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Suitable punishment/ discipline for this?

(81 Posts)
isittimetogotobed Sat 28-Oct-17 08:21:03

Dd is 15. She has had her nipple pierced!
Both me and her father are so disappointed. I think we were both so stunned that we haven't actually got around to any sort of punishment yet as we were just so shocked that a she had lied to us and b done something like this
What do you you think is an appropriate punishment?
Make her take it out?
Grounded?
No phone?
She has had a really hard time lately, feeling low/ bullied abit/ friendship stuff but is generally well behaved and achieving well at school.

I think a tummy button is one thing maybe bit a nipple is something else entirely

emochild Sat 28-Oct-17 08:23:16

Where on earth did she get that done???

Surely that's illegal on a 15 year old

isittimetogotobed Sat 28-Oct-17 08:27:36

Yes it is... I've been googling and it's assault
I'm going to speak to the police and get some advice because I can't believe the 'owner' would do this without ID.

Notreallyarsed Sat 28-Oct-17 08:30:38

It is illegal, the only piercings (the industry is woefully under regulated) illegal even with parental consent are intimate piercings on anyone under 16. So the person who pierced her broke the law. However, she may have had good fake ID so I’d check that out first.

BertrandRussell Sat 28-Oct-17 08:33:51

What would you be punishing her for?

Smarshian Sat 28-Oct-17 08:35:58

How did you find out and why do you want to punish her? What for? Lying? Or doing it?

missyB1 Sat 28-Oct-17 08:37:08

Well punishing is irrelevant and will only cause more issues. Tell her instead what are your objections and worries about the piercing and that the person that did it broke the law. Try to get to the bottom of why she thought doing this would make her happy.

isittimetogotobed Sat 28-Oct-17 08:42:36

I'm cross with the lying. She told me a few months ago that her friend had her done and I was very clear that she can make her own choices when she is 18 but I feel 15 is far too young.

It's also illegal so I'm cross she thought she could just go and do what she wanted.

Bit I suppose part of me is thinking I just actually don't like it.

I've had a conversation with her about how I feel but I'm just so shocked that she would do it.
I'm conflicted because I'm trying to understand hat she is growing up and wanting to make her own choices. I have a feeling she will be someone who continues with piercings/ tattoos etc and that fine when she is 18 but not now

isittimetogotobed Sat 28-Oct-17 08:46:21

My husband spotted it ( not me)
She generally wears baggy hoodies but had a tighter top on and he just clothes clocked it

I have a bit of a fall out with a friend I confined in last night who was disgusted at my 'lack of action' thought I should be grounding/ getting it taken out/ shouting and going mad.
Told me if I let this slide she will just get worse and worse. She hasn't actually got teenagers though

Chinnychinnychinnychib Sat 28-Oct-17 08:46:51

Obviously it's not great that she lied but - it's not visible, it's not permanent, is it that big a deal, really? I think punishment is a bit extreme. byba means make it clear that it's not something you find aesthetically appealing and reinforce the legality aspect but I wouldn't make a mountain out of this particular molehill!

BertrandRussell Sat 28-Oct-17 08:46:53

I would be really sad- but then I was sad when my ds got his ear pierced at 16. And when dd got her nose pierced at 22.

But I can't see what good punishing her will do. At the end of the day, it's her body. And if she had waited a few months there wouldn't have been the legal issue. Does she like it?

isittimetogotobed Sat 28-Oct-17 08:52:47

I think my friends reaction has really made me question my own judgment
I was disappointed and cross she lied obviously and we spoke about that bit and my daughter understood she asked if I was going to make her take it out/ ground her and I just said I needed to have a think about what I felt ( I need time to consider my thoughts / feelings )

I find parenting a teenager really much harder than little kids and I'm not feeling like I'm doing a great job if I'm honest

purplecorkheart Sat 28-Oct-17 08:53:01

I am not sure what good punishment will do in this case. To be honest I would be more concern about where she got it done re sterile needles, aftercare advice etc (if they treated someone underage who knows what corners they may have cut) or if it was done by a friend with a needle.

