school, due to migraines and has missed many lessons. GF is not planning on university, whilst DS is hoping (unlikely due to the missed lessons) to go to top uni, but is having a gap year.
I am worried about next year mainly because of the pregnancy aspect but there really isn't much I can do (apart from making sure condoms are freely available and we have had many conversations) and hope that he doesn't go off the idea of uni!

[larla]

Derekthe1adyhamster. Sorry to hear that about your son. Mental health issues are not easy to deal with. I hope your son goes to uni and gets to do what he wants.
FellOutOfBed2wice and scrabbler3 thank you so much for your advice. I am parenting alone so having someone to talk to really helps. I do drop him off at GF's house when he needs a lift. Outwardly I look like I'm supporting it, inwardly I'm so concerned I'm barely sleeping. (Although that might be also due that fact that my baby is growing up and about to leave home. )

[larla]

Small update.
Had the Patrick's weekend from hell. Went about things the wrong way. Had a major falling out with DS on Friday. On Sat I went to her house to pick him up and there was what I could describe as an intervention.
I had been speaking to her parents on Friday night and thought they were on my side. On Sat some of what I said got thrown back in my face.

I was very upset, and more upset that my son would sit there and let them talk to me like that.

Yesterday I found out that he had stolen 120 euro from me. (I had given him money to go to study in school, he didn't go and kept the money.) So since Jan, he's been lying to me. He's be letting me buy him things, knowing full well he's stolen this money. Another blow out.
I spoke to him calmly. (I've done a few conflict resolution courses.) I told him how worried and hurt I was, how much I love him. He told me he was sorry, he hated himself for it. I took his phone and grounded him which led to him being angry and punching walls.
When I rang the school to ask them about study, the principal rang me back. He said he had noticed a change in Jamie too. It's not just me.

I was so upset in work today but I decided enough was enough. I text his girlfriend trying to make amends but she was quite rude and disrespectful.
She seems like the type of child that is used to throwing a tantrum and getting her own way.
My own son is used to undermining me, when he was younger, whenever I said no he'd go to my mum.

Tonight I sat him down. I told him I loved him and that I would always be there for him but I was done. Told him he can do whatever he wants, wash and iron his own clothes, make his own food. Told him all this was messing with my head and my depression and anxiety and it wasn't healthy for either of us. Something had to changed before he stopped speaking to me altogether.

I now realising that I am treating him like a child. He needs to be treated like an adult. So now I am going to look after myself.
The only thing I care about now is that he knows he is loved and that I will always be here for him.

I also got some life changing family news on Saturday that made me feel like I was in an episode of EastEnders.
Thanks for the support everyone. Now it's time to look after myself.

[SpringSnowdrop]

This sounds so hard for you, I’m so sorry.

Is there another adult you really trust who you think he would talk to? It seems to me important to know why he has changed. My instinct is that in a healthy relationship he would be happy and even more fully himself, not withdrawn from you or secretive. Equally he may be withdrawing and unhappy as aware you don’t like his GF and when he loves you too that feels a very difficult and stressful conflict. I would want him to be able to talk to someone more neutral like a family friend, teacher or other good influence. Would a teacher gently ask him what is going on?

[larla]

Thanks SpringSnowdrop. I asked the school if someone could talk to him as I was concerned. I suggested a male and he seems to like male teacher.

Now I am thinking that maybe he was so unhappy because he felt I just wasn't taking him seriously and treating him like an adult and that all the fighting was taking a toll on him.

He used to be able to talk my brother but when my brother flew off the handle about his engagement he stopped.
When I spoke to him tonight and last night he did mention how he feels we're all against him. All her family sent cards and stuff and we didn't.
I just told them that in life not everyone is going to agree with what you do and not everyone will be happy but it sort of made me think.

While I am still upset about him stealing, there's nothing I can do about it, no sense in holding it over him.
I am just hoping that maybe telling him that I'm done and I love him, will make him happier. I am not sure if I am the problem. He may have been secretive because he just felt it wasn't worth the fight.
We'll see if this makes it better.

[SpringSnowdrop]

It’s such a tricky situation as there was no easy choice between letting him make what you feel is a mistake or getting involved and creating an issue in your relationship.

Apart from the teacher I would probably also feel like a very gentle, open talk to say you feel sad at how things have changed and want to make it better. Could you say you are sorry you haven’t been able to be more supportive and can he understand why and reassure you ? Maybe ask if he thinks he has changed at all and does he understand why you might be worried? And can he think of any ways to help minimise that?

Out of interest apartvfrom being immature what do you feel in the relationship isn’t good for your DS ? Immaturity isn’t a huge thing as I think most young adults can be and it’s a big time to start to really mature (though sadly i guess this is often done through mistakes too so I’d be so anxious too if their engagement isnt a good thing for them longer term)

I hope others who have been in a similar position will have more wisdom and really hope it works out well

[larla]

I can't really put my finger on it. One thing is the way He's changed. Dropping all his friends dropping out of sports. She also just seems really possive. Always messaging him sometimes saying she needs him..she's so depressed...come over. It's like she wants to be with him all the time and won't take no for an answer.

[larla]

possessive

[tenredthings]

I feel for you. My Ds at 17 had a two year relationship a with a girl who was pathologically jealous , he became more and more isolated resulting in severe depression. It was enormously challenging, resulting in countless stressful dramas.
I can only suggest to try and leave channels of communication open, don't openly judge but try and boost his self esteem so that he feels confident enough to make his own choices even if they are not the same as his girlfriends. It was only by gradually reclaiming his own life that my DS came to see how dis functional their relationship was.

