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15 yr DS double-dipped money from us yesterday

(13 Posts)
PenelopeFlintstone Fri 13-Oct-17 22:38:19

What would you do?
Yesterday morning my son asked me for some money. He was going to a party and staying at a friends. His first party that isn't very close friends. We're rural so about an hour away. I gave him 15 quid.
When I was talking to DH last night, I discovered he'd already got money from him! He'd given him 30 quid and said he expected change. 15 is enough where we live: the movies is about 5, for example.
We're picking him up today. How do we proceed? Thank you.

Out2pasture Fri 13-Oct-17 22:43:36

"mini PenelopeFlinstone your dad and I do chat regularly and it's come to our attention you asked both of us for money and both of us gave you some. we would like to know what you spent that on?"
"can we discuss how much you want and how much you need and together we need to find a reasonable balance. because asking one then the other isn't cool".

MeatAndPotato Fri 13-Oct-17 22:44:38

I would calmly confront him with DH both together maybe?

“Why did you ask me for money knowing DH had already given you money?”
“Do you not think it is manipulative of me and DH to not inform me that yoh had already been given money?”
“What did you need so much money for?”
Maybe some questions along those lines and see how he responds..

Is this out of character for him OP? Or is this in-line with usual behaviour?

Sometimes with kids nowadays they just want to have the same things (in this case amount of money) as they are expecting their friends to have.. and want to fit in? Thats just a thought (not saying it is ok or anything just a thought from my experience)

I would also consider a suitable punishment you think would fit, depending on how you like to punish him etc. Everyone is different and theres no right or wrong way to do it because every child reacts differently etc.

MeatAndPotato Fri 13-Oct-17 22:45:52

Oops *manipulative of you towards me and DH*

Jellybean85 Fri 13-Oct-17 22:48:06

I think if it's out of character i I wouldn't be too hard on him, explain that he's lucky you both give money so freely but he can't abuse it. Ask him to work off the money if he's spent it and maybe talk about the value of money. If it's a first time sounds like he's just chanced it, I don't think they think things all the way through at that age

happy2bhomely Fri 13-Oct-17 22:50:35

I have a 16 year old son and I wouldn't say a word. I would wait to see if he offers any back or owns up to taking more than he needed.

Then I would wait until he asked for money the next time he was going out. Then say, oh, you must still have £££ from last time surely? Use that. Oh, you spent it? Oh well, too bad, you're not getting more!

PenelopeFlintstone Fri 13-Oct-17 23:03:25

I'm pretty sure he was thinking he'd get someone's older sibling to buy them some booze for the party!
I've spoken to the mum where he stayed last night. She said they got an inkling they were up to something and delivered them and picked them up from the party without incident. So they were thwarted but that's what he was up to.
It's the first time he's done this.
It's too late to say nothing. I sent him a text last night and asked, "Do you have enough money?" Then sunglasses emoji - not perfectly apt but he'd know something was up.
I've got an iPhone for him for his birthday on Monday. Feels like I'm rewarding his deceit.

ToesInWater Sun 15-Oct-17 06:25:41

Tbh I’d clear the air about the money thing then make sure there was a line drawn before his birthday on Monday.

Sounds like he was specifically looking for extra cash so booze/weed would be my top suspects. I’m pretty up front with my teens so would tell him that double dipping is not on and that you and your DH are not stupid. I would also say that my suspicion is that he was trying to have money for booze/weed and see what he says. Open and frank discussion from the beginning generally sets a good pattern for communication as they get older. I would rather be told something I didn’t like and encourage a conversation.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 15-Oct-17 06:33:16

I'd just say you knew what he had done, and as he had double money he wasn't getting any more for his next excursion or two, he needed to save what he hadn't spent for that.

I also would separate the issue from the birthday present and give him his present as I'd planned. It has nothing to do with it.

picklemepopcorn Sun 15-Oct-17 06:44:00

Don't make it about the money, if you can afford not to. The money isn't what you are worried about, it's the double dealing and what he was trying to do.

Talk to him about why he wants to get hold of weed, booze, if that is what he says was planned.

He may be under pressure from his mates, and need help manufacturing some 'get out' clauses.

rwalker Sun 15-Oct-17 06:51:49

keep clam just tell him thats all his money for the month and next time you will check with each other b4 giving him money . Tell him he's spoilt it for himself. The though of no money for a month will be better than 5 minutes shouting and confrutation

daisychain01 Sun 15-Oct-17 07:01:54

I would leave it this time, what’s done is done - I remember doing it as a hard up teen!

However, his card is now marked, so make sure you confer with your DH and/or agree what you’re going to hand him in advance, and say “here’s £15 from your dad and me for xyz activity, enjoy!”

BackforGood Sun 15-Oct-17 19:13:51

In the first instance I would have asked him why he needed cash if he was going to a party at someone's house.
However, if he is old enough to be going out to parties in the evening, then surely he's old enough to be managing his own budget - call it pocket money, call it allowance, whatever.
but, as others have said, I'd discuss the fact he tricked you both in to giving him money, rather than being honest with you (and do it before his birthday).

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