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Death of father on Xmas day

(21 Posts)
Jengadreads Tue 26-Dec-17 21:23:32

Hi ladies. I haven't posted on here for a long time, and today has been mentally tough. I have a 15 yr old dd and 13 yr old ds and their dad died yesterday due to alcoholism. Their father and I broke up 10 years ago but we still stayed in contact and didn't live to far away which was good for the kids. I recieved a call from a neighbour who found him dead in his home, he died during the night as he was seen alive the night before. I told my children about it and it was hands down the worst thing I've ever had to do, tell my children their dad is dead. It was done in a sensitive way and so far they seem like their handling ok but I'm worried about what's in store. As a young teenager how will this impact them, how do I support them? I also feel now that all the parenting is on my shoulders rather than previously shared and feel completely responsible for my children now. Of course I have always felt that anyway but I now worry about what will happen of something happens to me, what will they do without me? All these questions in my head. My children saw their dad at weekends but my daughter held a lot of resentment towards her dad due to the alcoholism, she is currently dealing with child mental health due to this. Think I just need to talk as I'm keeping it all at the moment.

OP’s posts: |
LoniceraJaponica Tue 26-Dec-17 21:24:37

I have no words that will comfort you. You will have mixed feelings about this I'm sure flowers

forgottenusername Tue 26-Dec-17 21:27:48

how very sad for you all sad I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. flowers

ButteredScone Tue 26-Dec-17 21:28:50

Aw, you poor thing - and your DCs flowers

How hard to lose their father so young. What a horrendous anniversary for them to have.

What support do you have?

Jengadreads Tue 26-Dec-17 21:30:11

Thank you for the message x

OP’s posts: |
Jengadreads Tue 26-Dec-17 21:32:18

Hi buttered scone. Thank you for the message. I have a few close friends I can talk too but as it's as I feel I'm imposing on people's happy time just now

OP’s posts: |
Jengadreads Tue 26-Dec-17 21:34:28

I feel terrible for my children, just want to support them best I can and what journey to expect for them. It's their age and time of year, just terrible for them

OP’s posts: |
DailyMailDontStealMyThread Tue 26-Dec-17 21:34:31

So sorry flowers

winstones wish is a charity to help bereaved children.

kingjofferyworksintescos Tue 26-Dec-17 21:35:26

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news , at this moment you are bound to be feeling overwhelmed with the reality of the situation but given time it will all start to settle down in the mean time have you got another close adult who you can talk to and find some sort of bereavement councillor who can help the children through this ?

MsHarry Tue 26-Dec-17 21:35:45

So sorry. I think at the moment its very raw. Just be there for them, one day at a time. Just getting up, washed and dressed and fed is all they need to achieve right now. Maybe get some grief counselling arranged for them in a month or so.

BackforGood Tue 26-Dec-17 21:36:49

I really don't know what to say either. Awful to lose your father at such a young age, but also what a terrible, terrible day for it to happen on.
Once all the funeral arrangements have happened, would you be able to seek out some support for them ? Winston's Wish is a really great place to start. I don't know but I wonder if Alcoholics' Anonymous might have some specialist support they could offer ?
So sorry for your, and their loss.

Imbroglio Tue 26-Dec-17 21:37:00

flowers.

Let them guide you. Let each of them grieve in their own way. Remember you are grieving too, and make sure you get support for you.

I believe Winstons Wish are helpful (though I just looked at their website and they are closed until January).

You sound like a fab mum.

octoberfarm Tue 26-Dec-17 21:37:44

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I don't know if it helps much, but I know there's at least two charities that can offer guidance to parents who are supporting their children through the loss of a parent. One is Child Bereavement UK (https://childbereavementuk.org/young-people/) and an amazing one is Winston's Wish (https://www.winstonswish.org/supporting-you/), which has a helpline you can call for advice. They might be able to give you a bit of support in navigating all this, and it might give you someone to talk to so you don't feel so alone too thanks

doodlejump1980 Tue 26-Dec-17 21:45:28

I’m sorry to hear this. I lost someone (my sister- she was 18) in sudden circumstances when I was 17. I would recommend you steer them towards a counsellor. There was nothing like that offered when I lost my sister and 20 years on I’m still dealing with issues surrounding this. Hindsight is a great thing eh? Get them to make a memory box/book. There must be good memories untainted by his alcoholism.
You sound like a fab Mum and I’m sure your kids get through this with your wonderful support. Look after yourself too. flowers

Teenageromance Wed 27-Dec-17 04:42:23

Hi
When a close family relative died one of the best pieces of advice I was given was that children grief in bouts - so they will let their grief out a bit and then go back to normal life and then grieve a bit and then back tonnormak life etc. So just to be aware that they can voice between these two more than adults.
Having said that I too would recommend bereavement counselling due to the complex history with their dad and the mix of emotions they will be feeling due to his alcoholism.
Take care of you too - it’s a lot to handle xx

Teenageromance Wed 27-Dec-17 04:43:39

They can bounce between these two

Jengadreads Wed 27-Dec-17 09:49:36

Thank you for the kind words and support ladies. I'll look into counselling of I feel it will help them, by the sounds of it it will.

OP’s posts: |
Imbroglio Wed 27-Dec-17 09:55:41

Counselling a bit further down the line. You are all in shock now.

Take care.

doodlejump1980 Fri 29-Dec-17 19:57:21

Hi @Jengadeads, how are you all doing?

Squeegle Fri 29-Dec-17 20:39:30

Jenga, so sorry to read your thread; I too have an alcoholic ex and a dd of 15, a DS of 13. I feel for you and your DCs. I don’t have any advice of course, just wanted to say how sorry I am; it is so hard to always have to be the strong one flowers

TwigTheWonderKid Fri 29-Dec-17 21:08:50

Great advice given so far. For your own peace of mind, as you have mentioned it in your OP, have you appointed legal guardians in the event of your death also?

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