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Heartbroken daughter 😓

(23 Posts)
Miabeth Thu 26-Oct-17 14:02:23

Parents of older teenagers , how do I deal with this? Dd (17) has been in a fairly serious relationship since last year which broke up a couple of weeks ago. She is absolutely devastated and I'm at a loss as to how to help her deal with it.. she is crying constantly , not eating and just hanging around her room crying..doesnt want to see her friends and doesn't want to talk about it. She is normally such a confident strong girl and suddenly has no self esteem it's horrible to watch. Any tips on how to help her? She generally speaks to us about everything but really doesn't want to discuss it. I'm completely at a loss, give me back terrible 2's anyday.!!

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onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Thu 26-Oct-17 22:54:07

Oh your poor daughter.
You cannot resolve this for her - you can only be there to love and support her and guide her through it.
Our DS went through similar (his gf cheated on him then told him whilst we were all on holiday together - a holiday she'd joined us on and we'd paid for). He refused to discuss it so after we were home and he had turned from being this happy cheerful fun child into a miserable unhappy boy isolating himself I went into his room and said 'I just want to say something" and he said (again) "I don't want to talk about it" and I said 'well I do'

Amongst other things I said 'you need to heal, you need this time to repair but you have to know that this time will pass and you will feel better but in the meantime we are here for you'
And it does. Time has proven that. Just let her know you're there for her and it'll be okay.

Floofborkboopandsnoot Fri 27-Oct-17 15:46:34

My 17 year old dd is going through the same thing.
You can’t fix it for her unfortunately so you just have to be there for her. If she doesn’t want to talk about them don’t force her, she will come to you when she’s ready.

DancesWithOtters Fri 27-Oct-17 15:56:31

Oh dear sad Poor girl.

But I think this is very normal i'm afraid. I think I did the same as her a few times, and every argument was the end of the world. You and she both just have to wait it out. God I don't miss being a teenager.

HipToBeSquare Fri 27-Oct-17 15:56:54

This happened to me at 18. I was absolutely devastated and I still have dreams about the bf every couple of years even though I don't think of him.

My family were amazing. My dad would sit up for hours just listening to me and letting me cry and my dsis was a star putting up with me too! Funnily enough my dm wasn't really that supportive as she's a 'just crack on' type of person which I also needed.

I was heartbroken for a long time, really bad for about 6 months and slowly improved.

It was the worst and best thing that happened. I am very much where I am today because of this (I consider my life good/successful smile) and while it hurt like a bastard something good can come of it for your dd flowers

BrandNewHouse Fri 27-Oct-17 16:00:04

This is when you need a 1980’s style mix-tape

1st song: Chris Rea: Fool if you think it’s over

In the Middle : Mr. Bightside

Last Song: I will survive.

Poor Girl, time time time.

UrsulaPandress Fri 27-Oct-17 16:07:02

Oh your poor dd. I dread this with mine as they are almost at two years.

Loving the soundtrack ideas.

We all have our hearts broken at least once. She will get through it.

rogueantimatter Fri 27-Oct-17 16:12:36

I sympathised when my 16 YO and her bf broke up very unexpectedly. And told her that although it was hard to imagine, each day she will feel a little bit better and very gradually begin to think about him less.

Your poor old DD. Could you invite one of her friend's round to distract her for a bit?

OurMiracle1106 Fri 27-Oct-17 16:19:24

Popcorn chocolate New pjs couple of dvds (preferably something she can cry at an a comedy). Nice bubble bath and tell her you love her.

Other than that as hard as it is you just have to let her process her own emotions.

flowers for both of you.

terry110 Sun 05-Nov-17 15:08:15

Daughter just been dumped, she is in first term of university after a deferrel last year. She's absolutely devastated and at home this weekend when it happened. Just want to take all the pain away for her but am very worried about university going out the window, boyfriend won't meet to discuss it just keeps ignoring her texts etc. Says he's too busy. Any advice welcome please...

donajimena Sun 05-Nov-17 15:15:15

I'd point her in the direction of the baggage reclaim website terry very helpful reading.
You could also tell her that a rather unwise mumsnetter jacked in her A Levels after being dumped at 18. Only just going to university now at 45. All over a man. What a waste of a life sad

terry110 Sun 05-Nov-17 15:26:21

Thanks for link. So worried about her being away at university although she is in a flat with another girl friend. She suffers badly from anxiety and am so worried she just stay in bed and make herself poorly whilst he doesn't gvie a damm. Am I wrong to think about texting him, definitely make things worse! Just want my DD to be the happy girl she's been since she was with him.

bringbacksideburns Sun 05-Nov-17 19:10:13

Oooh no don't text him!

Lol at the eighties mix tape - many memories of lying on my bed sobbing at that!

Tell her to listen to a bit of OK Harvey and find her inner spirit. I'd plan a few activities/ days out together doing things she enjoys and get her friend's round .
She has to work it out in her own good time - it's horrible but we've all been there.
At least she has a nice supportive mum in her corner - my mum just left me to it!

bringbacksideburns Sun 05-Nov-17 19:12:20

PJ Harvey that should say!

scrabbler3 Sun 05-Nov-17 22:10:11

I was dumped just before starting sixth form. It was awful. A really bad experience. I didn't want to talk about it either, and wouldn't have appreciated being asked repeatedly to do so. Only time made things better, sorry for the cliche but it was true in my case.

He and I are good friends now, nearly 30 years on, having reconnected via Facebook. I'd never have envisaged that in the days after we'd finished - I loved him deeply and despised him at the same time, and had no desire to be just mates.

