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At wits end with dd

(42 Posts)
Xtrabroken Mon 04-Dec-17 13:23:02

She lies, she swears at me, she's manipulative, she's aggressive if she doesn't get her own way and she threatens, damages something or goes the other way with a 'poor poor me my life is so bad' attitude.
All I ever hear is that I am getting at her all the time (that counts as NICELY asking her to do something to help me or disciplining her for anything at all), she does nothing in the house, she openly says she doesn't have to listen.

She lies where she is so is grounded so now she lies she's on the way home from school when she is actually with the bad friend. She's turned her location off so that I can't check.

Her latest step is to stick her fingers in her ears if she doesn't want to listen.

I've been to camhs but she won't engage.

No bullying going on and she has friends although one of them is a nightmare and it's clear where some of the attitude is coming from.

She doesn't give a damn if disciplined.

She lies and makes stuff up about me.

What's worse is no one will help me as at school and the place she volunteers she is little miss perfect herself.

I can't stand living with her atm if I'm honest.

hevonbu Mon 04-Dec-17 13:45:35

How old is she?

Tinselistacky Mon 04-Dec-17 13:48:50

Remove phone and cash handouts, show her how to use the washing machine as you are on strike, top up lunch card direct so she can't keep the cash, if she continues tell her you will have to seek advice from Ss. And do it of necessary.

Xtrabroken Mon 04-Dec-17 13:49:27

She's 14 and a half.

Nipplesunited Mon 04-Dec-17 13:49:37

I am going through similar with my 13yo ds. He sounds like the male version of your dd and he doesnt go to school etc.

I have no advice to offer, as i have found there is little help anywhere to be offered.
Just wanted to let you know that youre not alone

Ryebreadandwine Tue 05-Dec-17 20:17:04

You’re definitely not alone. I’m in bed every night at 7pm hiding away from mine. It’s really shit. I was dreaming about running away earlier. Sorry no help whatsoever but I guess it’s not that unusual. Do you have a husband or family to support you?

Oxfordblue Tue 05-Dec-17 21:24:20

Just had come on here for advice & saw your post.
Wanted to say sorry to hear that & we are in the same position with DD age 14.5.
She’s doing average at school, but just can not bear to be told (or asked) what to do. She will do some homework but lies to us. I’ve got her phone in my bag yet the first thing she did when coming home tonight was take Dh’s laptop & sneak it into her bedroom. He’s put a code on it now because he’s not great at keeping his eye on it.
She’a had a hissy for tonight because her younger sister made dinner at school & she refused to eat it, then my mum wanted to speak to her & she lost it with her sister & pinched her arm leaving a big red mark.
I’ve had her accessed by cahms & although no Aspergers there were some flags.
She’s been to talk to the GP but sat there in silence. We just can’t seem to explain how she has to do things - load the dishwasher etc.
I almost lost it tonight & wanted her out the house because I’m so sick of her attitude.
I don’t know what we can do if she won’t engage. Actually I think she needs some ADHD medicine to calm her brain & help her focus.

Plummer88 Wed 06-Dec-17 09:47:14

Right there with you with my 13 year old. Nothing I ever do is good enough for her either sigh. It’s a lovely age.

Kath36 Wed 06-Dec-17 14:14:33

I have exactly same problem with mine and she is 15 next month. Life is shit at moment and has been for over a year. Hang in there it must surely pass.

user1499506460 Sat 23-Dec-17 15:41:58

so helpful to read these posts when you are going through this as we are with the 14.5 yr old DD. Me and DD both ended up in tears today as i said I feel as though she is gone from me and that I don't want us to drift apart because I love her so much.( That was after shouting that who did she think she was moaning about everything when there are children trying to get to europe and sinking in boats and being eaten by sharks. ) We are now going to try and use a password that I have to say when I am about to blow and then she will go to her room so that I can head butt the wall in privacy....

lljkk Sat 23-Dec-17 23:03:05

Don't invest energy into trying to like them when they are like this. Survival strategy is to figure out what the responsible kind thing is to do & do that.

HelpMe76 Sat 23-Dec-17 23:08:09

This thred helps me in knowing I'm not alone (although I am in this house).

Hope things have improved for you OP. I feel I will be giving Christmas presents through gritted teeth this year as my DS just does not deserve them because of his attitude towards me. I feel so sad/bad about that.

