My dd (15) told me I mean nothing to her

[twinone]

She is rude, disrespectful and generally not a nice person.
She asked to stay over a friend's house tomorrow night. No was the answer. After much whying and whining I told to accept it was a no. What came back was "actually, I'm just letting you know, not asking your approval."
That level of rudeness side swiped me a bit and I told her that she wasn't grown and she wasn't able to make those decisions.
Her response "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to dad, you mean nothing to me!"
Poor dd(11) burst out crying and told her how horrible she was.
Unfortunately, I lost my temper at that point and bawled at her.
My dh and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with her.
Her disgusting attitude has been building for about 6 months. I am at the end of my tether.

[CharisMama]

I'd let her stay at her friend's house. I have a dd the same age and she can be very cutting always tells me my breath is bad, I have spinach in my teeth, you name it, she doesn't hold back. But she wouldn't say she didn't love me. Why is she not allowed go to her friend's house?

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

She’s craving power but she can’t handle it just yet.

You’re better off putting in place lots of tiny treats and removing them for rudeness than being the constant “no” guy.

The “you mean nothing to me” is bollocks. Don’t worry about it.

[twinone]

She stays at this friend's house on Wednesday and Thursday as they do dance in the evenings, which is close to her house but miles from ours.
She missed her yr11 mocks last week as she was ill, she has 3 exams tomorrow.
She needs to spend more time at our house.
At 15, it shouldn't be up to her to decide where she goes and what she does.
She is now refusing to attend school tomorrow because she can't stop out.
I find her defiance startling.

[GingerbreadMa]

Was it a "just no"
Or a discussion about why?

[Ceto]

Is she panicking about the exams?

[RestingGrinchFace]

From my experience this kind of 'disgusting behaviour' is generally a result of parents' behaviour. When I was 15 my mother meant nothing to me, and rightly so, she was horrible, not that she ever saw it that way. She still means nothing to me. If you want to salvage your relationship with your daughter I strongly reccomend you seek counselling and approach it with an open mind.

[twinone]

I am more than happy to go for counselling, as is dh. She outright refuses.

The conversation wasn't just a "no" it was explained why. The girl was at ours last night and has spent the whole day with us., It's not as if we don't let her see her.

[SpikeGilesSandwich]

I was vile at 15, so full of hormones and anger, everything was so unfair. I used to tell my parents I hated them frequently, slam doors, say they ruined my life and they shouldn't have had children if they didn't want to do whatever it was I wanted.
I can honestly say I didn't really hate them, I love them and I know they love me but that's probably why I felt secure enough to take my anger and frustration at the world out on them. Try not to take it too personally, it must hurt though.

(I have apologised to my parents since for my teenage behaviour )

[JustHope]

What are her friends like OP? My DD developed a similar attitude when she started hanging out with a particular girl at school. I found messages on her phone from her friend saying things like that she should tell me to F off and die because I wouldn’t allow DD to go to a party. Do not underestimate the influence of their peers.

[Tinselistacky]

Cut her phone charger in half.
Stop all cash /lifts /washing /ironing. Leave dh to deal with her. He won't do the above and will make it clear he isn't the soft touch but is actually on your side (hopefully op!?)

[usedtogotomars]

All that will do is make her angry Tinsel, and push her more towards her friends.

Getting revenge on a teen in this way doesn’t work. Yes, they can be horrible, but it’s down to hormones and anger and frustration. Sympathy, OP x

[PrincessoftheSea]

Agree with Spike. I was also absolutely vile and thank my lukcy star my own teens are not like I was. I loved and love my parents. I don't know why I was so awful to them

[Tinselistacky]

It's called taking control not revenge. I have 6dc over teen age and would never accept being spoken to like that and allow privileges to continue. Cash /phone etc are privileges imo.

[ChristmasCottonmill]

wow. I agent got a teenager yet but that sounds hurtful. Poor you. I am sort of with Tinselistacky on this but also wonder if your dd's friend is the source of this bad behaviour.

[usedtogotomars]

It isn’t taking control. It’s just ruining her charger. Chargers aren’t hard to find.

[Tinselistacky]

If you're grounded without a charger.....

