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concerned about dd14 friendship with girl

(37 Posts)
ohhereweareagain Thu 17-Aug-17 09:13:29

dd 14 is friends with a girl who is very nice, known her a long time. What is concerning me is this girl likes to go out in clothes that i think are inapropriate (bra tops, literally a bra & perhaps a jacket). Apparently according to dd her and another girl they sometimes hang out with all (in a nice way) jokingly tease their friend asking her why she likes to dress like that. The girl goes out dressed like this without the mother knowing as she takes the ie jumper off once out of the door, this girl is 13 btw, nearly a year younger. Ordinarily i wouldn't really be bothered but dd has asked if she can go to a shopping centre in a rougher part of london. The thought of her hanging out/walking around the shopping centre with her friend who will certainly have a 'bra' top on is really bothering me as i am concerned about the vibes it may give out and the unwanted attention from the many young male gang types that hang around this particular shopping centre. dd doesn't dress like this (basic stuff ie leggings trainers and a t shirt) but she will get caught up in any possible attention. I am generally not a judgemental type re appearance however this is bothering me. I feel there is nothing i can do ie i don't want dd to stop being friends with the girl nor do i have any intention of talking to her mother, i am just worried sad. I live in a rough part of london and work in a rough part of west london and outside of the gym can't say i see young teens walking around dressed like this. On the other end of the spectrum dd's other friends dress in a very conservative way grin, dd is somewhere in the middle

ssd Thu 17-Aug-17 09:19:10

I'd let her go and go myself and follow them from a very discreet distance, but I'm a bit mad that way.

crazyhorses3 Thu 17-Aug-17 09:19:36

Hmm... I get where you are coming from. It's a tricky one. Personally I would feel at 13/14 your daughter and her friend are too young to be going out on their own to a rough area of London shopping. Is it possible you could go with them? I would talk to your daughter and say you are a bit concerned about the vibes her friend is giving off with what she is wearing. If your daughter says something to her friend it will go down better than if you interfere . This may just be a phase your daughter's friend is going through. I would go with them and maybe take them out for a coffee/cake. I certainly wouldn't have let my daughter go off on her own with a friend shopping in London at that age, but perhaps I was too over protective.

Bonelessbanquet Thu 17-Aug-17 09:21:25

Do you mean a crop top? Or a bra?

LadyinCement Thu 17-Aug-17 09:23:07

I have a dd this age and it is difficult!

I think I would ban the trip to the "rough" mall. You can't do anything about what the friend chooses to wear, but you can take charge of where your dd goes, and if you think this is the sort of place where girls might get unwelcome (or welcome - I was that age once!) attention then just say no. You don't need to say why exactly, just say that you're worried about general safety, eg pickpockets/mugging of phones.

GreenTulips Thu 17-Aug-17 09:24:40

Loads of girls were the cropped tops here - it's just the current fashion, it will pass.

Do you have snapchat? You can follow them on the snapmaps part so you know where they are.

Is there a reason they want to shop in this part of town? Can you suggest X has better shops?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Thu 17-Aug-17 09:38:03

Short term I'd nix the trip too. Long term, do you think she's dressing like this because she is the youngest and is trying to "catch up"? Does she look up to your dd? Maybe she could spend some time with her and "do clothes" -have a day where they can try different looks. And, it sounds like they have a good relationship where they can be honest with each other-let your dd be her mentor.(I do think is outrageous though that females in this century have to censor their clothes because of male entitlement-a wee part of me thinks "you go girl". Realistically you want them to be safe)

ohhereweareagain Thu 17-Aug-17 09:55:26

thanks for responses. bone a bra, not a crop top. i don't think this girl looks up to dd tbh. i also think she is too young to go there with a friend although this is made harder because it would appear that aside from one close batch of school friends whose parents wouldn't let them go alone (who she rarely sadly sees outside of school) all other acquaintances seem to have parents across the board who let their kids go to this shopping centre alone and some have done so since their dds were 12/13 confused

crazyhorses3 Thu 17-Aug-17 10:27:58

What the Fuckery - is it really about women censoring their clothes because of men or just because it's bad taste to wear underwear in public? It a man went out in his underpants to a shopping mall would that be okay? It's about basic human decency. I have this argument with my daughter who can't see why it's wrong for young women to come spilling out of clubs looking half dressed and completely pissed? Oh God, I'm going to get shot down now aren't I?

ohhereweareagain Thu 17-Aug-17 10:47:20

from my pov it's EVERYTHING about my dd being safe. I am not a prude and had a pretty mad teenage time/20s but feel growing up now in ie london is very different to when it was and whilst i think women should be able to wear what the fuck they want you have to keep yourself safe and be realistic of what is going on around you. i used to wear pretty average clothing during the day but would 'break free' if i went clubbing in the evening which is different in my view. i think there is a different view point sexually towards (young) women by a lot of boys these day for varying reasons ie easier access to porn due to internet/mobile phones not to mention the way a lot of female musical artists dress/gyrate on stage. btw men in underpants is totally different as they are stronger/can physically look after themselves and are less likely to be sexually attacked by (most...) females. for the sake of sounding old, i don't remember their being so much emphasis fashion wise on looking having so much breast on display etc. I remember i had a kathrine hammnett bra top and fringe knicker things i used to wear BUT i was going clubbing. certainly wouldn't have worn them to go round waitrose grin

bengalcat Thu 17-Aug-17 10:59:09

Where's this rough part of town shopping centre ? Westfield Stratford ?

