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12 year old dd and porn

(50 Posts)
Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 12:52:33

Sneaked a look at her phone and shes been looking at images and videos on Instagram. Don't know if anywhere else. Also I can see shes been deleting all her message threads.
The deal is I get to periodically check the phone and messages but shes been taking it everywhere lately.
She was in the bath yesterday and I noticed she'd locked the door and had her phone in there. That's when I found it.
Ive removed all devices. Didn't shout just said she was too young to view these image's they arent a true representative of love etc.
What's the next step?
She's avoiding me now.

yawning801 Sun 03-Sep-17 12:57:09

I'd report all of the content to Instagram and have a very stern talk with her. Also see if there's anyone she knows who's been pressuring her to watch it/send it.

helpmenotfuckthis Sun 03-Sep-17 13:00:19

Don't make her feel bad. It's normal to be curious -she needs to know that - and not feel ashamed by it

Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 13:01:30

She needs a phone for school next week but I'm very reluctant to hand a smart phone over again.
She will be furious however if I give her a basic phone but honestly that's what I want to do.
She is literally obsessed with the phone lately.
Last week on holiday she sneaked it into her room at 2am!

Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 13:02:47

I'm not making her feel bad but neither do I want her to have free access to porn and look at some girl giving a blow job which is what I saw yesterday!!!! Shes 12 ffs !!!!

Somerville Sun 03-Sep-17 13:03:36

Don't give her the phone back until Instsgram is deleted and blocked, and also make sure filters on your home wifi are tight enough. (You can block websites on there too).
Bring in a new rule that phones/devices don't come upstairs, so you have plenty of time to check it each evening.
I'd do all that whilst trying to keep lines of communication open with her (in case see being bullied or groomed, though unlikely)
Parenting is tough,huh? gin

Cloudyapples Sun 03-Sep-17 13:05:58

Why has she got Instagram at 12? Isn't the age limit 13?

MissEDashwood Sun 03-Sep-17 13:08:51

I had to have a conversation a friend couldn't about intimate photos. I think Kylie J etc are to blame as she was a sex symbol in her teens. DD has her own tape for measuring her boobs that to me aren't bra worthy, something like 30AA so suggested crop tops are so much nicer, when she gets boobs she'll wish she never had them, yet girls coming up to Y6 are wearing those padded add 2 sizes jobs. Why oh why I don't know.

It's an important lesson to teach our daughters, maybe focus of Kylie Jenner, with how she transformed over night with before / after photos. Also suggest boys like subtlety more, as in what they can't see, over parading it about for all too see.

IG worries me as there's so many trends, the worst part is there's no real way of protecting them and/or drilling in the mindset that twerking against a boys crotch isn't big or clever. Thanks Miley.

There's a YouTuber, or group of them who make money as people will pay for them to do various things like twerking, or flashing a bum in a thong. One main girl I watched in disbelief said, 'This is my business model!' She's from the US and under 21 from what I gather. For $10 she'll shout out your name and for $15 I think, she'll do personal snapchat videos. It really is repulsive.

OK our DD's aren't going to be Nun's, but there's so much out there to lead them astray. I would check her YouTube history and searches, I'm not sure if you set up a family network, if you can get a transcript of searches and websites viewed.

I'm grateful we're only at the 'but where's my boobs stage' as I know this is going to be a worse rollercoaster than DS.

Maybe an IT person can help.

Good luck. flowers

Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 13:10:32

How do I block Instagram please?

She has Instagram because she's almost 13, her friends have it, It's a private account, the deal was I follow her and see her posts etc. Clearly hasn't worked has it.

BalconyBunting Sun 03-Sep-17 13:14:09

I'd give her a basic phone too. Can you block the wifi at night?

Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 13:14:49

She's always always on Instagram. When I removed her phone and took the tv remote she was literally furious with me. " What exactly do you expect me to do without them??????" She just kept shouting. It's like she's addicted!! She spends ALL DAY in her room. I tried to get her out yesterday for shoe shopping. It was such hard work. I bought her lunch and a couple of tops but she barely spoke to me. Then back upstairs on the phone!!!
Its like she's addicted.

MissEDashwood Sun 03-Sep-17 13:15:52

I just wanted to say I totally agree, as you want to keep openness don't make her feel bad. But perhaps say it's been known for boys to send photos on, they can get into deep trouble for it. But remember boys do share stuff.

