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15 Year Old Son Is Obsessed With Messaging girls, some he does not actually know!

(36 Posts)
clairetoon72 Thu 05-Oct-17 17:40:23

My 15 year old son has myself and his dad very concerned. he spends all of his time on social media messaging girl, some he knows, some he does not. When asked about it he denies it, yet we see the messages! He has found himself in trouble at school as he has been keen on. girl, who is not interested in him, but he refuses to give up. I really don't know what to do and was hoping that someone may have some advice. He is a kind hearted boy and not malicious in any way, but in his desperation to have a girlfriend he seems obsessed with messaging girls.

MarmaladeIsMyJam Thu 05-Oct-17 17:43:41

Take his phone off him, he's harassing those poor girls.

LIZS Thu 05-Oct-17 17:45:55

Remove phone etc. He could very soon get into serious trouble, let alone the effect it may be having on the girls concerned. Have you seen his messages?

clairetoon72 Thu 05-Oct-17 17:53:04

We have taken his phone away, I was really looking to find out if anyone else had had a similar problem, with respect I am able to parent my son very well, but not having raised a teenager before....the messages are not innapproriate, just things like:-

Hi, How are You?

Hi, what are you up to?

What are you doing at the weekend?

MarmaladeIsMyJam Thu 05-Oct-17 17:58:11

So he wasn't bothered that he's in trouble about it?

clairetoon72 Thu 05-Oct-17 17:59:24

Yes, he is very upset and sorry about it.

clairetoon72 Thu 05-Oct-17 18:00:01

but at first he denied it until we looked into it all

DaisysStew Thu 05-Oct-17 18:00:51

It doesn't matter, it's still harassment if these girls don't want to talk to him (which I'm assuming is the case especially as some are strangers). He needs to understand that you can't pester someone into liking you, they either do or they don't.

I know you're his mum so are probably feeling sorry for him but imagine it was your daughter getting the constant, unwanted messages - would you be happy about it?

clairetoon72 Thu 05-Oct-17 18:03:44

Most of the girls he messages communicate back, it was just 1 girl he messaged as she was his cousins friend. I don't fell SORRY for him at a ll! I am bloody furious!

crimsonlake Thu 05-Oct-17 18:04:43

What were the warning signals that triggered you looking at his messages? I am sure you are in the right here, but I have 2 sons who are now in their twenties and they would not have tolerated me having access to their phone and viewing messages, How do you know he is contacting girls he does not know and how would he have their numbers otherwise?

clairetoon72 Thu 05-Oct-17 18:08:49

He is messaging girls from school on social media, it was only 1 girl he messaged on social media who was his cousins friend. the school told us that the girl in his class had asked the teacher to ask him not to ask her out anymore so we looked into his social media and noticed he regularly chats online with girls he knows...

SheSaidNoFuckThat Thu 05-Oct-17 18:31:14

My eldest DS messages girls too, nothing sinister, not had any problems. His phone is monitored because it is - he gets no say in this, random checks are done, if he objected I'd know there was something on it that meant he had crossed a line, we have rules, he follows them or looses phone

clairetoon72 Thu 05-Oct-17 18:32:52

SSNFT, thanks for your rely. He never send anything sinister, just friendly chat, but I was concerned as to how to manage it. I thought he was the ONLY boy to message girls online

clairetoon72 Thu 05-Oct-17 18:34:16

he knows we have access to his phone, and never objects\

EduCated Fri 06-Oct-17 11:44:43

Does he understand why school have got involved and asked you to speak to him? Have you had a chat about not repeatedly asking someone the same question, and accepting no the first time?

NoLoveofMine Fri 06-Oct-17 14:18:00

Most of the girls he messages communicate back

Probably because girls are socialised to be polite, to not anger boys, to not provoke them. Girls regularly received unsolicited messages on social media from boys and men and even if some may not mind, many do and it is harassment. The onus is not on the girls to not reply or tell him to back off as they don't know how he'll respond. He needs to learn this is unacceptable, just as it would be if he went up to girls or women he didn't know on the street trying to converse or making comments (as many men do, also harassment).