Goose11 Wed 27-Dec-17 22:57:56

My DD2 is 14.5 and most days I could cheerfully strangle her. Her attitude stinks and her rudeness drives me to distraction. She’s stroppy and occasionally violent towards me - throwing things at me when I’ve made her go to her room when she won’t stop the bad behaviour and even kicking and hitting me. She’s permanently stuck to her phone and so many times I’ve wanted to rip the thing from her hand. When she was little she was my shadow and it’s so painful now to have her sneer at me and move away as if I’m the most hideous beast on the planet if I show her any affection. I’ve cried so many times over her this year. The terrible twos were an absolute walk in the park compared to this. I’ve even contemplated getting SS involved. So many times I’ve wanted to walk out. Forums like this and other internet resources help immensely, they help me understand I’m not alone in what I’m going through. My older DD is 20 and whilst she had her moments between the ages of 14 and 19 the younger DD is far, far worse. I just hope that if I grit my teeth, know I’m not alone and don’t allow myself to be beaten by her that we can get through this and in a couple of years time she’ll return to me as a normal human being.

sunnybean60 Sun 31-Dec-17 03:52:36

I am so relieved to read these posts and understand that we are not alone dealing with our 14.5 year old defiant teen, she matches word for word the most demanding and upsetting of them all. Outside services have been unable to help and at times we have felt at breaking point. Knowing for many girls this is a difficult time and like the last post we too feel it best to grit our teeth and allow time to get us all through this awfulness. On the bad occasions I say to myself, surely this can't go on forever? This is one occasion where I wish I could fast forward time, life would be easier if I had a crystal ball and see that life will be okay for her and us in the future.

knotswapper Sun 31-Dec-17 05:16:50

My 14.5 year old DD has been exactly the same. She started failing at school, was surly and rude to staff, rude to me, realised I couldn't stop her doing what she wanted and pretty much did what the hell she wanted. Doesn't lift a finger at home and if I try to discipline her she just walks out. I was the worst parent in the world, abusive etc. I've been in tears about it for months.

She was eventually expelled, admitted drug use, started hanging around with a bad crowd.

She's just turned 15. She's involved with CAHMS, her new school suggested she had ADHD after only 6 weeks, so we're in the system with a psychological assessment due in a few weeks.

I'm hoping they can help or she's going to flunk out of school and ruin her life. And mine. Well, more than she has done already.

She was a delight until about the age of 13, lots of sport, in several musical ensembles, volunteering. She gave it all up overnight and became somebody I didn't know.

I'm dreading next year.

Dreamingdreams Sun 31-Dec-17 23:36:06

I do wonder if children's use of mobile phones, etc, and the constant pressure of social media is partly to blame for some of the issues children have these days. I do think that whilst their brains are still maturing they're vunerable to damage from use of mobiles, etc. When I removed electronics (including tv, tablets, and phones) from my dc the difference in their behaviour, moods and sleep patterns were pretty amazing. They were moody and irritable for the first week or so, almost like they were suffering withdrawal, but as time went by they were much happier and less moody. They also slept better too. They both actually admitted that they didn't really miss their phones and felt less pressured. It wasn't sustainable long term, but we'll often now have the summer hols without phones, which is good for them, I think.

sunnybean60 Mon 01-Jan-18 00:17:50

I agree with what dreamingdreams says regarding mobiles our 14 year old doesn't have one (she kept turning it off when out so when the contract run out we did not replace she has to use her friends to contact us now and tends to do that more often then she did with her own phone).
it's a New Year and I hope this one will be better than the last! Happy New Year to all the long suffering mums of teens.

Deemail Mon 01-Jan-18 00:35:58

Teens are hard work, when they're off on one they can suck the joy out of everything for us parents. In my experience 14/15 is the worst age. My 3rd and youngest is that now and while so far she's been the easiest of the 3 at that age she still has her moments. Around 17 my other two started to become a bit less difficult and more comfortable in their own skin and hate me and their dad a little less as time passed.
They can still be pains but are less hormonal I suppose.
I've a few friends with adult children who are finally independent who say they eventually come back to you and reminise on the great childhoods they had, even about occasions like holidays where they moaned all the time at been forced to come along.

Labradoodliedoodoo Mon 01-Jan-18 00:48:32

I recon you’ve got into a negative cycle and that’s how she gets attention.

