grumpy 15 year old DS depressing me

[BeachFar]

Hi all,

This is something I've noticed recently.

Teenage son this morning he has come into living room and first words were to complain about 'no food for breakfast' and 'milk is sour'. There was a similar bunch of moaning first thing yesterday. I would never have done that to my mum at the same age. I would just have got it sorted!

So, straight off, its misery and complaining, sometimes arguing and hostility. Just waiting for next week when they're back at school and I don't see him until after 4 p.m. Even then, thats the time I sometimes go out to do some errands so I don't have to listen to grumpiness! Its really like living with a grumpy, middle-aged, entitled man sometimes!

I've read all the books about teenagers. My son has some good sides, he can be fun, reasonable and intelligent when the mood strikes him!

But I find it depressing at times living with this moaning person. I have health issues myself and so a lot to contend with.

I have tried to separate our lives a bit more, let him do more of his own cooking (so I don't have to listen to his complaints on that subject), but still he drags be down at times.

Any encouraging thoughts or insights my way ... ? Sometimes the thought of living like this for another 3+ years brings me down!!

[Squeegle]

I agree. My DS is 13 though so I have at least 5 years!! I try to empathise - that works best. Otherwise I leave the room. It is highly irritating and entitled.

[Scabetty]

I have an almost 15 yo son who is very negative and argumentative. I leave him ti himself in the mornings as he complains about lack of food tbh. The problem is he can't see what is in front if him and lacks head swivel .

Sometimes I do talk about his negative approach and that changing his attitude is possible. Example : desk he wanted won't fit due to radiator. This was a disaster but easily solved with a level head. He can be funny and caring too. I say allow yourselves space apart but when he is totally unreasonable talk about how you feel. They forget others have problems/lack perspective.

[Butterfly1975]

My DS is a bit younger (13) but I feel your pain!

I think letting him become more independent with cooking etc sounds like a really good plan and takes the pressure off you a bit. Is he at home a lot or does he have interests/go out with friends?

My DS rarely goes out so I find the moment he's off his X Box the moaning becomes pretty intolerable. It's hard work isn't it - I feel the summer break is far too long and puts real pressure on family relationships especially with teens.

[BeachFar]

The problem is he can't see what is in front if him and lacks head swivel wink

^ That made me laugh.

He does go out a fair bit, but obviously not enough!

Yes, I think getting him to be more independent is the way to go, Butterfly. I don't mind a blast of negativity or sadness or anger from time to time - its human and probably positive. Its the drip-drip moaning and passivity that gets to me. Clearly I shall have to find more creative ways of dealing with this so it doesn't get to me. Yesterday I even found myself looking up "when does parental responsibility end?" Its 18 in England (16 in Scotland for some reason).

[MissEDashwood]

Is there any chance he's struggling with something personal or at school. Boys seem to have the propensity to do full on mood swings perfect. We called DS Kevin, he hated it, which was cruel, but it wasn't a 13th birthday transformation, I think he was still at Primary. DD is the same, life is oh so unfair at 10. DS gets everything and she gets nothing, when it's actually the other way round.

I'd keep joking with him and attempt to get a smile. It brings the whole house down though, so like to clear it quick.

[TwitterQueen1]

Don't be too harsh on him. It's obvious here that you are avoiding him whenever you can - perhaps he has picked up on that and is simply trying to establish some kind of communication in a very ineffectual and clumsy 15 year old way.

I feel sorry for him - you deliberately run errands after school, when he's around, make him do his own cooking, apparently don't see him in the mornings either. . Maybe he wants a mum who cares?

[nuttyknitter]

I agree with Twitter. You risk permanently damaging your relationship if you continue to back away. You need to see past this behaviour, make time to do stuff together that he enjoys, make sure he knows you're on his side.

[MissEDashwood]

How are things with his Dad? Or is there another male relative he's got a close bond with.

[Scabetty]

Can you give him any areas of resonsibility. My son loves to have his advice acted upon; born boss. Obviously some advice needs a swerve but we can debate and compromise. Takes energy mind you to stop yourself just saying no some suggestions. I try to keep communication open and am often told I am being annoying and embarrassing but he knows he can pretty much tell me anything and I won't be too quick to judge. Spending time together without dh and dd is usually fun too

[BeachFar]

You don't anything anything about me twitter. I'm at work early in the morning FFS and have a serious illness to boot, but keep making assumptions. what I was looking for was ways to try and not let his behaviour have a negative influence on me, not my parenting being trashed by strangers who know FA about us and our circumstances. Sooooo mumsnet.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

Does he have a point about there being nothing in to eat? And nothing yesterday?

Or are there, in fact, several options but just not ones he fancies?

[Scabetty]

Beachfair ignore them. Always a perfect parent followed by an 'I agree'. Been on here on and off for 16 years so know the type.

[corythatwas]

I'd agree with giving him more of a say: what should you have in for breakfast, what is viable financially, who is responsible for getting it in. Trying to think as a team- just separating his life from yours seems a lonely way to go for a teenager, even more so if he is also (quite probably) worried about your illness. And humour, as often as you can manage it.

[Squeegle]

There is always an abundance of all sorts of food in my house; my DS always says "Why is there nothing to eat in this house ever!". Teens are just very self centred; anyone who thinks that they're not is living in another country. Give the OP some credence FGS

[TwitterQueen1]

I'm not making assumptions about you OP. I merely repeated what you have said yourself, that you are avoiding him and don't enjoy his company.

Don't post if you don't want ideas or suggestions. I'm simply making the point that maybe he would like some more attention from you.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

Is there a way you could spend more quality time together? Ds1 is 15 and I do enjoy him at this age, but in some ways he needs me as much (if not more) than when he was smaller. The negative atmosphere can't be great for either of you, so maybe it could take doing something different to get you out of a rut..

[LaughingElliot]

OP I feel your pain. My 14yo has been away for a few days and it was bliss. I picked her up from the station and she was in a strop before we eve got home. Teenagers are hideous.