Stop DD being friends?

[PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox]

I'm a single parent and sometimes doubt my decisions re DC, so I'm looking for advice!

DD is 13 and was friends with a girl at school. The friend is quite mature for her age and wears make up, has boyfriends etc, something DD doesnt do yet. I was always a bit wary as DD is very shy and naive and I think I was worried this friend would be a bad influence.

Anyway, half way through last term DD's friend stopped talking to her and became friends with someone else. All I heard was her friend was talking to someone else now. DD was quite upset by it.

DD and friend were due to go to a concert at the end of this year together (Xmas present from me) and DD had been talking about inviting someone else and I have to admit I was quite happy about it. But now her friend has texted her again. DD is really happy about it and now wants to stay over at friends house but I'm tempted to say no. I've tried to explain to her that friends don't drop you when they feel like it and pick you up again when the fancy takes them but she doesn't seem to mind.

What would you do?

[TealStar]

Well as a fellow parent of a 13 year old dd I sympathise. But this revolting fickle behaviour is sadly quite normal among 13 year old girls. I've given up controlling dd's friendships and instead have resigned myself to just being there with a listening ear and Kleenex, and advice when solicited.

It's a grim time, but they do have to learn by their own mistakes, and as I have said to dd, the sooner you can suss out who the arse holes no gooders in life, the quicker you will be able to avoid them in future.

[BossyBitch]

Let her figure it out by herself, quite simply!

Your teens are when you get your heart broken - not just by boys but also by your so-called (and sometimes your real) friends. It's an experience we all have to make and we grow and learn as people from it.

In my work I often mentor a bunch of our annual graduate scheme intake, and I'm not really sure how much overprotective parenting is really helping kids in the long run. I'm seeing more and more young adults that seem incredibly, well, young for their age, graduates who've never really had to deal with criticism, rejection and disappointment. It often makes my job more that of a substitute parent than a manager. It's often heartbreaking to see the young people I mentor realise for the very first time that they can be rejected, fall short of expectations and fail to be regarded as special. I'd much rather they made these experiences gently supported by their real friends and family than at the work place where, much as I care for them, they won't be given the same amount of support and validation.

So, in a nutshell: don't intervene. Let her make her own mistakes. It might be the friendship of a lifetime or the biggest non-romantic heartbreak of her teens, but she'll learn to make her own choices and live with the consequences.

[PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox]

Thanks Teal, I think I'll use the arse holes comment, I like it!

[PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox]

Thanks Bossy.

I just had a word with her and told her it was up to her who she was friends but gave her a warning about arse holes! (Thanks Teal!)

[Rainybo]

I agree with previous posters, and one I like to use with my DD (who is slightly younger but had a tricky Y6) is that friendship is about feeling you can be yourself with that person, not about pleasing them or changing yourself to fit in. I'm hoping this will carry forward to future romantic relationships.

[PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox]

Rainybo that's so true and something I try and tell them all the time. I'm so glad I'm not a teen anymore!

[TealStar]

Pleasure Op

I hope it all works out well. As parents I think we all need a hand hold too through this stage

[TealStar]

Rainybo that is so true, and funnily enough dd1 has started to realise this only recently.

I reiterate time and again that true friendships are like gold dust. You will always feel accepted by true friends.

[FuzzyOwl]

I would let her stay over her friend's house and see how things go. The end of the year is a long way away in terms of teenage friendships and she might well choose to invite somebody else anyway by then.

[GreenTulips]

DD is ina similar position

I think they sometimes 'forget' existing friendships in favour of new ones, but not set out to hurt them. They are after all self absorbed.

I remind my kids of this as much as the arse holes scenario

[PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox]

Thanks for all the replies (and the hand hold).

My other 2 DC are boys and I never had this trouble with them, DD is a lot different! Live and learn...