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Teenage daughter has no friends

(50 Posts)
Givemeagin Fri 02-Feb-18 20:19:11

My dd age 14 has no friends and when she does they seem to just not include her or treat her like muck! Her first real friend after 3 yrs of spending all time together just dumped her for someone else. Her confidence took a real battering and she went from loving School to hating School! She has good grades but no friends! She keeps asking to be home schooled. The problem is she has her GCSEs next year and I don’t want to move her. She just wants a friend

Kbear Fri 02-Feb-18 20:21:39

Would she consider joining cadets or guides ? I made some of my greatest friends at guides. Is there another club she could join to make friends out of school - swimming, dance, fitness?

Imstickingwiththisone Fri 02-Feb-18 20:23:32

Sorry OP it must be hard for your DD and you as her mother. Are there any clubs she'd fancy joining? It could build her confidence to socialise even if she doesn't make any close friends. It might help her confidence at school while she's having a hard time.

Givemeagin Fri 02-Feb-18 20:38:56

She was in a club she was really good at dancing but her confidence has just took a nosedive and she doesn’t want to do anything! I just can’t understand why they don’t like her! And girls are such bitches!

PoisonousSmurf Fri 02-Feb-18 20:41:30

She's better off making friends out of school or even at college. Girls are very 'bitchy' in school.
All my best friendships were formed from college days and work.

Bringonspring Fri 02-Feb-18 20:46:50

Your poor DD, teenage girls can be soo mean. I would definitely advocate clubs, find something where there is already a shared interest and it’s easier to build a friendship based on this.

Have you thought about having a descrete word with the school just to see if they can shed any light on what’s been happening? Might seem extreme but wouldn’t rule out a counsellor to help with confidence.

Ledkr Fri 02-Feb-18 21:06:04

My dd was bullied and lost pretty much all her friends last year. What I did is become her friend. We went out to eat, cinema, swimming, watched movies in bed eating popcorn. All the while we talked and laughed and anylised her situation.
All this I believe kept her spirits up and increased her self confidence and she has slowly begun to make new friends at college and we had time together which we probably wouldn't have done.
She also dances but managed to keep up with that which also helped I think.
Can she be persuaded back? Would her dance teacher ask her?

Bringonspring Fri 02-Feb-18 21:12:45

What an amazing thing to do for your daughter Ledkr. I’m so glad she is making new friendships.

Givemeagin Fri 02-Feb-18 21:42:03

When she had issues with her last friendship group I think it really hurt her that her best friend just dumped her for someone else and this other girl turned the whole group of girls against her! She’s desperate for a friend. I do do things we go to cinema, shopping walk dogs but think it’s school where she’s struggling! I’ve told her she will make her own friends at college or uni! But to a 14yr old it seems like a very long way away. I think she’s also the youngest in her year and considering what a lot of them dress and act like she’s rather immature

Imstickingwiththisone Fri 02-Feb-18 21:44:18

Ah it's so horrible to see this happen. Drill into your DD that this is not her doing, and that school is so far removed from real life. Tell her what makes her brilliant and that she doesn't need to change, and talk very matter of factly about what can be done to make life at school more bearable. Might help her confidence and give her a fuck em attitude. College is brill, everyone starting off with a clean slate and none of the conformity like at schools. Part of the problem at schools is that even people who are not part of the situation don't reach out because they don't want to be targeted or thy just don't notice because everyone is in their own clique.

I agree with speaking to school, they might be able to engineer some situations for her to get talking to others she wouldn't necessarily end up chatting with.

Bringonspring Fri 02-Feb-18 21:55:41

School is such a large part of their life. Are there no activities she could do at school? Netball, drama, school counsel. Anything where she can make friends in school outside of her form? Maybe the school could help energineer something?

JustDanceAddict Fri 02-Feb-18 22:07:12

ITs tough, DD doesn’t have many friends. Not bullied, but she’s quiet and probably a bit of a vicious circle as she just doesn’t make much of an effort anymore. Am hoping it’ll change once sixth form comes around in Sept.
She did some out of school groups but never made lasting friends through them. It’s easy to say ‘go to a club’, but if you’re not a gregarious person it’s hard to put yourself out there.

Leeds2 Fri 02-Feb-18 22:45:35

Would second the many posters who have suggested joining a club, be that in or out of school. If it is a lunch time club, so much the better as it really does help "fill" the day. Try and look outside the box - my DD is now at uni but her school were always desperate to recruit people to help behind the scenes at drama productions.
Would also look at possibilities for moving her for sixth form, so that she can "reinvent" herself. May also give her something to look forward to.

Bringonspring Sat 03-Feb-18 05:27:41

Is there an option of doing something together to meet people that has a broad range of ages, eg my local running club has teenagers through to adults?

