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Is this a normal row?(92 Posts)
On holiday at the moment living in very close quarters and a big row erupted tonight between me, DH, DD1 and DD2.
Background is DD1(15) is quite easy usually, DD2 (13) seems to be at that age where you can't say hi her without her telling you how you've done it wrong/been stupid/irrelevant etc.
Anyway, only arrived yesterday and things have been a bit tense with only one bathroom - Dd3(11) and Dd4 (7)also with us- but today and this evening went really well, all had a laugh at dinner, played cards etc.
DH and I relaxed and had a couple of glasses of beer. Not too much at all but potentially enough to lessen our patience i suppose. Anyway we get back to the accommodation tonight and suddenly a huge row kicks off because DD1,DD2 and DH all need their phones charged for the morning and we only have two adapters on holiday with us. DH always runs first thing and needs his phone for music/gps then it became a debate about which of DD1 or DD2's phones should go on the other charger. I was shocked at the desperation they both felt to get their phones charged. They were shouting at each other and us about who was more in need of a charge. It all got very shouty and I dread to think what the (very close by) neighbours must think. Anyway, DH and I came back into room and DH called DD2 a b** and generally ranted about her attitude behaviour etc. Later she told me that she heard all this and is upset as is DD1 as she thinks we row more than other families and what is wrong with us etc etc. After I thought it had all settled down and DH and I are in bed I then hear a new row kickng off between the two of them with DD2 complaining that DD1's Kindle light was on too bright and DD1 refusing to lower it. At that point I had had enough bed and had a go at both of them particularly DD1 as I suppose I was just fuming that they would kick off again after what had just happened. Of course that set DD1 off crying actually it how we were not a normal family because we argued too much.
So I suppose my question is how bad are we? Are we normal or is it disfunctional to call your daughter names (albeit thinking you're out of earshot) and generally shout loudly in very close quarters at 11pm-ish
I can't decide for myself as some of my friends with teens seem to have similar rows and others always deal with things quietly and calmly.
Obviously I know my DH should never use a word like that about DD but when they have been incredibly entitled, rude, aggressive and generally unbearable imfor the last fee months/years then part of me can understand the frustration especially since he didn't say it to her but rather as a rant to himself with the door shut etc. Do other families of teens have horrible rows like this or is it really out of the norm/unacceptable?
They are grumpy because you don't get as much personal space on holiday as you do at home. And then when you also remove their access to private digital space (via their phones), they feel even more squeezed and suffocated. Buy a charger each, I would.
But to add to what I said above, "do as you would be done by" and lead by example. How would you react if your DH called you by that word, or if your Dd called your DH a dick? Just try to ramp it all down a notch.
The row in itself sounds normal enough to me. I can remember having similar rows with my brother at the same age, not about phones of course but me complaining his personal CD player was too loud, him moaning about my choice of music, only having room for a limited number of books on holiday and falling out about it. (We are really close now.)
But, I can't ever imagine my dad calling me a bitch, even out of earshot That would have really hurt my feelings.
This was how life was for us as kids. Now we're all adults, 50% of us actively avoid our parents. 25% puts minimal effort into their relationship with parents. 25% sees parents most weeks.
My best friends family had maybe once a year upsets, heated arguments but certainly no shouted or name calling. They still all go round for a big family lunch once a week.
I think your you shouldn't call your children names even out of ear shot. Your DH was in the wrong, least if he's going to call her names do it to her face. However your situation doesn't sound great, maybe more open communication is needed?
You can buy multi chargers saves arguments
DD14 and DD12 also argue - I don't be get involved unless it turns nasty
OP, if they can't sort out the charging order on their own, then no one charges until the next morning. You'll see how fast they learn to settle these disputes between the two of them. No one wants to get mum involved.
DH was wrong to call them names. I agree with poster above -- my dds would have felt very hurt.
Name calling is cruel, juvenile and not forgotten by the person called it.
Sounds like you need to plan things like having enough chargers, charging during the evening in advance to offset these potential hot spots.
I would disagree that your DH's phone takes priority tbh. Not creating conflict and resentments between your daughters should.
