DD2 - a minor disagreement and a huge storming out.

[LostWithThisOne]

Apologies if this is long, I've NC.

Last weekend DH and I were on holiday, we'd left DD2 18, 19 next month, at home with her boyfriend of 3 years, he's pretty much one of the family.

The short version of this is that a small disagreement has got completely out of hand.

DD1, 23 has left home, finished university, has a job and lives nearby but independently.
I mention this only to illustrate that I have been through the teen years before so I know what to do in most teenager situations.

I have paid for DD2 to have a phone contract for years and had agreed to keep paying for the next two years.
We both knew that DD2 was due for a phone upgrade soon.

DH is their Step Dad but everyone gets on very well.

We have taken DD2 on a family holiday this year and I took her on holiday on my own, so I don't think she is troubled that DH and I went away without her this time.
This is the third year in a row that DH and I have been on holiday together without DD2 but she gets a good share of holidays with us, our wider family and me on my own.

DD2 was due a phone upgrade, there's nothing wrong with her phone, she just wants an iPhone 7.
Last week while we were on holiday DD2 asked me when her phone upgrade was due, I checked and sent a text back to say that it was the next day so we could go into the shop when I got back to get her new phone.
All seemed fine.

The next day DD2 sent me an angry text to ask if I'd called the phone company to order an upgrade, I said I hadn't that the phone signal on holiday was patchy and repeated that we would sort it in a few days when I was home.
I stayed calm throughout.

DD2 exploded and we got home from holiday to find that she has gone to stay with her boyfriend indefinitely.
In itself it's not unusual for her bf to stay here or DD2 to stay with him for weeks at a time.
DD2 ceased all contact because she said I had been unreasonable about the phone.

I left it for a while then today I sent her a text to say that she could talk to me when she felt ready.
She said she would come round this evening but she wanted to come round when I was in the supermarket, I told her as soon as I was home that she could come round but by then she'd changed her mind and didnt want to talk.

From the few texts she has sent she says I don't give her enough attention.
She is nearly 19, has a large group of good friends, goes to College, is planning to go to Uni next year and when she's home we sit and chat or watch TV together, eat together and go out on the rare occasions that she isn't busy and she wants to go somewhere with me.
As I said, I take her on holiday every year, just the two of us.
If she wants to spend time with me I am always available.
We've been on Uni open days together, with more to come.

The few texts she has sent me today say that I'm neglecting her.

Her Dad left us when she was 5 and hasn't wanted to see her since she was 11.

Something about the fact that I didn't immediately order a mobile phone for her last week has obviously brought up lots of feelings for her.
She has always been possessive of me, probably because she doesn't have a Dad but the one time I didn't jump as soon as she wanted something she is using this to say that I don't care.

I feel like she's blackmailing me, we need to talk about it but she just wants to be angry instead.
I don't mind if she stays with her boyfriend but I want to be on good terms.

She is refusing all attempts at reconciliation unless I meet her right now, as soon as she decides to and if I can't make it then she decides it isn't happening. She wants to control the situation and she wants to control me.

Mobile phone aside she needs money for a school trip which has to be due in this week so she's going to have to approach me soon.

I'm tearing my hair out.
I want to give her space and I would like to talk things through as we usually do but I don't want her to dictate my movements to me.
I'm leaving her alone again now, I've tried but I don't know what to do next, if anything.

Am I doing the right thing? My friends say I'm being too soft but being angry isn't going to help.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know there are bigger things going on than just a mobile phone but unless she is prepared to talk about them it cannot be resolved.

Any ideas?

[LostWithThisOne]

Gosh that really was long.
It has helped to write it down though.

[opheliacat]

Sympathies.

With teenagers, and adults for that matter, it is how things feel rather than how things are that matter.

I had a massive row with my dad once. He dropped me off at university some time in my second year amd it was the first time he'd ever done so. It is silly explaining this now but the girls I lived with had mums who would take them to Tesco and do a grocery shop and I was desperate for my dad to do this! He exploded at me and said he'd given me £200 (he had) and drove off.

I realise now I probably came across as grasping to him, and I wasn't.

It sounds like she is testing your love for her through material things. That's a tricky one.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

I think she's got a real nerve. She doesn't need an update, she just wants it. It'll cost you and not her. Now she's sulking because you don't run around after her when she clicks her fingers.

I think you need to be quite tough with her and tell her to come and discuss it when she's learned some manners.

[LostWithThisOne]

Yes, that's it in a nutshell Ophelia, testing my love through the material and it is tricky and unexplained.

She was Head Girl at school that's not a stealth boast or an actual boast- and everyone used to say how mature she is but she really bloody isn't!

mybrilliant again, I agree that she's out of order. My second text yesterday, in response to her anger included:

• we'd need to have a conversation, like adults do.

• You've made it clear you want confrontation rather than compromise and conclusion.

• I'll have that conversation when you are ready. Without argument.

So I'm not going to shout but I will make it clear how angry I am and that I won't be held to ransom.

