Angry son

[User120673]

Please help, I am a stressed mum in a desperate situation. My son, who is in year 9, is on the brink of getting expelled from school. He has had a long list of issues but him hitting another child was the last straw.
He has serious anger issues, he gets so frustrated and angry over minor issues. It might just be something someone said that he doesn’t like. He has been having issues for the last two years, one thing after another. I have asked the Gp for anger management sessions and counselling. He changes at the flip of a switch. He is doing well academically and is an outstanding athlete and I feel he is throwing everything away because he can’t control his anger. I am so stressed that I too have asked for counselling for myself. I feel I have failed as a mum. My husband and I are both at the end of our tether. We have tried taking the hard line and the soft approach. Has anyone else had these problems and come out on the other side.

[Trying2bgd]

Didn't want to read and run but have no real advice. Anger is a difficult one, hopefully things will improve with maturity but right now I think you are on the right track with counselling and therapy. Can you speak to school about perhaps suspension rather than expulsion and mediation with the other student? Your son clearly has to face consequences though.
for you. I hope things work out.

[User120673]

Trying, thank you for your message. I feel so desperate and helpless. I don’t know how to help him. I also feel so lonely as I feel embarrassed to talk to family and friends about all his issues.

[Evelynismyspyname]

There's a CBT book called banishing the anger gremlin. It's meant for 10-14 year olds I think. My 10 year old gets angry but luckily as he's 10 and that way inclined he also talks about it and wanted help, so we've used the book a little bit and he likes reading it alone (just dips in and out and it helps him understand it's normal to feel anger and possible to learn to deal with it safely). He's a lot younger and still very well behaved at school but flips out at home. He has a boxing bag and a drum kit in his room, and stress toys etc which help a bit, but understanding that it's not bad to feel angry and that you can learn to control it, and that it's pretty normal, is key.

Your son is older and so talking about it with you is probably a lot harder, so this may not be much use, sorry! For my son the anger is tied to frustration and to feeling scared about certain things but embarrassed to admit it. Talking to him and hugging him - and finding the right moment to give him space and the right moment just after to hug is important, but as I say him only being 10 makes that far easier than a 14 year old.

Good luck!

[Fekko]

Does he recognise the anger issue? Has he any insights into why he acts this way? When he is calm do you try to discuss it and how it makes everyone feel and how it will impact on him?

[Evelynismyspyname]

Have school got procedures in place to allow him to walk away rather than blow up? A card that lets him leave place unquestioned? Staff made aware that he is trying to deal with the issue and should be allowed to walk away and issues followed up later when he's had time to calm down, if discipline is required?

[Fekko]

What's his coping mechanism? If he can feel the signs of the rage coming on the if he puts a strategy on place for coping then he will feel 'in control'.

[User120673]

Dear all, thank you so much for all your replies. He recognises that he has anger issues but says when he gets angry he can’t control it.
The school have been giving him counselling and he has been improving, but had the incident last week. It seems to me he takes one step forwards and three steps back. He was at a boarding school and I have said to him I am happy to take him out and send him to school locally, but he is desperate to go back to his school. I picked him up from school on Tuesday and have suggested that as the term ends in 3 weeks, if he is allowed back to school, he will not go back till the new term in the new year so that we can deal with his issues. Get him some counselling and anger management. We are going to see cahms next Tuesday so hopefully they will put some counselling in place for him. He has also expressed thoughts of suicide. When he first expressed it we thought it was just because he was getting himself in trouble and he was doing it to get himself out of trouble. I feel terribly guilty about not taking him seriously. I’m sorry for the long post but all your messages have given me support.

[User120673]

Fekko I don’t think he has a coping mechanism and that’s what he needs help with. Little things can trigger his anger.

[User120673]

I’m so worried I haven’t been able to sleep or eat. He has so much potential and it’s as if he is throwing it all away.

[Evelynismyspyname]

Maybe boarding school is too much for him personally at this moment - who's there to give him a hug when it's all too much?

I'm not anti boarding - I boarded myself. However angry young boys tend to be lashing out because they can't handle their feelings and don't feel able to express fear or frustration except through anger. If he was at home he'd be able to cry and pour his heart out to you and learn to deal with his feelings a bit better. At boarding school he has to Be A Boy because he's with his mates 24/7.

At that age you can think you love an environment that isn't always good for you, I think.

[Fekko]

Think about hypnotherapy to help redirect the triggers - it can help him so that when he feels the red mist instead of getting angry he is in control and has something else to focus on. You'd need someone experience in treating children as it's slightly different than adult treatment (kids minds work in another level!).

If he feels that he is in control then he will feel better. Is he bullied? The anger may be more than just teen hormones.

[User120673]

No he is not bullied. I would like to know more about this hypnotherapy. At this stage I will try anything. Do you know where I can get some more information about this.

[Fekko]

Try the national hypnotherapy society or the Bsch. It's important that they are qualified and insured, and that they have relevant experience.

There's a page on the NHS site and some therapists (note hypnotherapist not hypnotist) are nhs/private healthcare registered.

[Angelfire666]

I'm having the exact same problem with my 14 year old son, i'm at the end of my tether i just don't know what to do with him, the school haven't been any help, the doctors wont take me seriously, i'm walking on egg shells with him trying to avoid another blow up, i feel like an awful person saying this but i dread him coming in from school

[User120673]

Same here I walk on eggshells around my son. This afternoon he went on a rampage destroyed the house then had a fit where he was unconscious for around 20 minuets. We are now in er waiting for a doctor to see him. I have never in my life been more stressed and helpless.

[GroovieGazelloo]

It is sounding a very difficult time for you. You must be be very worried about your son.
Have you been able to do anything to take care of you ? I wonder if my question might sound strange, but it does feel important to ask.