What does she do right? What do you thank her for? Small things even. What nice qualities does she have as a person? How do you speak to her? Does she feel held in good esteem? Does she feel valued or respected by you?

sunnybean60 Mon 01-Jan-18 08:21:09

I don't mean to highjack, xtrabroken's original post about her daughter but there are so many girls acting out like this these days during their adolescents including ours. This is why many of us are mighty relieved to find out that we are not alone with our struggle to get through this difficult time. The last comment struck home with me as it has been hard to break out of this negative cycle (especially when teens act out and behave badly) as it does affect the rest of the family even though I know adolescents are trying and become independent. I appreciate the last message from Labradooliedoodoo (that's a tongue twister!) and have taken that on board and I will try not to take the bait (getting angry, upset or annoyed) and try and seek the good in her no matter how hard I need to dig. Someone mentioned how trainers of wild horses just sit quietly and don't speak until trust is gained, I like the idea of that too. There are some good ideas on this tread to try. Deemail's is also a message of hope too. Let's hope all these girls that are going through this difficult time eventually emerge to have better relationships with their families. and pick up their education at a later stage in life. Good luck to all.

summer25 Wed 03-Jan-18 16:14:29

You are definitely not alone. My DD is 15 and is regularly aggressive, violent and uncooperative. For example, she wasn't happy with my choice of shampoo and conditioner at the supermarket this afternoon so completely lost the plot with snide comments, "your breath stinks", "you're fat", "you've got no money" and when I tried to stop her, she bent my fingers back. I really don't know how to discipline her any more, tried sending her to her room, taking her phone off her but she won't go and won't let me near her phone. I'm regularly in tears and really don't know how to handle her. Sorry I can't be of more help.

sunnybean60 Thu 04-Jan-18 09:23:06

Summer25 I too have had similar experiences with our 14 year old and any discipline or punishment by home or school seems to make matters worse not better (if it were that simple none of us would be on this thread) as she sees it as a challenge rather than be upset. What I'm trying to take on board is what the 2 posts above me have said, which is this is not likely to last indefinately (even though it feels like it) and try and dig deep to find something good in her to break the negative cycle. Mainly I'm trying to detach my emotional self by not allowing any nastiness by her to upset me, by viewing her as a very confused and angry young adolescent rather than the lovely kid she used to be. Incentives or punishments do not work but praise does relax her a little. Fortunately Christmas gave us a break from routine and we were able to reset our relationship a bit when she cooked a nice meal for herself but gave me a taste, I was able to say delicious and her face lit up! Girls tend to battle in adolescents and some girls like ours more so to gain independence, try not to battle yourself if you can. It feels like a war at times and for that reason it can be helpful to step back, reflect and work out what tiny good bit in her you can work with, even if it's getting her to help you change a lightbulb or help you do your hair. Keep yourself sane and relax when able, even to lie down for 5 minutes and think nice thoughts! Praise yourself and remember you are not alone and she will not stay 15 forever.

Kath36 Wed 10-Jan-18 06:42:50

I have to say I do take comfort that I'm not alone in all this. I have no advice as everything I try does not work. My dd is 15 next week and is doing a pretty good job of getting herself expelled from her new high school. She cares about no one but herself. It's truly heart breaking. This must end right please tell me it ends.

Kareninfrance Wed 10-Jan-18 06:50:39

We are going through the same with my son who will be 18 in April. Been 18 months now. Found out he is doing drugs - it has changed him completely. heartbreaking!

autumngold6 Wed 10-Jan-18 07:49:07

It will pass but could go on longer than you would imagine. My daughter was as you describe from 12 and it went on all through the teenage years but she really calmed down by 20, and we have had a good relationship with her now for the past 7 years. She turned her life round in many ways and her strong will is now used positively.

At the time I thought it would go on forever and that we might lose her altogether. I felt a failure as a parent and was so frustrated as I'd done everything you're meant to do. Friends' teenagers were much easier and I felt that people were judging me.

All I can advise is - don't despair, it isn't your fault, try not to let things escalate (choose your battles) and look after yourself - it's so easy to have no life yourself whilst this is going on - but concentrating on yourself a bit makes life nicer for you and takes some of the attention away from them.

It is like a more severe and long lasting version of the terrible twos - both are transitional periods and some young people react more just as some toddlers do. We accept/expect it more in toddlers but I guess it happens for the same reasons in teenagers - coping with changing and asserting themselves.

So hang on in there. They do come back to you and you realise then that underneath it all they did appreciate you and all you were trying to do. Some of the things my daughter sneered at at the time she now speaks fondly of. My efforts weren't wasted although it didn't feel like that at the time.

Just let her know that you love her whatever.

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