One of my brothers is 15 and I'd be angered with him if he did such things.

specialsubject Fri 06-Oct-17 19:32:02

He's doing the equivalent of wolf whistling from scaffolding. Very seventies.

And now utterly unacceptable. He'll only be seen as a saddo - will that get through?

GreenTulips Fri 06-Oct-17 19:36:09

DD had a boy like this, she's quite straight talking though and kept telling him to leave her alone

The police had to be involved eventually because he took exception to being told no!

Some girls aren't as forward and feel the need to stay pleasent - but if she's told a teacher then there's more to this

Unfortunately you can't see the Snapchat messages he sent so you can't say for definite it's all innocent

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Sun 08-Oct-17 11:52:08

What greentulips said. It amazes me that parents think they can actually police their child's phone and see what they are getting up to. All the real conversations are taking place in Snapchat etc which can only be seen by those in the chat - plus they all have nicknames so you can never know who is saying what to whom. What you will see on their phone is what they want you to see e.g. posts like "does anyone havectge biology worksheet and "anyone fancy going to Macd's for an ice blast ". This could be the tip of a potentially dangerous iceberg and I would take it very seriously OP.

SheSaidNoFuckThat Sun 08-Oct-17 12:21:01

My kids don't have Snapchat, I have full access to their phones and their emails come through on my iPad, so get their modifications too. No I don't read the majority of them, but if I have reason for concern I will and they, along with their friends know this

LonginesPrime Sun 08-Oct-17 12:58:49

OP, I have teenage girls and a boy so can see it from both sides. DS has ASD so I imagine I spend more time having to explain social things to him than a parent of the average teenage boy, but we talk about consent and respect when he does thoughtless things like leaning his elbow on his sister's shoulder or going in my handbag without asking, etc and I've told him about the law around harassment and what counts as assault, etc.

I've not seen any evidence that DS is harassing anyone, but I can see from his lack of awareness around personal space that he could potentially harass people without knowing it's wrong/illegal in the future if I don't help him to learn these things.

OP, since your son's behaviour appears to have become an issue for others, I suggest you work on helping him to see things from the girls' perspective, and helping him to see how his female contemporaries have a right to live their lives without being harassed.

My DS has always had an earful about gender inequality and the fact women couldn't own property, vote, etc until relatively recently, and I think having sisters (one of whom receives unsolicited dick pics and requests for nudes on SnapChat) helps him to see things from the girls' perspective.

I think teaching teen boys about the realities of living as a girl or woman in a world of everyday sexism and harassment is essential in helping boys to understand what's acceptable and in protecting girls.

In summary, parenting teenagers is hard!

Noeuf Sun 08-Oct-17 15:58:30

I think this is really common and you don't need to panic. Just make sure he understands if someone isn't keen on communicating.

I have teens and it's a different world to the one we grew up in - instead of at 'discos' or youth clubs they meet online.

Dd would regularly get bland messages from boys posted to her various SM and usually these were a friend of an friend. She was very scathing of the completely unknown contacts.

They all know a lot more about each other and are on various radars. This despite different schools.

She did develop a couple of real life relationships from these but really didn't feel 'stalked' or harassed by it.

However I can see that some teens may feel stressed and not sure of an appropriate response. He needs to not contact the girl again, but she will need to learn to either change her use of SM or a response that puts people off messaging again because I don't see it changing.

LonginesPrime Sun 08-Oct-17 18:32:28

she will need to learn to either change her use of SM or a response that puts people off messaging again because I don't see it changing

Whilst I agree that it's a sad reality that teenage girls have to develop defensive strategies to deal with the harassment they will face in daily life, OP is a parent of one of the boys who will potentially be harassing those girls.

OP is very sensible to be concerned and to be asking for opinions on how to deal with this with her son, and if more parents of boys had this attitude towards social media and their sons' interactions with girls, our daughters wouldn't be growing up in a world where sexual harassment is seen as normal.

GreenTulips Sun 08-Oct-17 18:38:07

My kids don't have Snapchat

Can I suggest you set up an account and search contacts - you might be surprised

Scrumptiousbears Sun 08-Oct-17 18:42:52

OP some of those girls he doesn't know may not be girls at all. He needs to be careful.

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