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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

16yr old daughter moved out for no reason

127 replies

724Llama · 12/02/2018 06:23

My first time here, I'm lost!
My 16yr old daughter moved out whilst I was out of the house, I came home to a letter!!!! We txt morning/night everyday, she living with her boyfriend & his family(the mother didn't even advise her to come home?!?) I see her every Sunday and am trying to maintain some kind of relationship. My main question.... when she moved out she took minimal belongings, she came home for the day yesterday and asked to take more items. I said she could take anything she bought or boyfriends & family bought for her! I said no to all the expensive items we bought her (Xbox, laptop, clothes, GHDs etc)! She does have a lot of clothes with her! This caused a lot of upset and an extremely miserable child for the rest of the day! Now I'm thinking I should allow her more clothes? Advice please, thank you.

OP posts:

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DianaT1969 · 12/02/2018 06:28

What was your reason behind not letting her take her clothes/ghds that you bought her? Are you hoping that by having her best things at your house she will want to come back?
What does she do for money? School or work?

stickytoffeevodka · 12/02/2018 06:33

Why can't she take her own belongings with her? You might have paid for them but surely they're hers now?

Or are you trying to get her to move back home by making her keep her stuff there?

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 12/02/2018 06:35

There must be a reason she moved out

newdaylight · 12/02/2018 06:35

Did get letter not day why she wanted to move out? I'm assuming it's because she wanted to live with her boyfriend. She's 16 so she can in she want to. Probably a bit of a foolish idea though unless there's something we don't know about. She should be entitled to her stuff, otherwise you're more likely to push her away.

MaidenMotherCrone · 12/02/2018 06:36

The expensive things you bought her are HERS. Not yours to try and control her with. She hasn't left without a reason. What did her letter say?

newdaylight · 12/02/2018 06:36

*did her letter not say, ffs

724Llama · 12/02/2018 06:43

She's still going to school. She's contacted her dad for money(she hasn't spoke to him for a year)
Her reasons are, she doesn't like our house, I nag her to pick up her socks, I make silly voices sometimes! I've spoke to her tutor and several other people, those that know the relationship we have/had don't understand it as neither do I? This happened 5wks ago.
My reasons for keeping some of her belongings are I believe she doesn't deserve them after the way she has treated me! An hour before she left we were chatting about going on holiday this year?!? We've never fallen out!

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724Llama · 12/02/2018 06:46

The expensive items were gifts last xmas. Shed was obviously planning this crazy idea then therefore she doesn't deserve them! Why should I fund items got her boyfriend to use?

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newdaylight · 12/02/2018 06:47

Silly reasons to be moving out perhaps but that's her right. There's no "treatment" of you to speak of. She's just moved out.

If she moved out at 24 odd she'd be entitled to her stuff. Would you withhold it because moving out equates to bad treatment of parents?

newdaylight · 12/02/2018 06:51

Gifts that are already given... you can't decide retrospectively if someone deserves them or not. You gave them to get because you love her, I presume. And I assume that your love for her is unconditional?

Its pocket money and things like that she doesn't deserve, not her actual belongings.

Also by withholding them it comes across as quite controlling.

724Llama · 12/02/2018 06:54

Thank you all! You've come confirmed what I've been laid awake thinking all night!

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CarackObama · 12/02/2018 06:56

She might not be telling you the real reason because she is trying to spare your feelings. That's what I did. She might secretly hate living with you for whatever reason and is determined to be independent now. Let her have her things and be supportive. Maybe then you'll get to the bottom of why she moved out in the first place.

Korez · 12/02/2018 06:58

Sorry for the shock you've had... Depending on her character/situation, I would hold on to some items if I was worried she as going to pawn them.. eg for drugs etc

Slartybartfast · 12/02/2018 06:59

i dont know what i would do in your position op.
you obviously dont want her to move out, hence you are keeping some of her things.
However the law says she Can leave home
you need to talk to her, keep communicating

ijustwannadance · 12/02/2018 07:01

What's the deal with the BF?
How long has she been with him?
Did she want him to stay overnight etc?
Is there a chance she could be pregnant?

VodkaRevelation · 12/02/2018 07:08

I u sweat and you feel upset at your daughters sudden and unannounced departure but withholding her things will not do anyone any good.

She should have told you she was leaving but she is 16. You know where she is and that she is happy and safe. You still love her and you want her to know that she is welcome if/when things fall apart with the boyfriend. Let her have her things. Apologise and tell her you weren’t thinking clearly because you were so upset she’d gone but that you love her and respect and understand those things are hers.

You don’t want to look back in a years time and see a dusty old Xbox sitting in the room she’s not stayed in for months because your relationship fell apart.

724Llama · 12/02/2018 07:09

Been with BF 1 yr.
Not pregnant, she asked me to take her doctors for the pill after she moved out! She stayed at BF a couple of times, I thought in the sofa but she's since told me his mother allowed them to sleep in the same bed!! They're same age(he's 2 maths older) so she was 15 & he was 16 in the same bed!!!! I've always got on with BF, he's been for tea and days out with us!

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VodkaRevelation · 12/02/2018 07:09

*i u sweat?!!! That should say, I understand!

724Llama · 12/02/2018 07:09

I did offer her to go to the doctors twice before xmas as I had my suspicions!

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GYMBALL · 12/02/2018 07:16

I would give her her things . My parent wouldn't let me have any of my stuff when I moved out , slightly different circumstances but not even my clothes . It's something I've never forgiven even 11 years later . If you value having a relationship with your daughter , let her have her belongings .

724Llama · 12/02/2018 07:20

Thank you gymball. I think my issue is, I have so much resentment for his family now as they assisted her to dap this. He is also controlling of her, so I don't want him or his family enjoying her things!

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724Llama · 12/02/2018 07:21

Do not dap???

OP posts:

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DianaT1969 · 12/02/2018 07:23

Who else lives in your house?
Let her have her things and wish her well. She's 16 and she would have moved out at some point. Not helpful to focus on whether she's having sex with her boyfriend now - she has contraception and you helped with that. So that's all you can do.
Were you giving her pocket money for school before she left, or did she have a part-time job?
Another poster might be right in saying that she isn't giving you all the reasons. Maybe there was an atmosphere in the house that didn't suit her personality or studying. Any noise, mess, arguments from siblings?

DianaT1969 · 12/02/2018 07:27

Having read the posts about do you think you've changed your mind on letting her have her stuff?
If you don't let go of your negativity on her boyfriend and his family she will pick up on it and perhaps visit less.

AnotherDunroamin · 12/02/2018 07:27

In what sense is he controlling of her, OP?

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