My teenagers get mad with each other from time to time, and sometimes dh and I don't manage the fall out very well. So that seems fairly normal to me. I'd expect mine to negotiate about things like chargers (and for them to be responsible to bring their own from home). They are a few years older though, and six in a relatively small holiday house does sound potentially hard to manage.
Thanks for all the answers, just to be clear, they have brought they're own chargers, it's just that me and DH only brought two of the foreign plug adapters. I can't sleep I'm so upset about the row and how we tend to blow up little rows into huge screaming matches. DH is going to have to apologise in the morning for the name calling. I'm mortified, my parents would never have called me anything bad.
You have just as big a problem with tech addiction! But my kids are young - what do I know, m aaybe this panic about chargers is normal with teenagers. I find it very depressing. on holiday and worrying about your chargers ffs.
technically, your husband doesn't NEED his phone charged, he could run without his phone. and going on holiday with just two adapters for 5 people, pretty badly thought out. but calling his daughter a bitch is just plain nasty.
Bitch is a nasty, misogynist word as well. DD2 is 13 and needs to know what nice men are like, what a healthy relationship with a man is and what language is acceptable. Even when she is a total pain in the arse.
Deal with the behaviour. Don't attack the child.
disagreements about who charges when, fairly normal, and easily resolved.
Actually, I think your DH should have been the first person to volunteer to miss out on phone charging that time, and set up a rota for the next nights.
There is no reason why they can't all charge their phones, you can use a multi way adapter, and/or a rota.
Its a non problem, really.
Screaming matches and name calling from adults. No, not normal at all. Maybe people could really lose it once every two or three years, in very extreme circumstances, but not this.
The name calling was out of order, did he apologise?
To be fair I remember being a hormonal nightmare at times in my early teens. Especially around that time of the month. My mum would ask if I was due on, she was obviously cruel and dismissive and didn't care about me etc etc then I'd come on and be even more annoyed because she'd been right.
For things like the charger issue we flip a coin and it's done.
The arguing doesn't sound great but this is just a tiny snippet of one single day. I literally said to another mum this morning that when my siblings and I were kids we would bicker a lot and my mum always overreacted in our eyes but now as a mother I understand how annoying it was. My brothers and I have awesome relationships and pretty much always have so for me I don't worry about little arguments between siblings. The most trivial things can be life or death when you're young, just try and remember how different your world and priorities can be at whatever age the child you're struggling with at the time is.
Good luck and have a lovely holiday op x
I do wonder how much " a couple of beers" actually means.
Not having enough plug adapters is a rookie error- they aren't expensive. But as soon as you realised you should have worked out a rota.
But for me the big deal here is a father calling his daughter a bitch. That could well be a deal breaker for me. Completely unacceptable, regardless of provocation.
Not normal in my world.
There is no name calling and no screaming matches. Sounds awful.
My lot would argue, sure, but in that scenario neither would have charged their phones.
Your poor DD. Hearing my father call me a bitch would have broken my heart.
I agree that neither should have been allowed to charge their phones after screaming at each other, but miles before it reached this point, a rota should have been organised, with DH missing out first. You certainly do not "NEED" a phone to go running, how silly.
I don't have teens, so can't comment on that.
But just agree with everyone else that the name calling is pretty terrible. Like Spare, I don't think I'd ever forget it, if my Dad had ever been that unkind to me. He never was. Quite the opposite.
It sounds like you're all responsible for silly arguments flaring up into huge, unnecessary rows. Not just you and DH.
Can you work out and agree, as a family, some strategies for diffusing the situation in future? Talk about it when you're all calm, and not as a result of a row?
You need to anticipate and manage resources. It doesn't take all night to charge a phone. Sort out who will charge theirs during dinner, and fgs ban them using them at times like dinner. So if one persons phone is charging during dinner, the other can't use phone,
They are teens, you need to anticipate, manage and adjudicate fairly. They have less ability to control their emotions than you adults.
It sounds as if the Dd's are prepared to talk about the family dynamic. This is actually v positive. Have a full calm talk about it. And yes, your DH needs to apologise and admit it was wrong.
Just try and be super calm ongoing, and buy another socket. Large supermarket will sell them. Or get girls own power packs?
It sounds pretty rubbish, particularly the name calling. I don't think it sounds like a healthy dynamic.
And two adaptors between 6 was never going to be enough! I take 3 when I travel alone!