18 year old son quite happy gaming his life away and not going out or looking for job

[islegal]

He does not seem to want to engage in the real world, apparently he's in the top 200 in some Minecraft game. His 6th gear at school was a disaster as he could not help himself gaming and did no work. He's been out of school for one year now and only applies for jobs when pressured. A great modern apprentice job at an outdoor centre came up, he does enjoy the outdoors a lot when he gets out there, he had an interview today and failed to turn up. Am so so disappointed, know that we pressured him to apply but also know that if he moved out of his comfort zone and went for it he could be a new young man before too long, he spent the day in bed as usual. He really is a lovely boy, am crying now. Very upset, so galling. What can I do?

[titchy]

Turned your router off for goodness sake.

[ZiggyForever]

Yep, tough love, OP. He needs to understand that he's an adult now.

[Copperspot]

Well it sounds like he is addicted to his game for a start. When he's in bed is he gaming or sleeping? Do you think there may be signs of depression? Or is he just being a lazy sod?

Maybe focus on actually getting him participating in life before focusing on the job. Doing his bit around the house / food shopping / cooking and seeing friends.

How would he react to an ultimatum? "You're an adult now so you get a job and pay your way" etc.

My mum did that with my brother when he was 17 (20 years ago). Basically said not pc " we are not a family of dossers, if thats what you want to be then you get a council flat and get on the dole"

He had a full time job within a month and is very successful now. He was basically nervous as he didnt know what he wanted to do and had no direction. Could that be the case?

[Copperspot]

Forgot to ask, has he had part time jobs before?

I know its harder to get jobs nowadays but even if he only did a few nights a week in a bar / stacked shelves in asda he would at least have some independence and his iwn money.

Please don't say you give him money for sitting on his arse.....

[Therealslimshady1]

Well, he will have to do.something else: study/ apprenticeship/ job

He can't just stay with you, use your wifi/food/washing machine/ and not have a plan.

Do you shop/cook/wash for him? I hope not?

Tough love needed? Can you do that?

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

You aren't doing him a kindness, sadly.

Don't be upset, channel your emotion into strength and create an ultimatum. Tell him you will be renting out his room from 1st September. He is welcome to apply if he wants, and the rent will be (x insert market price).
At the moment he has no reason to apply for a job because he is perfectly comfortable where he is.
A woman I used to work with has her 27 year old son still loafing around the house paying about £10 a week and all food and bills paid etc for him. He does a few hours a week at a local shop (about 8 hours a week) and the rest of the time he does gaming.
I don't say it to her, but I do partially blame her, she can't bear to tell him to get a full time job and start supporting himself.

Don't be her.

[WannaBeDelgadaToFitInToMyPrada]

Yes, you're going to have to turn off the internet. I do it sometimes and it punishes me too, but I have to bear it.

[NullaG]

I'm so sorry, I have a 13 yr old I worry about being the same in a few years' time.
When I think back to my own adolescence I was conveyer-belted by an academic school to university and independence. Otherwise I would have been happy to stay slightly anxious and introverted at home, reading my books. I'm so glad I was moved along. I'm not sure if my son's school will have the same effect.
Is there no chance your son will re-engage with education & a chance to move away to university to get a chance to stand on his own two feet? Otherwise I think I would have to be insisting that he gets any job he can get for the experience - any job would hugely increase his maturity and social skills and hopefully open his eyes to the opportunities the world has to offer. He's an adult now, time to put the toys away (until after work and weekends).

[WeAllHaveWings]

Turn internet off during day and night so he's got evenings/weekends only, in bed at reasonable time and get him up before you leave for work.

Leave list of jobs to be done and get update on days job search/or plans to return to education or internet does not back on. Reduce mobile phone contract to minimum.

Don't threaten to throw him/rent room out unless you will follow through.

[wowbutter]

You need to be a mother.
Turn the damn router off, stop his phone contract and make him earn damn privileges. You are doing him no favours indulging this. Stop crying, and make a plan. Router off and locked away.

[MrsDoylesTeabags]

Hi Islegal I have a 17yo and I know it can be a huge transition going from school which is very regimented to further education which is very much down to the individual to succeed. A lot of teens struggle to find a good focus and become despondent about their future. Is he doing anything now? My DS dropped out of his college course but then we got him signed up for a traineeship. Most college's do them, he managed to get a placement with a good local company and is now partway through an apprenticeship and planning on going to university when it's completed. Back in December DH and I were despairing just like you, but he's like a different person now.
He's lucky to have parents who really care about him future and with some support, guidance and a bit of tough love I'm sure he will come good