[twinone]

Well today is another day and she is okay with my dh. She hasn't spoken to me, other than answer my questions about her mocks. I am okay with that.
I have just carried on as normal, did her a nice tea and made her favourite pudding.
She has had her phone taken off her again tonight, which she was better about.
I am speaking to pastoral at school to see if they can advise on where to turn for help.

[Lily2007]

My 12 year old went through a shorter phase of being horrible to me very out of character. When I looked up what to do it recommended being nice which seemed odd to me but it worked she's back to being nice and told me about all the problems she's having and how she couldn't cope. Obviously yours is older and its longer but might be pressure of exams causing this. I wouldn't let her go out pre exams but would maybe say you can't go now due to exams but after you can. Mine says her school is horrible but my employer is lovely and I explained to her you have to go through a horrible time at school to get a choice of employer so you can chose the lovely one and she laughed so starting to get through.

[steppemum]

lots of sympathy OP.
ds is 15 and he is horrible at the moment.

I am guessing she is a lot more worried about these exams than she is letting on.

The thing I find hardest with ds is the unbeatble teenage logic.
So, house rule is phones downstairs on charge overnight.
I find him up and on his phone at 12:40. i remove phone, and take it to my room, so he can't go downstairs and fetch it once I have gone to bed. He has an explosion which wakes up the rest of the house, because he wnats his phone on charge.

The next day when talking about it, he is adamant that it was my fault he shouted in the middle of the night, as if I had put his phone on chareg he wouldn't have done. No matte rhow often I point out that if he had put his phone downstairs at the right time, then I wouldn't have removed it from him, he still thinks I am unreasonable and he is justufied in waking up his Dad at 1 am when he had to be up and in a skype meeting at 7.

[SaltMarshPirate]

I once sat in on a lecture about teenage brain activity. The person giving the talk showed scans of brain activity during puberty, during a stroke and during an epileptic fit. The similarities were staggering. I was a teacher at the time and we were looking at behaviour management. It made me feel tons better about our cohort!
Not nice for you, my sympathy.

[Brandnewstart]

I did a course on the teenage brain too. Their brain changes as much as when they are toddlers and go through the terrible twos! They lose their empathy for a while.
My ds1 is nearly 14 and I have had a few 'I hate you', and it makes me feel crap but I keep thinking 'This will pass'.
My main rule is no technology in the bedroom so his phone is charged downstairs where I can see it. Technology seems to be a battle we all face. I think the pressure on teenagers to be constantly available, and able to be reached, is so bad for their mental health.
You have my full sympathy OP, I am sure she didn't mean what she said at all. Does your DH back you up?

[JustHope]

Very interesting about the teenage brain, lack of empathy and comparison with terrible twos! I find my teen is her most vile when we go out anywhere. She becomes stroppy, surly and rude. I can see that she is self conscious about how she looks and is totally mortified to be seen near her family. So things we used to enjoy as a family over Christmas like going out to eat, going for walks or to the cinema are now a source of major stress and arguments.

[Scruffette]

I was vile at 15, so full of hormones and anger, everything was so unfair. I used to tell my parents I hated them frequently, slam doors, say they ruined my life

Me too. I was so unhappy. I can only think that I was this way because you are neither child nor adult and I suppose the brain changing stuff others posters have mentioned. Knowing how awful I was particularly to my mum (who, deep down, I loved most) i hope its the same with your dd. It took years for my parents to stop bringing it up.

[Butterymuffin]

I also hope your DH is backing you up. He should be saying that it's not acceptable to speak to you like this when she says stuff like in the OP. You have to show a united front.

[Ginorchoc]

I don’t know if this helps but I have a lovely friend who is an ex head and now owns a forest School so lots of child experience, she also has three girls, two now early 20’s and a 13 year old. Her two older ones could be horrible to her, my friend is beyond patient and kind, much more than I am. No matter what words they chucked her way she ignored the nasty stuff, her thoughts were, I’m their parent not their friend and if I didn’t have boundaries and stuck to them I wouldn’t be doing my job. She never raised her voice (this made them so frustrated ) expect to be challenged and guide them, explain to them and they can choose to be listen or not their choice didn’t change the rule. They are so close now and look back at it with fondness and amusement as does my friend.