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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

I"be caught my ds and his gf talking about having sex!

42 replies

Tjay1972 · 16/08/2017 11:40

Hi everyone,
This is my first post for years...so here goes!
I've seen texts between my 13 year old son and his gf talking about them masturbating and how they are planning on having sex once she's off her period.
I'm currently in Taiwan (helping my sister as she's just given birth) so my husband, son and I Skyped each other and we told him that we knew!
We've given him the disappointed parent talk and also the "it"s illegal talk."
My husband has banned her from the house until I return next Tuesday and is taking my son to work with him for the rest of this week.

I initially said we would go and see her parents but I know the girl and her mum totally clash and I don't want to make it worse for her.

My thought is for me to talk to the two of them together when I get back....what else could I do?

Thanks

OP posts:

Report

GreenTulips · 16/08/2017 11:44

Oh dear

Word of warning - some local kids recently filmed a couple of 13 year olds and it went therough the school like wildness fire

Check their phones for pics etc it can cause huge damage

I'd talk to them first and gauge the girls reaction - it they think they are old enough for sex they are old enough to have a grown up conversation

HeartburnCentral · 16/08/2017 11:52

You should let the girl's parents know whether they clash or not. As you are aware it is illegal whether they are consenting or not. They are children and as the adult you have a responsibility to protect them. What would happen if she got pregnant? The parents could demand your son be prosecuted for statutory rape.

AngeloftheSouth84 · 17/08/2017 20:41

The parents could demand your son be prosecuted for statutory rape.
There is no such offence of statutory rape in the UK, and in the event of anything happening the female will be just as guilty as the male.

OoohMavis · 17/08/2017 20:43

I'd tell the girl's parents because otherwise they are flying blind - if you suspect they're abusive or v odd, report to SS but otherwise, they need to know.

HeartburnCentral · 18/08/2017 00:45

Angel wasn't there a thread last week about this happening to a poster's son who was 13. The police came around to the house and some weirdo was threatening her ds on social media.
It doesn't really matter anyway, he is a child so op needs to protect her ds.

bengalcat · 18/08/2017 08:30

I think your husbands reaction is sensible banning her from the house and keeping your son occupied until you return . In the light of what you know/ perceive to be the girls relationship with her mother/parents follow your heart as to the likely fallout . Bear in mind as far as you know nothing has happened yet .

Tjay1972 · 18/08/2017 08:54

I Skyped my son with my husband present. We spoke to him about all the possible consequences.
He has promised me that they haven't gone all the way yet.
Hubby is allowing her round on Sunday when he is in but they are only allowed in the front room with the door open.
Hubby is out playing cricket on Saturday so the boy will go with him.
I will speak to them both when I return which my son is happy with. (I am able to speak to his gf better than her mum can.)
I messaged my son and told him that I love him and that I wasn't mad at him, just that I was glad that I found out when I did. He sent me a message saying thank you for being a good mum and for stopping them from doing something stupid! I've told him that I won't tell her mum at present but if anything even small like this happens again then I will speak to her!

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 18/08/2017 09:01

These kids are under a lot of pressure from peers to 'do it' but to them its just a circus and not 'real life'

Unfortunately a 13 year old here DTD (possibly and he told and she denied) Which we could've bluffed year ago, but then he spread the messages and pics etc.

Typical reaction of he's the 'man' she's a 'slut' and she was bullied out of school. She moved after months of torture. He stood by and did nothing except join in.

This is why these kids aren't ready for sex, no emotional maturity to see the bigger picture.

I'm not saying your son is like this, but if he tells one friend who tells 2 and it's out of his control! Especially if he used social media.

He's not old enough for sex, or the consequences of that action.

You may have don't them both a favour and will be thankful you've taken the choice away.

Good luck

Tjay1972 · 18/08/2017 09:32

Yes I agree Greentulips....they are far too young emotionally to deal with sex. We said that also...and that it isn't the be all and end all even if your body is telling you otherwise!!
I'd hate for them to be the "talk" of the school.
I had the talk about taking and sending photos too (this was before) I shall remember and tell them again!!

OP posts:

OoohMavis · 18/08/2017 09:38

i'm not sure i quite get why you won't tell the girl's mum. Your DS didn't tell you, you found out, but all of a sudden you trust them - i'd like to know why you think you're better placed to talk to the girl than the girl's mum because it seems to me as though you should tell someone else impartial involved with the girl.

What if the girl finds another boy and goes ahead? I'd feel guilty about that.

OoohMavis · 18/08/2017 09:39

as much as anything else, clearly your DS and the girl need some intensive emotional support - the girl isn't going to get it from you, there's obviously something wrong there.

I do feel quite strongly that someone involved with the girl in question should know about this. School, SS, parent, whatever.

BackieJerkhart · 18/08/2017 09:44

How did you see the texts if you are in Taiwan?

Tjay1972 · 18/08/2017 10:01

I'm not saying I trust him but I do worry that the girls mum will seriously take it out on her daughter if I say anything. I will speak to them both when I get back on Tuesday and go from there. There are rules to them being together now too.

OP posts:

Tjay1972 · 18/08/2017 10:02

I saw the texts as my iPhone and my sons are linked so if I put that I want all my devices linked I somehow get his texts...it hasn't happened for ages and I don't really know why it has started again.

OP posts:

RainaBaina · 18/08/2017 10:05

Your 13 year old son texted you to thank you for being a good mum and stopping him from doing something stupid?

Really?

Really?????????

Peanutbuttercheese · 18/08/2017 10:09

He has banned her but then allows her round in Sunday, never ever give out contradictory orders, advice telling offs. You decide on a course of action like that you follow it through.

Tjay1972 · 18/08/2017 10:12

Yes Rainabaina do you want to see the texts if you don't believe me!?!?

OP posts:

BackieJerkhart · 18/08/2017 10:14

If he said that he was smirking when he typed it

Tjay1972 · 18/08/2017 10:15

Peanut butter cheese hubby said she wasn't allowed round until we had spoke to him...we have and I have said I still want to speak to them both. He said he would have a talk with them Sunday and put some ground rules down.

Someone else said have a word with someone else who knows the girl...I worry about her mum losing the plot with her and banning them from seeing each other and driving them underground...maybe a word with their head of year or safeguarding lead at school? I don't know. A part of me thinks her mum should know but then again....

OP posts:

Tjay1972 · 18/08/2017 10:17

Backiejerkheart....oh you know my son really well do you!? We talk about so much not just dish out punishments...that certainly doesn't help!

OP posts:

EnglandKeepMyBones · 18/08/2017 10:17

Her mother should know. You are not her parent and it is not your place to judge their relationship. Frankly, if someone decided to withhold information like that from me, when it was my daughter involved, I would go through the roof.

GreenTulips · 18/08/2017 10:21

If you aren't aware then you don't have that relationship

I would go through the roof which is why people with hold information

Some parents go overboard

They were caught talking about it - not doing it

Sometimes another parent can make more sense

OP you can judge the situation as you see fit - if you speak to your son and prevent underage sex then you've sorted the situation

If the girl moves on - then it's not on your control anyway

Do what you think is best

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BackieJerkhart · 18/08/2017 10:31

Backiejerkheart....oh you know my son really well do you!? We talk about so much not just dish out punishments...that certainly doesn't help!

where did I say anything about punishments?

Tjay1972 · 18/08/2017 10:32

You didn't just came back with a sarcastic unhelpful remark...Thanks

OP posts:

BackieJerkhart · 18/08/2017 10:42

It wasn't sarcasm! I was serious.

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