Teen CANNOT get up in the morning(19 Posts)
My 17 year old son simply CANNOT get up in the morning and doesn’t seem to care. He used to be on his phone all night but I put a stop to that .. even so going to bed at c 11.30pm means that he still can’t get up at 7.15. He is constantly late for class but as he used to truant the school seem glad he shows up at all. I’ve tried being nice - bringing tea , cajoling, shouting, bribing - nothing works . These days I usually go out to a coffee shop at 7.00 to avoid an argument - I can’t take it any more. Even now he is ambling out at 9.00am for a class that starts at 9.00am ...after a 45 minute bus ride . I give up !!
I had someone in my family like that. They managed to convince themselves of it as a fact I think; and therefore they were "blameless".
But they did eventually grow out of it, more or less. Insofar as they got a job which offers shifts so they HAVE to be out by about 10am, but they enjoy the work and the salary it brings, so it is worth their while.
It sounds like your son may have to work out what makes it worth his while. It could be a long haul with many bumps in the road, I'm sorry to say.
Your son CAN get up in the morning. He just chooses not to.
What other sanctions or rewards/bribes could you use?
What does DS want to do in life? I assume he’s in 6th form if he’s 17. Has he chosen subjects that don’t interest him? Would he be better in an apprenticeship or something?
He does theatre which he says he likes - to be honest he may be better with an apprenticeship but he would never show up on time and would last five minutes. He just doesn’t care about being late/not showing up and swears at me if I try to help. I am really really fed up!!
My initial reaction was that he's being lazy and immature and ridiculous.
But...then I remembered a relative who was similar at age 18/19. He dropped out of university, couldn't hold down a job, was sanctioned and refused JSA because he couldn't be bothered getting out of bed to sign on. He was angry with his parents because they wouldn't give him money (although they did allow him to live at home and they fed him). It turned out to be depression. He's in his mid twenties now, he has a very responsible job and an excellent salary for his age, he's buying a house, he has a fantastic work ethic.
So whilst he might just be immature and unreasonable, he might also have something going on?
Can you remove privileges?
Such as, each day you get up on time I will pay a percentage of your phone bill, give you spends etc.
So, when he doesn't, his phone bill doesn't get paid and he has no spending money.
I only learnt to get up, and out on the, when I moved out and got a job and realised I needed money to eat!
11.30 is late. But he wont listen to you saying that. My teens used to head off about 10 as too wrecked to stay up. But you are right to go to coffee shop as too much of your energy is being spent.
But do be aware of depression too..
I had one of these. He used to pride himself on getting up at 9:05, and getting to school for the END of registration at 9:15.......
They do grow out of it, he's doing an MA now
I have lost/left a number of jobs over the years through lateness.
I can’t sleep before the early hours and I can’t function early in the morning. My body just seems to be a few hours behind most other people and won’t be shifted. I have tried everything.
Now I work for myself and rock in when I feel like it. I still get comments from smart arses who think I am lazy because I am not at work at the crack of dawn everyday but who don’t realise I work very long hours, just at times to suit me.
This post comes to you from my bed at 9:25 and I will probably stay here for at least another hour.
Very likely anxiety and depression , and avoiding either his his peers and/ or the workload at school that he feels sick with anxiety about, and just cant face.
If he is avoiding his peers he may feel unhappy about bullying , or uncertain about his identity( for example if he is realising he is gay, but believed everyone will laugh at him or shun him if they knew)
Some teens feel outsiders from their peers or are sadend that someone they asked out said know and end up avoiding facing their peers as they start feeling depressed
If it is the school workload he is avoiding he may be finding it hard to focus or stay on task and feel overwhelmed ( for example if he has symptoms of ADHD or pther reasons) Many possible reasons, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing and avoiding a horrible confrontation, better to talk calmly at later in the day when he can see you are not about blaming him, just trying to understand how he is feeling.
Years ago my brother was like this-it turned out he was badly anaemic -could that be a possibility?
Are you sure there are no underlying health issues?
Teenagers do have a different circadian rhythm to adults.
That said if he is abusive to you trying to help I would leave him to it. He'll soon find out the consequences for himself.
I heard an interesting programme about teenagers and sleep. They DO
need more sleep. They're going through particular biological changes and can't help it. Obviously not all teenagers are alike.
Our education system can't cope with it. (It always amazes me that secondary schools seem surprised that their pupils are 'difficult') ITS NORMAL ffs. They do grow out of it. We've all been through it , no one remembers what it was like? I do.
My ds will get up if he has a reason to. If there is no reason, then he won't. He is 19 now, but when he was in 6th form, he had a back injury and we then realised how bad his depression was. He is taking a gap year and plans to start uni next year. We are giving him money to see his gf who is at uni, but he is paying us back when he gets a job.
I take it you have sat down with your ds in the afternoon/ evening to chat about what is going on. To me it sounds like depression and I think a lot of 'typical' teenage stuff like the inability to go to bed or get up are down to it. I am sure he will find his way, its just finding the right path to it.
You might be surprised at how he’d respond to an apprenticeship and the money he earns.
My DD, who was similar and always late for school, did an apprenticeship and was never late because people had to cover for her and do her job if she wasn’t there.
It was the making of her.
I had difficulty rising well into my thirties. One day I discovered that SNEEZING roused me immediately. So I got some snuff.
I do think, to some extent, some people just aren't early risers. I will wake naturally at 8.30ish every day irregardless of time I went to bed. I miss the days when I started work at 10 - it aligned perfectly with my sleep pattern!
I'm now up at 6.30am every morning and it damn near kills me if I'm honest. But I want the salary the job comes with so que sera.
It's difficult, because in the 'real world' jobs are few and far between if you are a late to bed/late to rise naturally. I don't think it's about punishment but motivations at this age TBH.
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