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Teenagers

Parent or teens decision?

21 replies

ksherr2012 · 18/08/2017 19:28

A bit of back ground first.
We used to live on quite a rough council estate but got an exchange to a nicer area 3 years ago.
Before we moved my eldest was at the local upper school and had just finished year 8. He was doing well in school and had a good group of friends so I allowed him to stay at the school as it was unlikely he would get a space at the new local (most over-subscribed school in the city)

All well until year 11. He started going downhill at school, in with the wrong crowd now, he started coming in late or not at all. Endless list of, I guess, usual teen behaviour but not great, still.

So he has know for a while I want him to move schools for 6th form to our local school as they have to take a minimum of 50 new students so the opportunity is there. My dd goes there now. It's in walking distance, better school and I'm not gonna lie I want him away from the estate. I'm kicking myself for not moving him earlier but he was doing so well!
We discussed it again today and he basically refused to go. He is 16 so I get he needs to have an input but also I just know staying at the school he's at now is not the right thing for him to do.
EVERYONE is telling me to move him, get him out of there. I feel it too.
One of the lads from his school/the area has just been charged with murder, same age as ds. He was a friend of ds. I have to get him out of there right?
He tells me it's not my decision. But I will make him if I have to. I'm so torn! I want the best for him but want him to be happy too :(

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lljkk · 18/08/2017 19:32

He's bigger than you (I'll wager). You can't just make him.
Why does he think current school would be better?
I'd insist he had to look around at 6th form of new school.
Get him to talk about his reasons for each school.
You won't be successful unless he thinks it's his idea to go for the school.

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user9512736123 · 18/08/2017 19:36

How are you going to make him? I think you are setting him up for failure if you insist he goes to the 6th form of your choice - he's nearly an adult and he can make his own mind up, I know it might not be what you want but he is the one who has to go there.

It's better that he goes to the school that he wants and actually goes and does the work and exams than goes to the one you want and never goes and so flunks his exams.

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user9512736123 · 18/08/2017 19:36

How are you going to make him? I think you are setting him up for failure if you insist he goes to the 6th form of your choice - he's nearly an adult and he can make his own mind up, I know it might not be what you want but he is the one who has to go there.

It's better that he goes to the school that he wants and actually goes and does the work and exams than goes to the one you want and never goes and so flunks his exams.

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ksherr2012 · 18/08/2017 19:47

He's looked at the 6th form I want him to go to but never with the intention of going there, just because we agreed we would look at all the schools available.
His only reason for wanting to go the current school is 'my friends are there'.

I've gone through the pros and cons with him he just says I don't care at everything.

When I say I'll make him I mean I'll tell him it's not his decision and he has to go.

He's not been doing the work at his current school for the last year so he's given me no reason to believe he's going to start now!

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lljkk · 18/08/2017 19:50

Well, if you can make him go easily where you want, then why wouldn't you, given the unpleasant friend influence.

Different if you foresee a battle.

I don't know why different school would magically give him a work ethic. But maybe that makes sense to you.

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Allthebestnamesareused · 18/08/2017 19:50

If he hasn't been doing the work then will he actually meet any 6th Form entry criteria?

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imokit · 18/08/2017 20:00

And if he just doesn't go? Or if he walks out the house saying he's going to school but just doesn't show up there?
How are you going to enforce making him if he flat out refuses to do as you say?

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ksherr2012 · 18/08/2017 20:05

I don't think it's going to magically do anything but I do think a new environment and new teachers will give him a kick up the arse to not mess about in class with his mates.
It's closer so won't cost me £300 a year in bus fare and he can meet new people that live closer to us.
To me it's a no brainer but I don't want to make him unhappy either

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ksherr2012 · 18/08/2017 20:09

those things are all possible and yes he might not even get it. We will find out on Thursday.

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rider1975 · 18/08/2017 20:13

I went to a very small all girls school from 11-16 and at age 16 had cabin fever and was desperate for a change of air. My parents fought me on it but I did what I wanted and registered myself at the local college. My parents then refused to pay for anything unless I stayed at the other school (clothes/pocket money - not food/house). It made no odds to me - I moved and went from an overachiever to an underachiever at college with bad A level results. However, it gave me the kick up the backside I needed and I never failed again. I went on to move out of the parental home tho when I was 18.

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FrenchRoast · 19/08/2017 08:14

Sometimes removing a teen from a disruptive influence can give them the little push they need to turn their thinking around but I think your teen needs to want that removal - trying to force it could make things much worse, you could lose whatever string of influence you are still clinging onto. Have you asked him what he wants for his future - ask him some question regarding his future and allow them to go unanswered, certainly don't add any commentary, you need to try to get him to mull it over, reach the conclusion that his new school is his best shot at a bright future....but with the contrary nature of a lot of teens going on at him and trying to force him won't speed this thinking on.

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user9512736123 · 19/08/2017 08:58

If he hadn't done the work at his current school where he wants to be then is there any point in him going anywhere ?

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newdaylight · 19/08/2017 09:07

Tell him that your decision is he should go to the school nearby but ultimately it's his call. He can stay at the old school if he is sure that's what he wants to do, but he'll have to pay the £300 additional travel cost

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CancellyMcChequeface · 19/08/2017 09:23

You can tell him what you think is best, but ultimately it should be his decision. I'd want him to move school in your situation too, but he's old enough that you can't (and shouldn't!) unilaterally 'make him.' He's going to have to take responsibility for his own studies and is less likely to do well at a place he has been forced/coerced to attend, even if it's an objectively better school.

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LML83 · 19/08/2017 10:48

If you can make him move I would. Only worry would be I couldn't get him to go. But if he doesn't go/try already then you have nothing to loose.

Must be so hard, can understand why u let him stay initially but the situation has changed.

Even if his education suffers initially getting him away from those friends would be my priority. He can do exams etc at college later if need be.

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LML83 · 19/08/2017 10:48

If you can make him move I would. Only worry would be I couldn't get him to go. But if he doesn't go/try already then you have nothing to loose.

Must be so hard, can understand why u let him stay initially but the situation has changed.

Even if his education suffers initially getting him away from those friends would be my priority. He can do exams etc at college later if need be.

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chocolateworshipper · 20/08/2017 22:46

He can stay at the old school if he is sure that's what he wants to do, but he'll have to pay the £300 additional travel cost

I think this is a great idea

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FrenchRoast · 21/08/2017 07:41

Maybe if you insist he pays for school travel he'll refuse to go to school completely!

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ksherr2012 · 21/08/2017 07:50

Thanks, some good ideas!

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ksherr2012 · 21/08/2017 07:55

User....he did 3 GCSEs early in year 10 got an A*, B & C I'm not giving up on him yet 😂
I said he went down hill at school in year 11 where he was dropped from the top sets etc. He has attended everyday. My point is that hanging around with this group of lads has made him change and not have a care in the world.

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ifonly4 · 21/08/2017 10:24

He obviously wants more for himself if he wants to continue at Sixth Form presumably doing A levels. Is there much difference in A level results between both schools? If the one you prefer is better, it might also be worth having one last gentle chat pointing out to him if his results aren't quite what he hopes for on Thursday, then perhaps a different school with better results will give him the best chance of the best results next time round.

The problem you have (and I guess you know it), that's he'll get his results on Thursday and walk straight into Sixth form to accept his place. If this happens, hopefully they'll be taking in pupils from other schools so he might meet a new crowd. If his present mates mess around, some of them may not want to stay on and do A levels, so hopefully that'll help as well.

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