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What are you doing to ensure your male teen's exes don't one day say #MeToo?(26 Posts)
As a mum of sons, I'm thinking about this at the moment.
How do we get the fine balance between making sure they don't feel unfuly 'entitled' without damaging their confidence and self esteem?
I've had the consent discussion with them. Does anyone have any other links etc to share?
Why should teaching them not to be entitled risk damaging their self esteem? I don't agree that it is a fine balance - men aren't that fragile, are they?
I'm teaching my son that there is no difference between men and women. You can't take what y want from people, from shops, from work.
If you want something, you ask, you work for it, you make sure it is okay.
I am teaching him to respect himself, and others, and that no means no.
And when he gets older, and we start having conversations about sex, I will be explicit. Women are not objects (or men, should he be that way inclined.) and you cannot treat them as if they are objects you have paid for and have a right to.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
'It's only OK if you're both enjoying it' is about as far as I've ever got before a teenager has fled the room scarlet-faced.
All children regardless of gender need to be taught respect for themselves and others. I’ve always taught this from an early age, also as they get older an awareness of peer pressure, and the importance of not bowing to it when you know it’s wrong. They also need to see their parents modelling respect in their relationships and attitudes.
What a strange OP. Why would teaching them right from wrong damage their self esteem? I like the way you approach it wowbutter and will be saying this to my 13 year old DS to reinforce the idea.
Countess - no, of course not. I meant more that the whole Harvey Weinstein news has stirred up a lot of strong feelings in a lot of people and I don't want to portray myself as 'anti-men'.
Posie - I didn't phrase it well - see above. I feel I could happily rant at DH and DSs about male behaviour and entitlement - but actually they are all people who don't treat people badly, so it would be misplaced. But - I want to send sons a strong message.
Oh OK, I think I get where you're coming from, but seriously you don't need to rant at them, just have a calm chat about women's rights being no different from men's, and discuss some examples including sex. I am sure if they are decent human beings they'll take the message on board.
I thought bj the message is that sexual contact is something two people do together.
It is not done by men to women
And it is not “given” by women to men
It’s a mutual two way, both should be equally as keen, thing.
I teach my son that historically women have been disadvantaged and that is as bizarre and outdated as concepts like racism. And that no civilised, decent person will be either sexist or racist. That as a man he can like and do anything that women can, and conversely, that women can like and do anything he as a man can do. That sexists and racists are weird creatures, to be pitied and ostracised.
I do nt think children listen to lectures, the most significant influences are subconscious, i.e. what really matters is the example you set.
It's already happened with my Ds. He is 13 & has SEN.
He is very clear that there was consent from both parties involved, he had previously talked about consent as he'd recently been shown a video about a cup of tea. He is physically smaller & mentally more immature than the other child involved. He says it was initially their idea.
He shouldn't have been doing what he was doing, in actual fact he was the recipient rather than the giver in the majority of what went on. He made the mistake of telling someone else & the rumours started. Then the allegation. It's been a nightmare. The other child says my Ds made them do what they did.
I think that schools definately need to address the issue not only of consent but emphasise the age of consent & that teens shouldn't be doing these things at all below the age of 16.
“Why should teaching them not to be entitled risk damaging their self esteem? I don't agree that it is a fine balance - men aren't that fragile, are they?”
I think and worry about this but I also want to get the balance right. Reading the feminist board i see posts about hammering it home to boys about respect, consent etc - making them good feminist allies. Sometimes it seems to veer into shaming them that as being the stronger privileged sex - they must prostrate themselves and make amends and ensure they don’t become evil males of the oppressive evil patriarchy of which they belong.
Have you met the teen girls?
More likely they will show your boys how they wish to be treated
I hope your DH sets a good example
Oh parent sneed to teach this not just schools
There is a fantastic short film online that looks at consent in relation to asking someone if they want a cup of tea. Showed it to my DS some years ago and his response made me proud.
I agree it's a great film.
The problem arises however when one person changes their mind afterwards. How do you know that if someone appears to willingly consent they won't regret their actions afterwards & claim they didn't consent?
I think that abstinence should be taught much more & emphasise that young people should wait until they are in a long term relationship.
(this applies to same sex relationships too, not just male/female)
I'm a single Mum and my DS's Das was abusive. My boys are aware of this, without knowing the detail (they were really young when I left him). Consequently I've bought them up to be really respectful of women .DS1 has a gf, he's so lovely with her and DS2 is really kind and considerate with his female friends. They both make me really proud.
I teach in a girls' school and I'd say the biggest issue is boys asking for nude or revealing photos and putting pressure on girls to do so. Then sharing photos that do get sent. I would teach a teen boy that it is NEVER acceptable to ask for a nude photo or to forward one on. Forwarding it on is a criminal offence.
The nude picture thing could happen to any if our kids - kids are so stupid at this age and don’t think of the whole picture or possible consequences.
I'm not sure of your point Bambambini but if you're saying it happens to boys too then that's not my experience, even when I was in a mixed school it was always boys pressuring girls to do this. I don't think teens are stupid at all, but they tend to be very insecure and vulnerable to peer pressure and the temptation to bully anyone that shows weakness. Thus a girl sends her boyfriend a nude because he says she would do it if she loved him/she's frigid if she doesn't (and maybe his mate got a nude from his gf so he feels inadequate if he doesn't get one). He then forwards on to friends after they have a row and the next thing she knows she's called a 'sket' and derided by both girls and boys, as well as enduring the shame of so many people having seen her naked.
Boys need to be taught to treat their gfs like human beings not as an opportunity for home-made porn. (Yes I am angry, not so much with the boys themselves but with the porn soaked culture that has created their attitudes).
I’m talking about the fact any of our kids could get caught up in this- whether they ask for a pic, show it, take it etc. We can’t think it our kids would never be involved.
Like others I've talked about consent and reinforced the idea that sex is something that should be fun and enjoyable for all concerned. I've also taken advantage of stories in the news and threads here to discuss a variety of scenarios. Sometimes that's been pretty uncomfortable, as when I discovered that ds thought being drunk was a total excuse (when he was 13 or so and before he'd been drunk himself). It also helps that my daughter is only 16mths younger than my son and sadly has experienced more than one 'metoo' situations which she has talked to her brother about.
Knowing that some men/boys treat women/girls badly hasn't affected ds's self esteem. Being treated badly and seeing her friends treated badly has certainly affected dd, but mostly they both react in pretty much the same way, with anger towards the guys behaving in a shitty way.