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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

School Refusal - Anxiety

21 replies

reh5679 · 27/01/2018 05:22

My 12 year old is really struggling at the moment, things have got progressively worse since September. Started by struggling with homework (even though he’s a bright kid and I knew he could do it) then started the occasional days he struggled to get to the bus, so I started to drive him to school. From here it was the occasional days he felt he couldn’t go in. The school
have amazing and really supportive, but since Christmas he’s only made it into 4 lessons and other times has sat in a ‘safe space’ that the school have shown him. Since Xmas he’s had at least 1mornjng each week where he couldn’t go in, but this week he’s only made it in 3 days and it’s getting harder each day to persuade him to go in. I’m a single parent and at the moment I work part time, my employer has been amazing, but it’s not a job where I can work from home, or can be unreliable. So I feel completely torn, as if my child doesn’t go in I have to leave him alone at home and feel guilty and worried or the alternative is I hand in my notice, which I can’t afford to do.
He’s been having counselling since early December and we are in the waiting list for CAHMS but as each week passes he’s getting worse and I’m at a loss at what do do.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:

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CraftyGin · 27/01/2018 05:25

Do you have the option to send him to a different school?

reh5679 · 27/01/2018 05:33

I have thought about it, but he insists he wants to stay at his current school, so think if I moved him I'd just be moving the problem elsewhere

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hevonbu · 27/01/2018 05:34

Any severe bullying going on? Another school might be an option.

reh5679 · 27/01/2018 05:41

He insists theres no bullying going on and we have a close relationship so I know he'd tell me the truth. But he is really struggling with emotions. Which I think stem from His dad leaving 2 years ago and now having a new baby which I think he finds difficult

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hevonbu · 27/01/2018 05:44

Any male teacher who can spend a tiny little bit of time to provide extra support when he's in school? (Maybe not possible.)

reh5679 · 27/01/2018 06:04

He has that already, couldn't really ask anymore from the school they have been so helpful and supportive.

OP posts:

CraftyGin · 27/01/2018 07:11

What is it about school that is making him anxious?

ihatethecold · 27/01/2018 07:16

I would contact a local counselling service. Your school may have one linked to it.
My dd has been like this for 18 months and it’s just got progressively worse.
I’ve taken her out of school this week to give her a break.
I’m now considering Home Schooling her.
Is your son still seeing friends outside school?
Still doing hobbies and interests ?

reh5679 · 27/01/2018 07:28

Thankfully he is still seeing friends and goes to scouts most weeks. During the evening and at weekends he's ok but at bed time and in the morning he starts to get anxious about going to school

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Weareallokaynow · 27/01/2018 07:56

It's really good that you are still taking him to school. I missed high school altogether, due to long term illness at first, but later my parents accepted that I didn't want to go to school. This was very detrimental to me, even though I was an intelligent, sensible 12/13/14 year old, it was not a decision that should have been left to me.

Don't worry too much about the times you leave him at home alone, is there someone who could call in to check he is ok?

What does your son want for the near future? What does he want the outcome of his school refusal to be? He may not know, of course, but sometimes you can forget to ask the basic questions at times of crisis.

reh5679 · 27/01/2018 08:22

Thank you, weareallokaynow, it's good to know that hopefully in the long run I'm doing the right thing keeping trying to get him in.

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Cauliflowersqueeze · 27/01/2018 08:40

Personally I think you need to tell him that the routine is that he goes to school every day for the first hour. At the moment although he wants the power to be able to decide, and on the surface that is the kindest thing, it is actually adding to his anxiety because he can’t handle this.
Rather than worrying that he’s not going in on certain days, telling him the programme is one hour per day and then being able to enjoy that success will hopefully help you build it up.
It’s a difficult situation.

Another idea is to cut yourself out of the morning taking him to school part. Organise for his friend to come round and go with him. There’s nothing like another chirpy 12 year old turning up and going with him. It cuts the cycle of mum asking/coercing/begging and puts him with his peers. He’s then far more likely to go into lessons because he will be in a different “mode” with his friends, laughing about farts and sharing sweets etc than being in this cycle of having discussions about what’s wrong and what’s upsetting him.

reh5679 · 27/01/2018 09:05

Unfortunately his friend used to call for him and they would get the bus together but since November he hasn't wanted to go on the bus so the only option to get him there is to drive asked if he'd like his friend to have a lift too but he doesn't want that either

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Cauliflowersqueeze · 27/01/2018 09:21

No he doesn’t want it because it doesn’t fit with the current plan.

