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Really don't like dd right now

(22 Posts)
Mumchanges Thu 11-Jan-18 20:54:35

Posted before. Dd (age 17) had a party at our home (against my instincts and with promises from dd and mners saying I was bu not to let her) it was a disaster.

Subsequently Xmas and new year was also miserable. It's also left me out of pocket (had to get stuff repaired/replaced)

Since then things have been fraught, the only time it's anywhere close to normal/ok is when she's getting everything her own way.

I love her of course I do, but she is REALLY making it hard to like her. Today for the 3rd time only since before Xmas I asked for a SMALL favour and she's lost temper and gone off in a sulk. Having of course refused to do the favour.

I'm so sick of it! But I also don't currently have the energy or inclination to probably start yet another huge argument about her behaviour.

She works and pays keep (1/4 of her wage doesn't even over all her costs) but seems to think that entitles her to an uncomplaining 50's housewife in the shape of mum. (Apparently work is SOOOOOO tiring but all I expect her to do housework wise is her room and clean the bathroom once a week, work is 10 min walk away - BUT she is up till 2/3am on phone to friends angry)

Please help me figure out a way to deal with this?

I don't want to have to ask her to move out but it's getting increasingly frustrating.

She's JUST As a write this come in to say she'll do the favour (VERY begrudgingly) but that's because she wants a favour (loan) off me (skint following Xmas due to not budgeting and "needing" a new outfit inc shoes for each party/event)

LynetteScavo Thu 11-Jan-18 21:51:29

If you let a 17yo have a party in your house it will probably be trashed unless you keep a very close grip on things.

Most 17yos roll their eyes and walk off when you ask them to do something they don't want to, don't they?

I think you're having a personality clash atm, She won't be a stroppy 17yo for ever.

WasDoingFine Thu 11-Jan-18 21:56:43

Sounds like she needs to become more independent with her own belongings. So she has to do her own laundry completely.

usedtogotomars Thu 11-Jan-18 21:57:35

Paying keep at 17?

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 22:01:21

Does she work full time to being paying lodge at 17years old. I can’t imagine her earning much at age.

Leeds2 Thu 11-Jan-18 22:02:16

I would let her keep her room as she wants it. Don't go in there if it stresses you! Just tell her you expect her to bring down any dirty plates/cutlery. Maybe a "fine" of 10p per item if you have to go in there because the rest of the house is short!
I don't think I would loan her anything.
And maybe show her a few ads for local accommodation in a flat share, so that she can see what she needs to earn to afford it. I'm afraid if she can't afford it, then your house, your rules.
If she is 17, is she in any form of education?

usedtogotomars Thu 11-Jan-18 22:02:51

Pretty unusual for house shares to be let to anybody under 18.

Greensleeves Thu 11-Jan-18 22:03:36

Maybe given the way she is at the moment, you need more structure in terms of expectations/give and take? Could you sit down with a coffee and hash out some new rules, so that you wouldn't be in the position of having to ask her for favours? She should be helping out and pulling her weight if she's living there, whether she's paying keep or not.

Mumchanges Thu 11-Jan-18 22:22:04

Greensleeves I might well consider that. But maybe out the house.

Yes she is working full time not in education (doesn't have to be where we are, legally adult at 16) and her pay is pretty good - seems a LOT to her as first full time job.

LemonysSnicket Thu 11-Jan-18 22:40:25

Your 17yo has to give you part of her wage ? hmm

mbwoy84 Thu 11-Jan-18 22:56:19

Don’t think it’s fair to charge a 17 year old “keep”...

Mumchanges Thu 11-Jan-18 23:12:43

Not what I was asking about plus if she didn't I couldn't get food etc in for her. I'm unable to work due to disability. If you're lucky enough you could afford to keep your legally adult working full time offspring great I can't. That said I and my siblings had to pay keep when living at home working full time surely paying your way is part of life.

Weezol Thu 11-Jan-18 23:21:51

Nothing wrong with paying board if in full time work, I did at 17 and I was on a crappy YTS.

She also needs to be contributing to the repairs. I think Greensleeves is spot on about going for a coffee and setting some boundaries.

Dancinggoat Fri 12-Jan-18 06:38:02

Read - get out my life but first take me and Alex into town.
It will explain why she is behaving the way she is. It'll help you understand the reasons , give you strategies and make you see it's ok.
I read this book late on in my kids later teens. I did what it said and our house turned back into a home. It works and I wished I'd read it years earlier.
There will still be a few arguments and some attitude but nothing like it was.

littlebillie Fri 12-Jan-18 09:15:56

I paid 50% rent when I was on a YTS and it £27 per week I was 16, times were hard and we had to pull together as a family.

Interestingly, is the snowflakes or the millennials who have the biggest sense of entitlement (I am neither)

Mumchanges Fri 12-Jan-18 10:22:26

Thanks weezol and littlebillie - her friends that work full time also pay keep - even if their parents don't totally need it.

I'll check out that - is it a book dancinggoat?

DoNotBringLulu Fri 12-Jan-18 11:35:29

I was out at work age 17 and paid my Mum keep, this was a long time ago though - I think I am known as Generation X!

specialsubject Fri 12-Jan-18 19:29:33

If she hadnt trashed the place and didn't throw toddler tantrums you would be disposed to be nicer to her. Your snowflake needs to learn consequences. Her future flatmates will hate her if she doesn't change.

She pays you all her wages until you are back where you were if the damage had not happened.

Mumchanges Sat 13-Jan-18 18:58:40

Last I checked this thread I was a bit calmer.

Special - the cost of the damages wasn't that much so at the time I read your post I felt it was extreme.

Tonight not so much! She has broken a house rule which has resulted in further damage. She's out at the moment with friends and refusing to come home and sort it.

Honestly camel back straw situation I am VERY close to just kicking her out.

She has shown NO respect to either me or my home since the party, no consideration barely even speaks to me, and on the rare occasion she does its with a massive attitude/chip on shoulder!

doesn't tell me when she's coming and going, where or why. I'm so so sick of it!

Weezol Sat 13-Jan-18 21:37:21

Sorry to hear that. Maybe it's time she moved out.

LovingLola Sat 13-Jan-18 21:42:06

It might make for a better relationship for both of you if she moved out.
Have that conversation with her. Be direct and factual.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats Sat 13-Jan-18 21:51:17

Can't believe the people saying she shouldn't be paying rent at 17 when she works full time. Bloody right she should.

Op she sounds like my 13 year old. She better not still be behaving like that at 17 or she can find somewhere else to live quickly. I moved out at 17 to uni. My dh did too because he was a little shit a d fought with his mum non stop. They both say it was the best thing for their relationship, they just didn't get on well living together.

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