ohhereweareagain Thu 17-Aug-17 11:25:42

yes..oddly enough not long ago dd & i got caught up in what was a near riot there. police all over the place. gangs of girls screaming at the police, a few being man handled. i also got sexually assaulted (different time) when on the escalator (bloke behind rubbed my vagina, i had a loose fitting skirt on) but that is another story which i don't want to get into

GreenTulips Thu 17-Aug-17 13:55:04

We need to hear about that one!

Your DD your rules - if you don't want her to go say no, you don't have to mention the other girl or her outfits

Your daughter will work this out herself (does your DD take her jumper off as well? Just a thought)

ohhereweareagain Thu 17-Aug-17 15:18:06

i don't think so green but you never know. then again, she doesn't own a bra top thing. i wasn't the best behaved teenager so i feel a little fake being stricter with her but she is very different person compared to how i was at that age.

GreenTulips Thu 17-Aug-17 15:26:35

Yes - I have 14 year old, what with social media and dick pics it's a very different story.

Bonelessbanquet Thu 17-Aug-17 15:30:07

So is it the bralet vests? I don't understand what a bra top is

GreenTulips Thu 17-Aug-17 15:39:22

I'd guess at these with a green bomber jacket, very trough jeans and white trainers -

GreenTulips Thu 17-Aug-17 15:42:06

Current 'trend'

MikeUniformMike Thu 17-Aug-17 15:46:10

But GreenTulips, those are tops. Skimpy ones but still tops. The 13yr old is going out in just her bra.

Puffpaw Thu 17-Aug-17 15:47:16

What are trough jeans?

Intothenestofvipers Thu 17-Aug-17 15:50:06

I'd also nix the shopping trip OP. I can't stand Westfield Stratford and would be worried about a 14 year old going on a shopping trip there, regardless of what she was wearing. My DH has to pass through Stratford station on his way to Canary Wharf twice a day and there is always trouble there.

Bonelessbanquet Thu 17-Aug-17 15:53:55

If they are those tops I don't see the problem, obviously they aren't to my taste but, I can see why teenagers would like them.

I'm certain your DDs friend has numerous lovely qualities about her, regardless of her clothing choice. They are young and finding out who they are and how they want too stand out.

ohhereweareagain Thu 17-Aug-17 16:57:35

dds friend is very nice (i did state this in my first op). I get the trying to stand out as i was a young female teen once, a rather 'adventurous' one too however things are tougher out there, especially where we live and i worry that it could a/reflect on dd if she is hanging out in less secure places with a pretty girl with more provocative clothing and b/it could certainly unintensionally encourage some undesirable male attention be it young or old. fwiw the pictures above, they are positively conservative in comparison as they are TOPS. dd's friend wears a BRA , the sort one might (if daring) wear in the gym (it literally just covers the breast, it doesn't hang down lower at all over the stomach). i have let dd go once before to westfield without me, she was with 3 friends, non of which were this girl who is rather immature. I have compromised and said i will let her go IF she goes with at least three friends, one of which i have to have a higher regard of (when it comes to maturity) than the girl in question. boneless fwiw the girl in question is actually lovely but she is very scatty and gets into all sorts of scrapes and has a few times got dd caught up in them (not going in to as not necessary) which is one of the reasons i worry about the two of them going off to somewhere like westfield which is a tube journey away and i would worry if anything happened. The overly exposed choice of dress (she is still 13) for me is the nail in the coffin lid. She is welcome in our house and dd can hang with her out locally although still don't like the top thing, i think it is indecent tbh and i do find it offensive

Bonelessbanquet Thu 17-Aug-17 17:14:07

But then surely your OP should be titled as ' aibu to not let DD go to a shopping centre with friends'

If there is going to be trouble, there will be regardless of their clothing choices.

ohhereweareagain Thu 17-Aug-17 18:06:14

oh ffs, i made a point of posting this post in BRINGING UP TEENAGERS section of MN, not the fucking AIBU section so no, i shouldn't have made the title what you suggested ffs. i don't think i am being unreasonable feeling the way i do. i was specifically posting here to see if there were any like minded parents which there apparently are smile who felt similar bringing up a girl of similar age. i also don't agree with you re there being trouble regardless of how one is dressed. If a young girl is dressed provocatively she is more likely to attract the attention of a complete twat when walking past him in the street than she might if she had regular jeans and t shirt on. adults can dress as provocatively as they like but i think a 13 year old should be protected & given boundaries. bone why don't you hop on over to AIBU. You obviously get a kick out of being confrontational and spend a fair bit of time over there which would suit you just fine, good way to get rid of ones angst smile

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