[larla]

Thanks for the advice and the accounts from you all. I am waiting to see if DS tells me he won't be home tonight. He said the gf was texting asking him to stay friday and Sat. I'm not really happy about it. He has big exams in June but whatever. I told him it was up to him but let me know.
Now when I go home there could be a note. I very much doubt he will be there.
I feel like this girl is trying to put a wedge between us. Even the way she responded to my texts as in she made it all about her when it was about me and my son.
My sister said she needs to know her place and to be honest I feel the same.
Haven't said that though. She told ds I was disappointed that he would let someone treat me like that but maybe we just need to get to know another better.
The gf is one of those "every one hates me, give me what I want now" type people.

[larla]

Just when I thought things were going well. Ds text me today asking to go to a concert in a town 2 hrs away with GF. I said no, It's a school night He's got big exams in June.
He says he won't be missing school but he'll be tired tomorrow. Anyway That's not the point. I said no he went.
I called him phone is off or out of coverage. Called GF mum and things went down hill. I won't get into it but I left thinking WTF. I don't care that He's 18. He's living at home and these exams are important. He won't be home until 12am and he'll be staying in GF's house. I am tempted to collect him from the house. I am so disappointed in him and them. Who takes someone child away on a school night even if they were 18.

[larla]

I ended up phoning my dad and crying to him. He's going to try and sort it out for me. My DS will listen to him.
I have to say though after reading some posts on here I am really blessed that this is my problem and I am more worried about DS than anything else . Hugs to all the other parents out there going through hell.

[Nellyphants]

What’s the worst that can happen here Iarla? Fail his exams, So what, he can do them again. I know that’s easy for me to say but it sounds as though your son & his gf have a co dependent relationship, the more drama that you create with him the more you push them together.


You really need to back away & hope he gets fed up with it

[larla]

I am quite easy going with it. I don't always say no. A lot of the time I'm like "cool see you on x day don't me a granny."

We had a big heart to heart before. I told him I was done he can do what he likes within reason. One was no going out on school nights so close to exams. No he won't repeat them if he fails. They are big exams but very few repeat them because of the stress involved and It's another year at school.
As far as I know if you miss the Orals you don't get to re take them unless you have a good excuse or you repeat.
My issue is he agrees to something. Says He's sorry for upsetting me and does it again. On weekends he can do what he wants as long as he goes to study in school during the week or even if he spent go to study I let him off so long as I know where he is.
Yes I am worried about the relationship but I don't voice that to him. I smile and not and say that's great. How is GF doing. That sort of thing.

[Scaredformyson]

My 18 year old son is in a relationship with a girl who has mental health issues. She has attempted suicide many times assaulted him and been thrown out by her parents several times. He has asked if she can stay here when she's been thrown out but I've said no due to having a 15 yr old daughter and the fact that she has assaulted my son in the past . He never comes home and stays with her parents all the time. He does go to his apprenticeship. I've tried everything. I think he's on the autistic / aspergers spectrum and somehow they feed off each other. He has lost touch with most of his friends. He rarely sees family or me . I'm having to let him get on with it as much as it kills me as this is affecting my mental health and anxiety.

[larla]

Scaredformyson that is horrible and so worrying. My own son doesn't talk to me much anymore and I miss him. This time last year we were close. We've also been close. I mean we weren't best friends or anything. I was always his parent and always a little strict with him but not overly so.
Now he shuts himself away in his room. He can be fine one minute and then I say something "wrong" and he goes off on one.
Today for example I reminded him about a jobs expo I booked a month okay. Well he wasn't happy and turned sulkly. Said "in future I'd like to be informed before you book something."
At the time of booking I talked it through with him. He thought it would be interesting.
I think he may have made plans with GF (even though the jobs expo is marked on the calendar) and He's scared of her reaction when he has to cancel.
I was so annoyed with his behaviour that I said to him. " if you continue to act like a child I will treat you like one. You can't constantly tell me you're an adult then behave worse than the children I teach."

[YippeeTipTap]

Oh dear, this sounds like a difficult situation. I'm not surprised you are worried.

I agree with others that it sounds like
You need to leave him to it. Hopefully there will be no pregnancy. That's the number 1 worst thing that could happen.

One thing that I would avoid is any direct contact with the girl Or her parents. I don't think you should text her.

One thing to remember is that a lot of boys of his age become a bit distant, a bit withdrawn, drop their friends and sports and behave badly towards their parents - It might be because of the girl but he could have done it anyway.

[Ledkr]

My Dd 16 is in her first relationship and it's fairly intense so I read this thread with interest.
He's ok but has a bit of a past and I suspect is a bit of a stoner but his parents are pretty good and we communicate.
Dd is pretty obsessed to be fair.
They live about 20 miles, apart with a crap bus service but attend the same college so see each other daily and every weekend.
So far I've just been as accepting as I can be and listened to her ramblings. She was cross yesterday as I said he can't come on our summer holiday this year wtf?

I have definitely seen a change in her. She's been more stroppy, demanding and a bit more sneaky.
Also unrealistic, asking to go to big festivals with him for 4 days which I'm not too bothered about as she has no money of her own to pay for. She's definitely too immature to do this and stay safe.

On another note, my ds has been with his Dd since he was 18 and they are now nearly 30 and have two children and still together.
I was devastated at first when it had such an effect on them both but it's worked out ok.

Important to remember how intense those early feelings of love are, nothing else matters, I remember it well.

You won't split them up at the moment as feelings are so intense, so your only option is to work with it I guess.