Givemeagin Sat 03-Feb-18 07:03:07

I’ve tried everything to get her to go to any club. She just has zero confidence and scared she’s rejected I think! Just breaks my heart she’s so kind and funny and caring and I don’t get how these girls can be such bitches or why she has no friends

StarkintheSouth Sat 03-Feb-18 07:06:45

Oh bless her! I went through a period of bullying and although I had friends the relationships were strained and unpleasant for a while. What really gave me confidence was groups outside of school where I met new people. I did drama and dance and met all sorts of characters some of whom became life long friends. Hope she sorts things and smashes her GCSES! X

Bringonspring Sat 03-Feb-18 09:34:41

If she won’t join clubs due to confidence (which o understand) then in the interim it’s how you can improve her confidence.

Could you have a word with the school? They can be supportive and could aide you, eg highlighting her strengths to her (clearly not in front of class). Sometimes the school can have a good counsellor.

Clearly another option is not a just ride it out and say that girls are flickle and this will probably sort itself out as your DD matured and becomes interested in the same things etc. My worry with this approach is that your daughter needs to generate confidence herself and not be solely reliant on others to generate confidence or she will be back to square one each time she falls out with friends throughout life.

Don’t get be wrong though, of course friends generate confidence but we all need a basis.

I’m also still thinking of things you could join together, tennis maybe? Always have a good youth section at most clubs. Though you may not love sport and I should stop suggesting these!

Bringonspring Sat 03-Feb-18 09:35:52

I am on the go. Sorry for bad SP. there needs to be a base for confidence I meant!!

thesunwillout Sat 03-Feb-18 09:52:35

School isn't for everyone, think about home ed or changing schools.
I've learnt through the years and the hard way that dc could have possibly benefitted from a change much earlier.
Be open-minded if she's really struggling beyond normal teenage struggles, or if the lack of confidence really turns in on itself.

There are options. Some colleges allow 14-16 in to do GCSE, things like that.

forcryinoutloud Sat 03-Feb-18 14:37:20

Hi givemeagin so sorry you and DD are going through this. She sounds lovely ( and you sound like a great mum) and very like my DD 15yrs. She has gone through very similar exp at school and has not really had any friends at home either so I know how tough it is.

You will prob have already had a good chat about how mean girls can be and how none of this is her fault. Mention the posts her off mums saying all the same thing, girls can be so mean and bitchy. Honestly DD comes home with tales of this every day of constant petty meanness and bitchiness. I tell her it is them the one with the problem, not her. Nobody deserves to be called names, ignored etc.

Somehow she needs to develop some coping mechanisms, I had to follow the same tack as Ledkr (excellent post) and really befriend her myself, listen to her, do stuff with her, be there for her. I told my daughter all the good things about herself, she was pretty, kind, caring etc etc. A good solid relationship with you will be worth it's weight in gold. Have as much fun at home as possible, watch films, DVDs together, play some boardgames, baking, anything .

Clubs have been mentioned lots of times so I won't repeat except to say it did really help my DD to join a martial arts club but I know it's tough if she has low confidence (but reassure her there are bound to be people joining who are in same boat).

And is there anything maybe at the local church/? I don't think it's necessary to be super religious to have a bit of a social life through the church, at ours it isn't necessary.

Hope you find some help and reassurance here flowers for you

BlindLemonAlley Sat 03-Feb-18 17:00:53

Sorry you are going through this with your DD OP. As PPs have said girls of this age can be pretty mean, bitchy and very cliquey. My DD has always had lots of friends but lately she is being left out of her usual group and doesn’t go out much. If she tries to arrange something they say they are busy when it turns out a few of them have had a sleepover or been out together without inviting her. DD puts a brave face on it and tries to shrug it off but I can tell she is really hurt. It is really hard especially when you know that anyone would be lucky to have friends as lovely as our DDs. flowers

sothatdidntwork Sat 03-Feb-18 17:13:57

Have you tried talking to the Head of Year or form tutor op? The level of interest a school takes in this type of issue can vary, but some schools may really try to help - perhaps by asking her to join a particular club or extra-curricular activity where they think she may make friends.

You're right, Yr 10 term 2 is not the best time to change academically, but if things get really bad don't rule it out completely.

Are there any activities you and dd could join together if dd doesn't want to go on her own - Park Run, maybe, or many martial arts clubs are mixed age from about 12 up? It may not lead to immediate new friendships, but it does at least provide some social interaction outside school and can boost confidence.

Ledkr Sat 03-Feb-18 20:08:20

I forgot to say. My dd left school and started college a year early. It's been the best thing I've ever done. She has lots of lovely friends now.
Look at early college placements for her.

Ledkr Sat 03-Feb-18 20:09:30

And thank you to those who made such nice remarks too. It really means a lot flowers

Givemeagin Sat 03-Feb-18 20:16:34

Thank you everyone. I’m doing all I can to keep her spirits up. She doesn’t want me to go to school as I did last time and she told me off for interfering!! Just so hard to sit by and not do anything! All I want to do is track the bitches down and tell them everything my daughter doesn’t have the confidence to do!!
Going to keep trying to get her to join clubs outside of school

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