The girl I spoke to was quite mature, she was chatting about how hard being a teen was, how she has hormones and these feelings, her friend go outed, that worried her. So I said about the boy potentially getting into lots of trouble if he did. Then sounded like a right OAP , saying surely it's better to see in person. She was 15 so not the same age.

I think there is a lot of peer pressure involved.

Wishing you loads of luck.

With parental controls, I'd be wary a friend could get round it, as they're all learning networking and programming I think. So it needs to be super secure, so you possibly get a text or email if an attempt has been made.

MissEDashwood Sun 03-Sep-17 13:18:49

I asked about the SIM card thing, as we gave our old phones to DC but it's internet only no Sim. But they need to text, like desperately.

I thought WhatsApp was for texting, so it changed to phone calls ICE.

How would they have coped with a green screen Motorola or Nokia 😂

titchy Sun 03-Sep-17 13:21:30

Why on earth did you let her have the phone back yesterday? Get her a basic one. She won't die from lack of Instagram. And get her involved with something outside school, guides, scouts, gym, swimming, musical theatre. Anything.

MissEDashwood Sun 03-Sep-17 13:25:25

I agree with Tichy that Girl Guides, Girl Scouts, something that teaches how young people should ideally behave. Does that sound archaic? Or cadets, I think there's lots of different cadets.

Hopefully once back at school she won't have that much time with some extra added on.

MissEDashwood Sun 03-Sep-17 13:29:32

Maybe even horse riding, gymnastics, trampolining etc. I would suggest a simple pet, but I don't think that's the answer.

Something to really focus on to get her self esteem a boost.

She could do homework & chores & get supervised time on the phone, hopefully you being there will put her off.

misscph1973 Sun 03-Sep-17 13:29:46

OP, you should now allow her to stay all day in her room on her phone. This is how she got addicted and this is how she ended up watching porn. She is not old enough to manage youtube, Instagram etc.

My DD, also 12, is by no means perfect, and I am by no means a perfect parent, but I have always restricted her phone use, she only got it when she started Year 7, and she's allowed 30 min daily. At first the phone had no restrictions, but then we discovered that she had Instagram without permission, so after a 1 month total ban my DH set it (an old iPhone) up with parent controls, so she can't download any apps without permission. I'm sure she uses her phone in school, but as she hasn't gotten into trouble for it yet, it can't be that bad.

02 and Vodaphone have some really good parent guides that have been very useful for us.

I can understand why you took her out for lunch and shopping, but it clearly didn't work as you had intended. I think you should get her phone restricted with parent controls, and then plan how she is going to spend the time she previously spent on her phone. I find with my DD that outdoor time and sports are the best antidote to electronics. There is a lot of complaining an resisting, but once we're outside or she is doing sports, she enjoys it.

Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 13:31:02

I didn't give her phone back. The shopping thing happened before the bath and the Instagram discovery.
I have her phone and tablet. She just has a t.v. right now.
I've suggested guides, drama club, anything. Everything is rubbish, embarrassing or not cool.

Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 13:31:58

The shopping thing was BEFORE!!!!

Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 13:33:43

How do I physically make her do sports or a club when she literally refuses. I can't physically drag her??

titchy Sun 03-Sep-17 13:39:07

Ok misunderstood about the timing.

Taking away the phone might well mean she'll be more willing to do something just to alleviate the boredom!

Migraleve Sun 03-Sep-17 13:39:42

but neither do I want her to have free access to porn and look at some girl giving a blow job which is what I saw yesterday!!!! Shes 12 ffs !!!!

Sorry but who are you raging at? I'm not sure if you have noticed yet but YOU are the one who provided her with the tools to see these things confused

crazycatguy Sun 03-Sep-17 13:40:26

No 12yo needs a phone, especially during term. Many schools expressly ban their students from bringing one in.

Squeegle Sun 03-Sep-17 13:45:17

Migraleve helpful not! All the teens have phones; not all of them behave like this. The OP is looking for positive suggestions. I don't have the answer except that for my DS I have used Norton parental controls on the iPhone - you have to use restrictions. She won't like it, but I also think it's fair enough to take away instagram.

Peakyblinders Sun 03-Sep-17 13:45:54

I'm raging at the " dont make her feel bad" comments. But yea thank you im aware that this is clearly all my fault.

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