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Daughter Lying.

(3 Posts)
Tikketyboo Fri 06-Oct-17 05:35:04

I have 3 children DD17 (18 next week) DS14 and DS4 (5next week) they are generally good children but have the odd moment as most kids do.
For background information we moved from the UK to another country 6 yrs ago, my parents have visited once and we have been back to the the UK once (just over 12 months ago), visiting more often is not financially viable due to distance.
I separated from DD and DS1 Dad when DS1 was born my now husband and I have been together since DS1 was a few months old (XH was abusive I left him to be with now husband)
Both children think of now husband as Dad he has bought them up emotionally and financially biological father has nothing to do with them his choice, in the beginning he had contact but was violent and abusive police involved etc, he has seen them probably 5 times in 11 years.
DS1 wanted to make contact with him when in UK last year daughter went along aswell he promised them contact etc etc they have not heard from him in over 13 months this is what he is like.

Daughter has been receiving counselling for 4 years through her high school and in the last few months through Chams (hospital health system) the Dr also put her on anti depressants as she told them she was depressed.

I love my Daughter dearly however she has attention seeking tendencies also has an illness or injury and has been caught out lying about this before ie: on crutches as she has sprained an ankle, but I saw her walking as normal when she thought I wasn’t watching that kind of thing.
I think this may be linked to A; her father not bothering with her B; moving over seas away from friends and family. C; maybe a younger sibling arriving when she was 13 impressionable age?

We have had trust issues with her in the past re in appropriate use of snap chat etc, I also once got a message from a friend of hers saying she had been telling people she had been self harming due to this I asked to look at her messages she showed me them, she had been saying these things but not self harming (I see her in crop top and undies) most of the people she sends these messages to are boys.

Yesterday whilst I was out and the 2 oldest were home she called me to say $120 had gone missing from her room this money was to pay for a hotel in a few weeks as her and some friends were going to a convention in another city, the only people who had been in the house were myself mr4 and the two teens, she concluded that DS14 had taken it. I called and spoke to him and he said he hadn’t, 20 minutes later I get a call to say she had found it, it was under DS14 bed he must of taken it. He then starts crying that he hadn’t taken it she was a liar.

When I return home we sit for at least two hrs trying to resolve the issue he says she planted it she says he took it, DH and I tell them whoever it was come clean now and all punishment will be is doing own household chores and siblings chores for a week and grounded for a week as stealing/framing and lying is not acceptable.
I asked them both and individually at least 20 times who had done it and both remained adamant it was not them. We made it clear that the more lying that happened the more severe the punishments would become as lying is the one thing we do not accept from them.

Fast forward to this morning and DD admits to DH that she did it and does not say why.

What do I do ?? Are our expectations far to high? Am I such a terrible parent that she feels she can lie and disrespect in this way? Do I punish her if so is saying she can’t go away now to harsh?

If you managed to make sense of all of this I thank you, at times like this being so far away from family advice is just so hard. Thank you.

BillywilliamV Fri 06-Oct-17 06:21:26

Teenagers lie, they just do! I would just stick rigidly to your initial punishment and try not to analyse things too much. I found The book "Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into Town" by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks immensely useful in helping me understand and deal with my own daughter.

Tikketyboo Fri 06-Oct-17 06:34:09

Thank you I will have a look at that. I guess I just find it hard to believe she could out right lie to our faces complain how unfair it was that we took both of there cell phones with out so much as a flicker of remorse. She has been so looking forward to going away and I feel guilty stopping her however she would happily have let her brother be punished for something he didn’t do. I feel like I don’t know her right now and that makes me feel sad.

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