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Help Please. DD sent naked pics on Chat App

(26 Posts)
notsurehowtohandle Tue 21-Nov-17 08:33:13

I really need some advice on how to handle this, what DD needs, what I need to put in place. Any wise words, opinions really welcolme.

DD age 13 was reported (quite rightly) by fellow year 9 girls to a teacher at school for looking at a porn sight at School.

My husband was called into a meeting at school as he was the closest to the school. The head of safeguarding explained that she had been chatting to someone on a site called Kik and had sent a topless photo to a male she had been chatting to. And that she had been seen looking at porn sights. The school are treating it as a safeguarding issue rather than a disciplinary one.

DD is so humiliated, cross, ashamed. She has refused to go to school today. Has offered some explanation and it turns out it’s 5 images including her vagina/vulva whatever the correct terminolgy is.

I can’t get much more out of her, she just says I don’t know, I can’t remember. She is focusing on the girls who told on her and facing them. I would imagine that most of her class know.

The school have told us to report to the police which I will do.

I feel such a failure. We have parental controls but she has got around them. We have open chats about sex, online safety etc but she still made these choices.

Sorry for the ramble but I just don’t know what to think / say / do. I can’t talk to my friends as they all have daughters of DD age and I don’t want them to stop those friendships.

Thank you for reading.

Sensimilla Tue 21-Nov-17 08:42:52

Hopefully the police will find the person that groomed her into this. They are very skilled and invest a lot of time in their victims. Sometimes there is no obvious vulnerability, but IS there, in your dd? Is she shy, lack friends? How is her self-esteem?

yantantethermetherpimp Tue 21-Nov-17 08:43:15

My daughters are younger so I don't have experience to draw advice from, but didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you've done all the right things and my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I hope more experienced posters will respond with some good advice.
X

LIZS Tue 21-Nov-17 08:47:31

Yes it needs reporting and if you don't the school should. She has got herself into a very vulnerable situation and someone has enticed her to do this for their own ends. Chances are she is not the only one either. Maybe the police could refer her to a support group to help her overcome her embarrassment. It seems as if the other girls were concerned rather than trying to get her into trouble. Maybe they were approached too?

Angelwendy Tue 21-Nov-17 08:49:06

I did similar things when I was younger. My hormones were crazy at that age as I started puberty very young. I was very easily manipulated too and craved male attention. I look back on some of the things I used to do and can't believe I was ever so stupid.
I hope they find whoever groomed your daughter. Hopefully it was someone of the same age as her (not that that makes it better really) instead of some creepy older man. Can you get a parental lock put on your broadband? I guess some chat rooms won't fall under the 'adult' category though and she'll still be able to access them. Maybe tell her she's only allowed to use her phone whilst she's in the room with you or her dad? And buy her a phone without internet access (can get them for about £10) for when she's at school so she can contact you in emergencies?

notanurse2017 Tue 21-Nov-17 08:49:31

Oh love, you know what sometimes teenagers just do stupid, stupid things in spite of not because of their families, upbringing etc.

From all that you have said you did everything right as a parent and she did this anyway. Stop beating yourself up and concentrate on how to protect DD moving forward.

I think you and your DD will need to come to terms with the fact that her situation will become common knowledge if it isn't already - prepare her for that, and yourself.

Good luck.

notsurehowtohandle Tue 21-Nov-17 08:58:07

Thank you all. Your kindness has made me cry.

Sensimilla she is vulnerable I suppose in that she is a bit lonely at school. She has not found a best friend or group to hang out with. She has lots of outside friends though. She is an only child - not sure if that has any impact. She is overweight and often coments negatively about herself. She won’t do anything about it though.

She says she has low self esteem but it’s often used as an excuse for her normal teenage poor behaviour.

I will report it to the police and the school has insisted I do or they will and I would rather be in control of that.

I think also I will find her a counsellor or someone to talk it through with. A professional who can tell the significant from usual teenage stuff.

ArcheryAnnie Tue 21-Nov-17 09:07:16

You must be absolutely beside yourself with worry, OP. Yes, she's done something incredibly stupid, but sometimes teenagers do incredibly stupid things, however sensibly they've been brought up, and I do feel for her - I wouldn't be a teenage girl again for a million pounds, with all the pressures on them. I hope they catch whoever egged her on into doing this.