While I would express your disappointment, make sure that she does not feel that she can not come to you in case of signs of infection etc.

DumbledoresArmy Sat 28-Oct-17 08:54:16

Firstly I’d want to know where she got it done to follow that through.
it needs to come out really. She’s still developing. I had mine done & it can be temperamental.

I’d have major concerns of the sexualisation if it. She’s 15, still a child.
Does she have a boyfriend?
You say she’s wearing tight tops now so you could see it?
Yeah I’d be concerned.

StorminaBcup Sat 28-Oct-17 08:56:11

Is there a piercing that you won’t object to that you could compromise with? You could ask your daughter to take it out, explain your reasons and why it is illegal under 18 and perhaps consent to an alternative, like a third ear-piercing (not sure what they’re called). She should be able to cover it with a plaster in school?

I wouldn’t leave it as it’s the principle but equally grounding / shouting, etc., will just result in more unwanted behaviour.

Grimmfebruary Sat 28-Oct-17 08:57:18

My parents shouted and bawled me out over piercings when I was underage... I kept getting more. 10 years later, I've taken the majority of them out.

I would maybe consider having a proper discussion with your daughter about why you're unhappy - if your friend doesn't have teenagers her comments shouldn't make you doubt yourself.

However my one piece of advice for your daughter is really really think piercings and tattoos through - my first (illegal) tattoo and belly piercing look dreadful now I'm 25 weeks pregnant!

isittimetogotobed Sat 28-Oct-17 08:58:46

She hasn't got a boyfriend and I genuinely don't think for her it's about that
She has strong feminist views and I think she sees it as an extension of that ( free the nipple type thing)
I think it's more of a 'statement' to herself if you get what I mean than a sexual thing for boys/ men

DancesWithOtters Sat 28-Oct-17 09:02:36

Meh. I couldn't get too upset about a non-visible piercing. It's a fairly normal teenage thing to do.

If she's having a hard time in general but still achieving well then I think you should tell her you're cross that she kept it from you, but let it go. I don't think she should be punished as such.

Sofabitch Sat 28-Oct-17 09:03:43

I dont see what punishing her will do here.

You've expressed your disappointment explained the risks.

Just know its a very painful piercing and likely to go wrong if not done well ..which i can imagine likely if done by someone who ignored the law.

Petalbird Sat 28-Oct-17 09:05:44

First thing would be to take her to a piercing place and check with a professional that it is done correctly and that she is caring for it fully (it can't come out till its healed) and most proper places fully check Id so it was probably done in a dodgy place

stonecircle Sat 28-Oct-17 09:07:08

Not sure how she’s lied? I can see she disobeyed you, but is that such an unusual thing for a teenager?

I don’t see why punishments and anger are appropriate / or what they would achieve. At 15 you need to learn to reason with and understand your dd, not treat her like a child or a possession. I don’t have a dd but I have adult sons and the sort of reactions you’re suggesting wouldn’t have helped any situation.

I would , however, be angry with and report the person who did the piercing.

Nancy91 Sat 28-Oct-17 09:13:03

Let it go, it is her body. Be mad at the piercer but don't make her feel uncomfortable about the new addition to her body. Nipple piercings hurt so she must have really wanted it!

isittimetogotobed Sat 28-Oct-17 09:16:55

Thank you for your replies they are really helpful
I will take her to get it checked and still want to pursue the illegal aspect but I appreciate all the advice.

stonecircle Sat 28-Oct-17 09:19:09

have a bit of a fall out with a friend I confined in last night who was disgusted at my 'lack of action' thought I should be grounding/ getting it taken out/ shouting and going mad.

I’d also give this friend a wide berth op. It’s really none of her business.

AppleKatie Sat 28-Oct-17 09:20:42

<not helpful>. I had a friend who did this when we were teens. She chose to show her very shocked mum by pulling her top up in front of her and about 6 of her mates (inc me).

I remember thinking she was going to be in so much trouble. I don't think she actually was though, mum was shocked and made it clear she didn't approve but that was that.

The good news is she is now a teacher and generally a well respected member of society - so all is not lost grin

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