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Think I have lost my 14 year old daughter

(14 Posts)
user1499544885 Sat 02-Dec-17 21:15:40

After a row with my almost 14 year old daughter in August where I found out she was almost having sex ( she was 13 still) she went to live with her dad. I have probably seen her about ten times since as she’s been very angry and rude and I was mindful to give her some space. Things have got much worse just when I thought they were getting better! Last time I physically saw her two weeks ago she said she loved me and was affectionate. A week went by and she had no contact and wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. My mother called her and asked why and she stated she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I told my ex husband that I need to see her ( there a court order in place she lives with me, it’s been severely breached) ! He’s refused, we had a row and stupidly in temper I sent him messages stating the abuse he put me and our kids who were very young at the time through! Hd showed my daughter and she said I was a dirty liar and that I am sick! I had to play the messages down as she was upset with what she read! My ex mother In law has always hated me and is played a major part in the parental alienation of me. I am heartbroken, I think I have lost her and she wants no contact from me to even try to make it up with her!

OP’s posts: |
Emabrmsca Sat 02-Dec-17 21:34:11

I am sorry you are going through this.

I think my mum could've written your post 10 years ago when I moved to my dad's and I didn't see her for 9 months. Eventually I saw my dad for the twat he was and left to be with my mum again. We are so close now. She's my best friend. However when I was living with my dad everything was good and he was great until he started showing his nasty colours when things didn't go his way, so I reached out to my mum who met up with me and it was amazing. We have been so close ever since.

She will come back to you. Please believe me. Just reassure her that you are always there for her but at the same time respect her space. If that makes sense!

Emabrmsca Sat 02-Dec-17 21:34:42

Sorry for lack of paragraphs! I did put them in there!!

Tinselistacky Sat 02-Dec-17 21:39:03

I was estranged from my ds for a year. He had gotten into drugs, expelled from school all the while exh playing it down. Ds took the easy route and avoided me as I wouldn't have been so lax. I kept texts to an absolute minimum, text him merry Christmas last year but no gifts, he sent me happy new year messages and we did text a bit at his instigation. He moved in ft with me and is nc with his df. Been 18 months now and we are SO close. He tells me he loves me every day, hugs and kisses and tells me he is proud of me and of our relationship. He is 16 now.
Patience op, your dd will be back to you also.

user1499544885 Sat 02-Dec-17 21:39:49

Thank you! I really hope so! Can’t believe I have ended up in this situation. The way she has spoken to me has been so disgusting and she really upset me by saying my two younger boys will also leave when they’re older. Her 14th birthday is on Tuesday, she wants her presents but not to see me! Everyone has told me not to give them to her as she’s been so rude! I am damned if I give them and damned if I don’t !!

OP’s posts: |
Welshgirl40 Sat 02-Dec-17 21:50:58

I wouldn’t give the presents, if it was me. I’d think it would be saying that her behaviour is fine, you’re in the wrong, not her, and look at the lovely presents. It’s a funny message to send. Yes, it can be misconceived that you don’t care, but youve already made it clear that you do. I think you may need to stand firm. It is bloody difficult though, but there’s no way she should get her presents if she’s not even willing to see you. That’s really not treating you with any respect at all, and I’m quite sure you should have some. Hugs. Horrible situation for you. Do stand firm as otherwise there will be a chance of her siblings thinking ‘Ooh. Well that worker for so and so. I’ll keep that in my repertoire’. Sodding awful. Strength. Lots and lots of strength sent your way.

Emabrmsca Sat 02-Dec-17 21:53:54

I called my mum so many names when we were apart. It was horrible and I hate myself for it but she knows I didn't mean it. It's a phase I think most teens go through, hating their parents and the world etc. If it was me, I would buy her presents but keep them safe until she comes back to you. Just text or call or send a card on her birthday to say happy birthday and leave the rest to her. Make sure she knows you're there for her but let her take the lead mostly.

Tinselistacky Sat 02-Dec-17 22:08:06

Def no presents. She need sorting appreciate there are consequences to her blatant disrespect for you. And that you aren't a push over - that's important. My ds actually told me he wanted to live with me as he realised he needed boundaries and rules with which to live by.

user1499544885 Sat 02-Dec-17 22:51:42

Thanks for all your replies! No presents for her as bad behaviour shouldn’t be rewarded. My ex husband will bully me over this and say I am pushing her further away but I am not buying her love! I have always over indulged her probably why I am in this situation 😐

OP’s posts: |
Userplusnumbers Sat 02-Dec-17 22:53:29

Have you posted about this before OP? Seems familiar

Userplusnumbers Sat 02-Dec-17 22:58:01

Never mind - I found it.

You called your daughter disgusting and sent her away. Even now, instead of supporting your daughter and trying to build bridges you're trying to punish her for her 'rude' behaviour.

Sounds like she's better off with Dad tbh.

user1499544885 Sat 02-Dec-17 23:07:21

Who is trying to punish??? I have been trying to make amends! By the way you have no right to tell me she’s better with someone who overlooks ‘inappropriate behaviour at the age of 13 just to have her reside with him’

OP’s posts: |
Userplusnumbers Sat 02-Dec-17 23:13:11

But he didn't overlook it did he. You sent her there.

What should he have done? Refuse?

Your daughter has got into a situation involving 'adult' behaviour that you disagree with. You have reacted as if she were an adult that you disagree with, instead of a child that needs love, support and guidance.

Even now, your daughter that is probably feeling quite unloved and is reacting to that as only a child knows how to do, and you're panning on pushing her further away by withholding Christmas presents because she's 'disrespecting' you.

I think your daughter is behaving as any teenager in this situation would. I think your behaviour is driving that. Withholding gifts is not going to be taken by her as anything other than the fact that you dislike her.

lljkk Sun 03-Dec-17 11:41:18

It reads like you're forcing her to choose between her parents.

It reads like you're making her part of ancient battles with her other important adults. No kid wants to be part of their family battles. They blame the person who pushes them most obviously into that situation.

I suggest a charm campaign. I think if it were me I'd say the birthday presents are ready for when she wants to see you. Let her decide when that is, but you can still message her once a day or so, every time just talking about HER life separate from the relatives you don't like, or your cats or other safe topics like funnies & cute animal videos. Do Not get offended if she doesn't reply. Once a week I'd offer to meet in a neutral place (nice cafe, teens are easily lured by nice food) & when you meet you only talk about things SHE wants to talk about. Brush up on your listening skills in meantime.

I am sorry if that reads as harsh. You've not done anything wildly wrong but you've not done things well, either, you must know that.

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