13 year old sone using cannabis

[purple1972]

So this has been going on for a while, over the summer really. I suspected my 13 year old son of using cannabis a couple of times but he managed to fob me off and I stupidly believed him. A couple of weeks ago I came home to find him and his friends had been in my house and there were traces of tobacco, tin foil and skunk on the table as well damage to the table, also evidence in the garden. My son said that there were people in but no drugs. He was simply lighting matches by the bins in garden but had no idea about drugs - no one had them??? - I questioned why, then was there the end of a joint in the matchbox - again - no idea? He was grounded then on return to school he refused to go to school for 2 days. I called school and they came to house and I told them everything. That same night he refused to answer my calls and texts for hours (he left house even tho he was grounded). So I called the Police and reported him missing. The police were great and when he strolled back in later that night they even came back to give him a talk. He has also had talks with school and Barnados (a follow up as he was reported missing). While grounded he was lovely and he agreed he had to build up trust again, so this week I let him go out for a couple of hours 2 nights in a row, with condition of being home early. I got home after work yesterday and there was a faint smell of cannabis in the house. Also a tiny amount of tobacco and cannabis on the floor. I then found cigarette ends on his bedroom floor under the window (I guess he has been smoking out of his window - not cannabis though). When confronted last night he denied everything - doesn't know how any of it got there - can't explain it. I am at a complete loss as to what to do now. I said he was grounded again and I have stopped his money. He simply refuses to acknowledge any drugs, but I know he's lying. I just get accused of 'never believing him'. He has been caught out a few times and lied to me. Drugs advice and anger management have both been offered to him. He is considering anger management, but simply refuses to acknowledge any drug use. I just don't know what to now?

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

We've had similar issues with our son who is now 16. Weed smoking out of his window - house smelling of it and then denying it. It culminated in my wife (we're both female) absolutely losing it with him one night when we came upstairs to go to bed and the area outside his room reeked of weed. She burst into his room - he was in bed- and basically berated him saying if he wanted to go on living here then there was to be no more weed smoking in the house. Easier to threaten with a 16 yr old than a 13 yr old of course. We also told him the neighbours had complained of the smell (which they had) as our son's bedroom window is next to the neighbours bedroom window and were threatening to call the police (they weren't) It seemed to do the trick.
None of any of that is particularly helpful for you I guess as your son is younger but the bigger question is how is he paying for the drugs. Does he have access to money? An allowance? We went through a stage where we gave our son absolutely no cash at all and made sure we didn't leave purses or loose change lying around. My advice would be to cut off any supplies of money and keep him grounded while you can. Once they get to 16 this is much harder to do. Make sure he knows that you know that he's lying. You have my sympathies.

[purple1972]

Thank you. Honestly I feel completely broken at the moment so any advice is welcome. The paying for it I will admit to being guilty of. I was a complete naive idiot and believed everything I was told. Until it all kicked off a couple of weeks ago, he would ring and say he was going to Nandos, the town etc so I would stick the odd £10-£20 in his bank. I know I was a fool about that now. I have completely stopped any money into his bank and I have given him nothing. We even rowed this morning because I wouldn't give him £1 for 'sweets'. I absolutely know he is lying. He smashed his phone up a week ago so he has used an old one of mine. Last night I took that off him, he took the sim card out of it but there were a few texts on there about them getting various types of cannabis. His instagram was also open and there are a lot of messages from a few months ago (it's all on Snapchat now) about his and his mates drug use, even photos of them being stoned. It has obviously been going on for months and I didn't even see it until recently.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

It's so difficult but you are doing all the right things. You could also maybe try and have a conversation about why he's smoking it. I know with our son he told us it was because he gets anxious (anxiety has always been a problem even when he was young) and the weed smoking helps to relax him.

We've tried to be tolerant about it - now he's nearly 17 there's not a huge amount we can do unless we want to live in a warzone until he leaves home.

He still smokes it (he's got a part time job so can fund his habit himself now) but nowhere near as much and never in the house. I always pull him up when he comes in with bloodshot eyes too - it's a sure giveaway - just so he knows that I know. He likes to have our approval so I know he struggles with guilt over smoking it.

As well as cutting of supplies of money I would try and keep lines of communication open with your son and see if you can explore what's going on for him that he feels he needs to smoke weed at a relatively young age.
His school might also be able to offer advice or some form of counselling too.

[MaryPoppins999]

I've no particular advice but I wanted to say how lovely onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad has been in her supportive, helpful posts.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

😊 Thank you so much MaryPoppins 😁

[purple1972]

I agree. Kind and supportive words during a really difficult time. Sometimes you can blame yourself for your kids mistakes and a little understanding can make a whole world of difference. I can only take each day as it comes, make sure he knows I'm on his case and stay on it. I'm scared of the future but I'm going to do my best to get him in the right direction, even if he hates me along the way xx

[emss55]

Hi Purple1972. You could be me writing about DS. My DS is now 17 got in with the wrong crowd at college taking drugs alcohol having sex with whoever. It's a nightmare as he has been brought up to know better. Re advice have you spoken to the school is it impacting on his work. There are organisations for families of young addicts to get support share worries etc. I'm sure you have but sit down with him tell him how worried upset you are with all that us going on, you only want the best for them always but teens just do there own thing. My ds is at college still changed courses but still does his own tbing I worry myself sick every time he walks out the door. He is my only child and I so wanted him and love him but I never ever thought being parent to a teenager would be so heartbreaking. Good luck with your boy and to all other parents out there going through the same nightmare