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15yr DD having sex

(87 Posts)
Crispyf Tue 30-Jan-18 21:44:54

I have literally just found out my 15yr Dd is having sex. I found a condom in her bag. I tried to stay calm as new it was going to happen at some point. She has been with her boyfriend who is 16 next month for 7 months.We let him come round to the house and she goes to his house and have spoken to his parents. I am going to her to the docs this week to go on the pill. I feel like we can talk about things but feel really emotional about it. She has asked me not to tell her dad... what do i do. I feel like i should as dont want to keep secrets but don't want to break her trust. He does have a tendancy to be quite hot headed and being our first born will obviously be difficult. Any advice would be great!!😣

OP’s posts: |
Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman Tue 30-Jan-18 21:48:21

Her privacy and trust is more important than telling her df. Why put her through that??

StylishMummy Tue 30-Jan-18 21:48:58

It's great you have a good relationship with her and she's happy to talk, id agree not to speak to her dad yet but encourage her to understand that a healthy relationship works both ways & that it's important she only does what she's happy to do. Contraception is another good step to take and the GP will reinforce the need for protection from diseases as well as pregnancy

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Tue 30-Jan-18 22:10:40

Ah, just gone through this myself. I’m so happy that she talks to me, she tells me what she wants to and like you, I found out by accident and asked outright in a calm way.

She is already on contraception to help her periods and I think we have covered sex talks enough to know she is safe and I trust her.

I haven’t told DH for the same reason that I haven’t told him things that close friends have confided in me.

It’s not a family event and DD would be doing it without telling me anyways.

WeAllHaveWings Sat 03-Feb-18 09:01:55

If she was 16 I wouldn’t tell her dad, it’s legal and her business. But at 15 she is underage and as her parent, who also loves and cares for her, he has a right to know and be involved in supporting her.

How would you feel if it was the other way round, he found out first and didn’t give you the opportunity to be there for her?

LoveBeingAMum555 Sat 03-Feb-18 19:51:38

My DS and GF were both 15 when they started having sex. Even though they had been together for six months I was quite upset, they both seemed so young. I kept this to myself though, we had a couple of chats about contraception, intimacy and respect as well as the fact that they were actually breaking the law. Even though GF went on the pill I bought (and still buy) condoms for DS although I agonised for a bit over whether I was encouraging them.

I decided that they were going to have sex whatever their parents said so in a way it was better that we knew and could talk about it with them. A year later they are still together. I know it's different because DS is a boy but it's difficult to think about them having sex at that age so I understand how you feel.

WeAllHaveWings Sat 03-Feb-18 20:00:33

I know it's different because DS is a boy

Underage boys need support too, from both parents, if they start having underage sex before they are emotionally ready to deal with an intimate and potentially intense relationship.

Butterymuffin Sat 03-Feb-18 20:04:03

Encourage her to still use condoms after starting the pill. No harm in being super careful when you're that age. And yes, all the stuff about consent, only doing what you personally want to and so on. I'd not tell her dad so I could keep her confidence for when it potentially all ends or goes wrong.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 03-Feb-18 20:05:54

I'd advise her to stop altogether until she's protected by the Pill. I'm not convinced condoms are enough when it's so important not to get pregnant.

Darcychu Sat 03-Feb-18 20:07:40

What would be the point of telling her dad??? why the hell should he need to know about your DD sex life? :S I am so glad i had sane Parents when i was younger and lost my V.

And you feel emotional about it? shes 15 not 5. You just need to talk to her about needing to talk to GP Re contraception and then go pretending you don't know.

HamishBamish Sat 03-Feb-18 20:09:07

I would be very concerned about the implications legally. If she is underage surely her boyfriend will be committing an offence once he turns 16?

Shouldershrugger Sat 03-Feb-18 20:13:14

It's so good to hear that you and your dd are able to talk about this stuff. My mum was and is in denial. Even after 3 kids lol. My dd and I are going through the same thing and tbh I'm ever so thankful that both she and her bf are using condoms. So many people don't bother!

TheCowWentMoo Sat 03-Feb-18 20:17:12

Don't tell her dad, shes got you to support her and keep her safe her dad really really doesn't need to know. If she wants him to know she can talk to him but if you tell him she might just stop telling you things altogether, you would completely break her trust. How long till she turns 16?

LIZS Sat 03-Feb-18 20:18:27

They could get into a lot of trouble, especially once he turns 16.

Oblomov18 Sat 03-Feb-18 20:31:20

Will GP give pill to an under 16?

TheCowWentMoo Sat 03-Feb-18 20:37:08

Of course the gp will give the pill to someone under 16! Presumably he would only get in a lot of trouble if op or her dh went to the police about him once he turned 16? The dd won't get in any trouble apart from being upset

yikesanotherbooboo Sat 03-Feb-18 22:39:42

A 16 year old won't get in trouble for having sex with a 15 year old if it is a consensual relationship which this is.

Primarkismyonlyoption Sat 03-Feb-18 22:45:27

God I am going to be gutted when this is my DD. I think youre doing good OP. Some of me would want to scream at her it is so young.
Hope all goes fine. At leadt she talks to you.

StarUtopia Sat 03-Feb-18 22:47:39

For god's sake, before you put her on the pill, just check it's safe for her.

The pill could literally kill me. Luckily, we found out before i was sexually active. It did nearly kill my Mum. I will have to be very open with my daughter down the line as she will need to know this isn't an option for her.

Condoms are a priority. And ensuring that she doesn't allow her BF anywhere near her with his phone whilst they're 'busy'! They are very young. This could turn sour. He could blackmail her. That would actually be one of my biggest concerns (other than medical/pill related, and getting pg)

ALLIS0N Sat 03-Feb-18 22:50:25

Please encourage her to use the pill AND condoms .

I’m glad she’s told you and I agree not to tell her dad if he can’t be trusted to act reasonably.

For those of you asking, yes it technically illegal now and also when he is 16. But the police and social services will not take any action where the couple are 15 and just turned 16 ( so similar age ) and in a consensual relationship.

The concerns here are avoiding pregnancy and STI and also the emotional issues that come with having sex young. So it’s great that the DD has confided in her mum who is the best person to support her.

Primarkismyonlyoption Sat 03-Feb-18 22:54:03

How can the pill kill her? Allergy?
I will be telling my boys they will get into police trouble if the girl isnt 16. If necessary will move away. Not worth wrecking their future for.

SundaysFunday Sat 03-Feb-18 23:01:32

OP did say she was taking DD to a healthcare professional for the pill.

I wouldn't tell her Dad, I don't discuss personal conversations with my DD with her father, he trusts my judgement and knows I handle some sensitive subjects with her.

AJPTaylor Sat 03-Feb-18 23:02:49

My dh is very mild mannered.
I never told him anything i knew about our daughters intimate lives.
He would not have wanted to know, nor considered it any of his business

Primarkismyonlyoption Sat 03-Feb-18 23:04:19

My mum gobbed off to my dad that id started my periods because shecwas pissed off i was being all hormonal and angsty. i couldve killed her. Felt really embarrassed.

MonaTheMoaner Sat 03-Feb-18 23:04:23

Please don't tell her dad. If you want an open and trusting relationship you need to respect her wishes and privacy. If her dad asks, you have been handling it and didn't think it was something worth a big embarrassing discussion.

Secondly I'd advocate seeing a health professional about an implant rather than the pill. It takes five minutes, pain free with local anaesthetic, no need to worry about missing it, lasts for three years and often lightens or makes periods go away altogether.

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