single parents - WWYD

[HipsterAssassin]

So dd1 is 14 and in Yr 10. She is pushing all the boundaries.

Last Feb we had a whole shitstorm open up when I was away for a (much needed, rare) weekend away with my OH (who isn’t new and doesn’t live with me). She basically told her dad she was sleeping at a friends and had a kids-only sleep over at mine. Place was a mess when I got back. I later discovered boys had been over also. dd lost her Smart phone for 4 months (pretty ineffective actually, I would not do again).

Have been trying to pick my battles and retain a relationship with her. Things have been ok recently. She is the kind of girl who is socially confident and knows what she wants to do with her mates, can be head strong etc. We still have the odd issue and I immediately deal with it and we always discuss whys and wherefors when she slips up. She’s 15 in a couple of months. But totally doesn’t think and is (clearly) rubbish at covering her tracks....

Fast forward to now, things are ok, just been away again and my neighbour texted to say your extension window is wide open and back door unlocked. She had been here again, this time for the afternoon. Obviously no party, only haribo wrappers to be seen.

I can’t decide whether this warrants removal of front door key privileges (dd2 is always home before dd1 so she can’t manage without) or just treat as final warning and if something like this happens again she will lose her key?

Obviously I’ll have a discussion with her about how wrong and thoughtless it was leaving the house totally un secured while I’m not around. And about how it made me feel.

I didn’t tell her I was away this weekend but I guess she could have worked it out. On occasions when I’m around she always asks to bring friends round. So this sort of behaviour only happens when I’m not around.

Obviously this particular loophole only happens with co parents when kids live between 2 houses.

Lone parents. WWYD?

[HipsterAssassin]

I have never explicitly told her not to come here when I’m not around because I think it’s obvious/there’s no need etc. but maybe I should be clearer? Anyone else had this? WWYD? Blooming teens...

[Ilovetolurk]

Hi OP I would personally just have the chat about home security. All you can prove she did is come home for a bit.

The daytimes wouldn’t bother me. Can you spesk to your ex when you go away to keep an eye out for her doing this on an evening/ overnight

[TheDonald]

Yes I think communication with your ex is key here. He's responsible while she's in his care. It doesn't matter from his pov if she's going to your house or out clubbing or hanging out at the park. The point is he's not checking where she is. If my dd wanted to go to a sleepover when with her dad he'd text and check I knew the family (if he didn't)

You could look into getting a second lock that you only use if you're away overnight so she can keep her normal key for after school but that doesn't change the fact that her dad isn't checking where she is on his watch.

[moochypooch]

I'm not a single parent but I think you need to be clearer and have a chat about your concerns - better than removing key privileges, which will be a pain in the butt to manage - she has to learn actively, I'm sure she's not a bad person and she does not want a stranger pawing through her private things...make the chat as much about her stuff.