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17 year old daughter meeting birth dad

(4 Posts)
OhSoVintage Thu 03-Aug-17 02:39:35

I was pregnant at just 17 but the point I found out I had already split with my ex.
I was in love with him but I couldn't cope with him, he was controlling and abusive. I lost all my friends, my confidence and self esteem. I was left alone, scared and pregnant.
My mother was quite controlling and took charge of the situation which made it impossible to think and make actions for myself whilst under her roof.

I left home at 19, 4 hours drive away to live with my new boyfriend and get away from everything.

My ex has never shown any interest, never paid s penny of mantanance. My now husband adopted my daughter at age 6 as we wanted him to have the same rights over her as he did my youngest, the same fathers name on the birth certificate so that she felt secure and no different from her sister.

I've always been honest with my eldest, it's never been out of sight out of mind. I've always made sure she knew she was adopted.

She's now 17 and our marriage has been struggling for a couple of years. I think this has triggered my daughter to look for her identity and has contacted her birth dad on social media and arranged to meet.

I've tried not to be but I'm devistated. Telling my daughter it's fine and I understand but inside I'm a complete wreck! I can't sleep, I can't eat and my minds constantly racing it's literally turned my whole world upside down.

All those feelings I had at 17 and at 35 I'm right back there! It's not logical and I feel like I'm going insane.

I'm scared he will let her down but then I'm also scared he will be supportive and I will have to face him. So many confused feelings.

I'm starting to wonder if meeting him myself will help to get some answers and just to put some of my anxiety to bed. I can't cope with the thought of just seeing him on my daughter graduation or something and it ruining those special life events, maybe I'm best to get it out now or perhaps it's best to let it play out first.

My husband is her dad and has never felt any different, do he has feelings of hurt and rejection. I just don't know how I'm feeling, I'm so up and down.

Has anyone been through this that can offer any advice?

OP’s posts: |
Starfairylights Thu 03-Aug-17 02:58:07

It must be hard, but she has a right to know her birth father if she chooses.

I guess you have to let her make her own opinion on it ,based on what you have told her and what she finds out.

Your husband sounds like a great parent but he isn't her biologically father & he may be hurt, but it's understandable to want to know the other half of who her DNA belongs to.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this and for how you are feeling. I can't understand how you must feel. All you can do is try support your daughter as much as you can. Good luck to the both of youflowers

Temporary2002 Thu 03-Aug-17 03:17:53

It is natural for your dd to wonder about her biological dad, and not a bad reflection on her love for you or her adoptive dad. As far as you having to meet him at some special occasion, for instance, her graduation, you need not sit with or even speak with him. As her parents you and your dh need to show a strong and supportive unit and do not let any of your dh's insecurities be known to her. She should not have to feel guilty for totally natural feelings. Plaster a loving understanding smile on your face through gritted teeth and be there for her in case her bio dad lets her down.

OhSoVintage Thu 03-Aug-17 08:01:15

Of course we are there to support her and I haven't told her how I feel nore have I told her about any abuse I endured.
I've asked her questions and allowed her to tell me about her sisters and what kind of things he's interested in whilst she is excited and I have smiled and been happy with her!

Same with my husband. We know it's natural and we completely understand where she is coming from.

BUT that doesn't change the fact I'm struggling and don't know how to cope. My feelings are a mess and I don't know what to do with myself. I've gone from a happy me to thinking of taking anti depressants.

Yes if he comes to life events I don't have to talk to him. But I won't be able to control my anxiety around it, he was my abuser many years ago and it will have an impact on me.

Which is why I'm wondering if I should get the meeting part out the way. If he's changed (he may well of done I'm remembering the teenage version) I will see and be less worried for my daughter and be more relaxed. I don't want to be an anxious reck at life events. I want to be over it and show a united front.

But if I do and it doesn't go to plan then it will make my anxiety around the situation worse.

It's all very well saying let her get on with it, but that is what I'm doing. But when there was abuse and fear involved it does change things.

As I am scared for her and I want to know he is genuine. I want to know I've done the right thing in not telling her that and that in letting her make up her own mind, she is safe!

My reassurance is that he now has two other children and he's not with the mothers (different mothers) but he sees them regularly, so he can't be a danger to them I wouldn't have thought.

OP’s posts: |

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