Give her space. She knows you care.

hattyhighlighter Mon 06-Nov-17 20:44:20

Just in case it might help, there are apps now you can use to help you get over a break up, such as 'mend' app

terry110 Tue 07-Nov-17 19:50:32

Thanks for advice. She's been in bits since this happened and now she's gone there to speak to,him face to face and I'm dreading her return as she's going to be in pieces and none of us are getting much sleep and still trying to go to work. What a nightmare. She just keeps,saying she wants her best friend back and can't seem to get on with any work for university. She's sitting in bed sobbing and wailing away and what ever I suggest she just puts up barriers for it. I know this all sounds normal but we've never had it this bad before and I just need her to get back to studying and back at university. I spoke to the university and they've given her extensions on some of the work and told me not to,panic but I'm such a control freak I just want everything sorted and try to,get back to "normal" whatever the hell that is!

DarlesChickens61 Fri 17-Nov-17 00:27:45

Miabeth I came on here to ask advice on exactly the same subject.

My DD has been seeing her bf for exactly two years. She is truly besotted with him. They had arranged to meet up last Friday. At the last minute he texted her to say he had other plans. Same happened on Sunday.

She was extremely confused and kept asking "Why is he doing this? I haven't done anything wrong". We had a chat and I suggested maybe he needs time to meet up with friends, maybe his mum had already made family plans etc and kind of suggested she prepare herself that maybe he has cooled off. Sunday evening he messaged her to say he loves her and will call her later. DD was, by this time, very edgy and anxiously waited for her phone to ring. I tried to distract her by chatting about other things and we made supper together to try to take her mind off the phone call. The call never came. DD became very upset at bedtime and didn't get much sleep.

Monday - GCSE Maths day - still nothing. Monday evening DD confided in her best friend and between them they decided she should call him to find out what's what. He did not answer his phone or social media messages. At midnight she received a text from him simply saying "I love you but I don't want to see you anymore. We need a break"

DD was absolutely distraught! She cried all night - English GCSE Tuesday morning so had no option than to go into school with swollen eyes and looking like death warmed up. The poor kid was absolutely heartbroken. She was sent home from school after being sick.

She cried all day yesterday (Wed), refused to eat or speak to me. I attempted to give her a cuddle, she pushed me away. Last night she received a text from him saying he has finished with her because he has met someone else. DD is now convinced she is ugly, has no personality and he must have been ashamed of her. (She is absolutely gorgeous, funny, crazy, bubbly, polite and very thoughtful).

Her usual persona has disappeared this week. She is presenting as the complete opposite of her usual self. Obviously its because she has had a rough week but I honestly don't know what I can do to help her. She will not talk to me and that hurts.

I really want to string that two timing bastard up tbh but more than anything I want my daughter back.

How are things with you and your dd now Miabeth? This is going to take a long time isn't it? I don't know (when she decides to speak to me) whether to suggest DD takes a long break from boys to recover and find herself (and mope around constantly waiting for him to come back to her) or to encourage her to go out and have fun with her friends and suggest she is now free to flirt with other boys. When all is said and done she couldn't find a bigger bastard than that one.

Good riddance to him I say! DD wont see it in the same way though hmm

Isadora2007 Fri 17-Nov-17 00:32:48

I can’t sleep through worrying about my dd(17) who is ensnared in a volatile and almost emotionally abusive relationship with someone who may (or may not) have MH issues. It’s emotionally draining her and, by default, me. On the one hand I am so glad she is able to be honest with me but on the other it’s so fecking tough going through it all with them and being powerless to protect them.

Definitely bring back the toddler tantrums. 😩

DarlesChickens61 Fri 17-Nov-17 00:42:11

Isadora

Teenage relationships and the inevitable heartbreak is draining for sure!

Toddler tantrums are a doddle in comparison. Hugs to you and your dd xx

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Fri 17-Nov-17 10:44:11

Going through similar with my DD (17) although it was her choice to split she's still heartbroken and really missing him. I know the feeling of wanting to take all the pain away but you can't. It's her pain and you can only be there for her. I have tried to explain to my DD that it's normal and will get better. I've explained that even victims of domestic violence often miss the good times with their abuser (if there were any) and I 've acknowledged that it was "real love" - which to them it is. At the end of the day, dealing with hard times is part of growing up but it's still shit. Lots of hugs and hot chocolate. And take her to see bad mom's at Christmas - it's awful but my DD thought it was hilarious! First time she's smiled in weeks.

BITCAT Mon 20-Nov-17 19:29:44

Currently going through the same thing with dd1 16yo, been going out 2 years just gone. They had sex for the first time about 2 weeks ago and he has treated her badly since, asked for a break and was out clubbing with girls etc, he is 18 so a couple of years older, although you wouldnt think it. Shes an extremely smart mature 16 yo, he has been babyed the whole time by his mother. They are well off, we are not and his family constantly look down there nose at us and dd1 because of where we live. We work very hard and all my children do.
Shes in absolute bits, and i dont know what to do, need to make her realise that she is worth more. Her big brother 19, has had words with her bf, he isnt happy seeing his sister upset.

Mombot Fri 08-Dec-17 14:11:27

A similar thing has just happened to my DS (18), who had a very brief relationship with a girl who is transgender. They've just broken up, painfully for my DS. DS is a sensitive and caring person and is finding it hard to cope with how he feels. The girl was conflicted about her gender. She behaved like a girl with my son, but tried to present as a boy to the world, so this has resulted in an added dimension of pain to this break up for both of them.

Fortunately, my son has reasonably good self-esteem and is beginning to see that he is going to be ok, that she was not the one for him. It has taught him to avoid relationships with people who are conflicted. Believe it not, every break up will teach them something and hopefully will mean that they make better choices in future.

My heart goes out to our children suffering break-ups, especially at crucial times in their lives, with exams, uni interviews etc.

As parents, all we can do is be there and try and build their self-esteem back up again. Time is a healer. xxx

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