You have 2 options.
Tell him you need to get to work a bit earlier for the next two days and Joe is going to come round and they will get the bus together.

Or

Are you friends with the other boy’s parents at all? Can you contact them and see if they would be happy for you to drive him in? Then you can present it as “Joe’s mum has asked if he can come to school in the car with us in the morning and I’ve said yes, so he’s coming round at 8:15.”

Every time you give him a choice you unwittingly add to the anxiety because he has another decision to make.

He feels comfortable with the routine he has created and things are deteriorating. Unless you break that cycle then you will very soon be in a position where he never even contemplates going to school. Hormones will be kicking in as well.

reh5679 · 27/01/2018 09:35

I hadn't thought of it that way, so thank you. I'll see if I can sort something next week with his friends mum

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butterfly990 · 27/01/2018 10:34

I am currently going through this with my DD (14) and very similar circumstances to yourself.

Cauliflower's ideas are similar to what I find is working for my DD. When my neighbour takes her in she doesn't mess around and argue.

The school have been very supportive and originally created a gradually increasing timetable starting off with the lessons she enjoys most. It has been a bit hit or miss but their emphasis is that she comes in every day and even if she has to go to the library or the medical room for part or all of the day I email in any concerns and she has a couple of members of staff that she can report into. She also has the option of a card she can wave if she wants to leave the class no questions asked.

Things the therapist has advised is no sleeping during the day. She has been having trouble sleeping at night. She can rest not sleep during the day and to keep a chart of what she has been doing. eg. resting listening to music, eating, physical activity, electronics (phone, tablet, xbox).

Making a list of tasks, activities for the day so she feels in control of her day. eg. 7.30 wake up check phone , 8.00 shower, 8.20 breakfast, 9.00 get ready for school, 9.15 travel to school, 10.00 French class etc.

She has also just started wearing a fitbit which monitors her sleep. This actually has had the effect of reassuring her that she does actually get sleep and she can discuss the levels of REM ect. with her therapist. It also has a mindfulness app that reminds her (vibrate mode) to take breaks and guides her through 1 minute breathing exercises. The school are happy with her having it so long as it is not disrupting others in the class.

Another thing the therapist has suggested is to especially at night if things are troubling her is to write it down. This action gives you permission to put the "problem aside" for the moment.

A book i am reading at the moment which has great reviews is www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06Y5V8LNB/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I went to see my GP to see also about medication and was told that this is something that they felt able to prescribe given her age. It maybe something that can be prescribed by a mental health practitioner through CAHMS. Our doctor has referred her but feels that she may not get accepted to CAHMS. The therapist who my DD feels comfortable with says that once CAHMS are involved we will not be allowed to continue seeing her at the same time.

PM me if you want to chat

ihatethecold · 27/01/2018 14:14

The wait for camhs can be very very long

CraftyGin · 27/01/2018 14:25

You need to get to the bottom of what exactly is causing the anxiety. Go though the school day and work out where the problems start, eg

Getting his backpack and uniform ready
Remembering games kit
Public transport
School toilets
Unstructured time before registration
Registration
Lessons - answering questions and getting things wrong, working in groups, being asked to read aloud, not getting it.
Eating together
Music/drama lessons where he may be asked to perform
Science/tech -problems with fine motor skills
PE/Games -not being athletic
Homework
Dealing with crowded corridors
Etc etc etc

My NDN’s daughter never settled into secondary. The crowded environment was overwhelming, so she didn’t attend school for two years because of anxiety. She has just started at a small private school in Year 9 and is enjoying school and thriving for the first time in 2 years.

AFAIK, the local authority is paying. It’s probably more common than you think. Don’t let it fester. Weeks turn into months before you know it. I think your DS’s problem is too big for you to deal with on your own.

Justturned50 · 30/01/2018 21:30

I'm in the same boat. 13 year old DS has been refusing school since the beginning of this term. He's done 4 full days and 3 part days. He seems terrified of everything. No convincing him to even try. Looking for a doctor referral to Camhs and also school referral to an educational psychologist. His anxiety goes from zero to intolerable at the drop of a hat.

ihatethecold · 01/02/2018 07:08

I’ve started a thread recently that’s still going that has quite a few parents in the same boat op if you want to join.

ihatethecold · 01/02/2018 07:09

@reh5679
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3137147-Has-anyone-paid-for-a-psychiatric-psychologist-privately-for-their-teen-because-you-know-Camhs-won-t-help-with-severe-anxiety

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