[billybagpuss]

Arggh Teenagers,

I'm sure you're right something else is definitely going on, unless she is a complete spoiled b which I'm sure she's not, something is happening and she needs someone to vent her anger on even though its completely unjustified and pretty hurtful and honestly unlikely to be anything to do with a phone.

I've a 20 and an 18 year old and had various issues over the past couple of years. The hardest thing I've probably learned, is that the way they treat me is irrelevant. They are adults now even if they don't act like them. I think I'd probably leave it a couple of days then try a completely different conversation, just ask how she is and tell her a silly story about what the cat/dog/neighbours goldfish is up to. Talking about the problem will just invite agro and confrontation but you need to talk about anything however silly and irrelevant just to keep the lines of communication open and to relax the situation.

Really good luck it's such a difficult age.

[Hels1970]

My daughter has started an apprenticeship and the subject of 'paying board' is causing some disagreements. Her argument is that none of her friends pay any so why should she. As I will no longer be receiving CB or M from her father I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking her to contribute towards food, bills etc. I know she will only get £3.50 an hour but I still think she should pay something. Anybody else been in this situation that can offer advice would be really helpful

[jalopy]

Agree with Mybrilliant.

[Orangeplastic]

My response to this would be getting her phone unlocked and moving onto a competitive sim only deal, no upgrade! - bad behaviour does not get rewarded.

[OliviaStabler]

I think it is a tough age. Legally an adult but still living at home so the lines get blurred between adult and child behaviour.

What you are doing is right, hold firm. She needs to learn that her behaviour is not acceptable and she needs to learn to recognise her emotions and deal with them in an adult way.

Good luck

[OliviaStabler]

@Hels1970

Might be a good idea to start your own thread

[RiseToday]

She sounds like a right madam.

You sound like a lovely mum and she does not appreciate you - at all.

Personally I would leave her to stew because you have done absolutely nothing wrong. She's an adult and behaving like an absolute dick!

[RiseToday]

Also, she should be apologising to YOU. Don't forget that.....

[Theworldisfullofidiots]

I wonder if you've over compensated. She sounds like my 15 year old on a bad day.
I don't really want to give advice because I don't know enough about your situation.
I think though I'd start setting the boundaries of how you want your adult relationship with her to be. She needs to see you as a person not as mum/adult who gives her things. She needs to she you have feelings and needs too.

[Winteriscomingneedmorewood]

Sorry but I would be cancelling the bloody contract not upgrading it!

[Caselgarcia]

She is an adult now and needs to understand you have your own life to live. I'd be angry that she was texting me while I was on holiday about a phone upgrade for her. Let her stew for a while, life doesn't revolve around her.

[PotteringAlong]

I also would not be shelling out money for a school trip.

[CamperVamp]

I think you are handling this really well. Tell her you love her, you miss her and you look forward to having a calm discussion. Listen, but also tell her how you feel, as you have done in this thread.

[Theworldisfullofidiots]

I agree with Camper

[SuburbanRhonda]

Sorry but I would be cancelling the bloody contract not upgrading it!

I don't think the OP over-reacting in the same way her DD is would be very helpful.

[flapjackfairy]

I would cancel the contract completely and let her buy her own phone tbh. And i say this as a mother of a dd who is 17 yr old and a grown up one. I wouldnt even hesitate and my kids all know that to be the case. There was one famous occasion when dd1 now 25 nearly burnt the house down with hair straighteners and they were duly banned. She borrowed her friends and smirked at me as she said i couldnt do anything about it as they werent hers. She looked on in horror as i cut the plug off and binned them and she was forced to pay to replace them for her friend. She laughs about it now but at the time was v angry with me. Sometimes i think we take too much from them and a bit of tough love is required as we deserve respect in our own homes.
No doubt she will strop off to boyfriends but as my husband would say " she will need you before you need her " . It is hard to do i know and you worry they will hate you for ever but i am v close to my daughters despite teenage ups and downs and i think they have more respect for you in the long run. After all we wouldnt accept this from anyone else.

[SuburbanRhonda]

You sound lovely, flapjack.

[chocatoo]

She sounds pretty self centred. You will not be doing her any favours by rewarding such behaviour. A new phone would be out of the question for me until she apologised and showed a change in attitude over a period of time.

[chocatoo]

She sounds pretty self centred. You will not be doing her any favours by rewarding such behaviour. A new phone would be out of the question for me until she apologised and showed a change in attitude over a period of time.

[flapjackfairy]

I probably sound like a horrid hard mum but nothing is further from the truth as i dote on all 5 of my kids and they are my world but i do believe in boundaries and mutual respect alongside that.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

I think as Head Girl she probably is used to being a bit of a Queen Bee at school and expects you to treat her the same way!

Stand firm that there will be no upgrade until there is at the very least an apology.

Then tell her firmly if she persists with this behaviour there will not only be no upgrade but that you will cancel the contract and she will need to sort out her own access to a phone.

She'll soon come round.