Good luck with the police - they will have a LOT of experience in managing this sort of thing.

flowers

Sensimilla Tue 21-Nov-17 09:12:49

Yes, a councillor is a great idea. If you can afford it, go private...CAHMS is a long waiting list and she needs support now
My experience is of a friends dd who was groomed by a ring of adults IRL, so different to your situation...But these people are so good at spotting any vulnerability/weakness. That is what I would concentrate on. Try and get her into clubs/activities and building friendships

GerrytheBerry Tue 21-Nov-17 09:21:58

What an awful shock for you op, you've got to report to police asap and take it from there, hopefully they can investigate and get to the bottom of it.
It puts fear of God into me because sd is 13 (just) and is on snap chat and instagram against mine and her dad's wishes but her mum insists it's fine. A recent pic she put on insta was not appropriate and her dad hit the roof, we monitor by following her on that but snapchat is something we can't monitor her on, we are told by her mum that all the kids have it and we have to accept it.
I was a bit wayward as a young teen and I know how risky it is out there so scary!
I hope you can support your poor daughter she must be mortified.

notsurehowtohandle Tue 21-Nov-17 10:31:04

Exactly Gerry. She is mortified.

And yes to doing what you can. I follow her on all apps, regularly check her phone and messages, for apps she has to send me a request to approve via family sharing. But she got around all that, they are savvy.

Police have been informed and we have a meeting booked into see them on Thursday.

Counselling booked for next week.

Now just need to get her to agree back go back to school.

AshleySilver Tue 21-Nov-17 11:30:33

Sounds like you are doing the right things.

Maybe ask her head of year or form tutor for support around getting her back in school? They are likely to have previous experience of this kind of thing.

JustHope Wed 22-Nov-17 17:38:59

flowers for you OP, what a horrible experience for you all.

Teens are masters of deceit especially when it comes to online stuff and despite us doing all the right things sometimes they get it wrong. I know many of DDs friends have secondary accounts on instagram that their parents obviously are not aware of. The main account is all sunsets and cute stuff and other accounts are often for inappropriate photos and comments that parents might not appreciate.

I hope you get the support your Dd needs.

crazycatgal Wed 22-Nov-17 17:47:03

I hope that your DD is ok, being a teenaged girl is so hard.

When I was 14 a 19 year old man that I knew got me to send topless photos to him, so I know how easy it is to be misled and sucked into these things.

Have you spoken to the school and explained about how she is embarrassed about going into school?

notsurehowtohandle Wed 22-Nov-17 19:03:21

So lots of conversations and meetings later. Turns out that she had been sending and chatting with two people including sending videos of herself. Somehow the videos are really upsetting me.

The school have been great and very supportive and she did go in today. However it was discovered that she had been looking at porn at School and so at some point will have to be suspended for the break of school rules. They have said they won't do it now as she needs support rather than punishment at the moment.

Police are coming to the house tommorow to interview her and us. Bit scary as I have never had dealings with the police before.

Venusflytwat Wed 22-Nov-17 19:07:06

Sorry, she’s been looking at porn again today?

Surely you’ve taken her phone off her for a bit as punishment??

notsurehowtohandle Wed 22-Nov-17 20:48:28

Oh gosh. No not today. A few weeks ago. And yes she has no phone, iPad, computer, internet access.

Venusflytwat Wed 22-Nov-17 20:51:24

Oh ok. Phew smile

How are things this evening?

I hope the conversation with the Police tomorrow gives her the reality check she needs.

Feel for you.

mumstaxi2 Thu 23-Nov-17 09:24:08

Really feel for you and your daughter. Ne thought I did have is why has your daughter been able to access these sites at school. Have you questioned the school about this as they should have very tight internet security. This isn't about apportioning blame but guarding against this happening with other girls. I'm not convinced that there is any value in your DD being suspended - this should be more about education and support for your DD.

Cockmagic Thu 23-Nov-17 09:27:04

You sound like a great mum, hang in there!

Peanutbuttercheese Thu 23-Nov-17 09:41:11

Kik is a phone messaging app and not a website. I doubt very much the school can block an app being used.

It may very well be that the person who has groomed your DD is overseas. The only people I know that use Kik are Americans. I really don't see a value in suspending your DD it will just other her further and make her more isolated.

Cockmagic Thu 23-Nov-17 09:42:17

I disagree I know lots of people my age and under who use Kik (u.k)

LoveProsecco Thu 23-Nov-17 10:04:23

How awful for you. It sounds like you have done all the right things in contacting the police and seeking out counselling.

You mention she has low self-esteem. Perhaps look into something to help build this up so she thinks more highly of herself. Does she have any interests or hobbies that she can expand on? If not perhaps a great time to look into finding one

thanks

notsurehowtohandle Thu 23-Nov-17 11:24:25

The suspension is because she broke a School rule in that she circumvented the school Wi-fi with its controls by using her phones 4g to look at porn in School time and on School property. I think they are right. I also feel they are supporting her as well in all the other issues.

In fact the school have been good so far.

Just hope the police are - I'm sure they will be, they are trained specialists etc etc. I wonder if DD is at any risk of getting into trouble with the police as she initiated the chat in the first place few and during the chats asked for pictures back but didnot look at them.

DB22 Thu 23-Nov-17 20:22:24

I hope all is well notsurehowtohandle flowers

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