My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DS15 in 'virtual' love?

18 replies

pinkpompoms · 20/07/2017 20:36

DS has just turned 15, this started about 4-5 mths ago. She is currently 14.

They met once, she was visiting a friend near to us (up North) she is from 'down South'. Since this meeting they have been FB friends and messaging.......constantly!

DS started enquiring about going down South over the summer holidays 'to meet his internet buddies', at the time I did not know it was a girl, so over my dead body, he got angry/tearful/but I love her etc

He has been caught a number of times in the early hours talking to her, she apparently has a number of medical / mental issues, one of them being anxiety and on,y his voice can soothe her in the middle of the night Hmm, he thinks he is the only one who can help her!

I confiscated his phone for a week a few weeks ago.........he was caught, again, the other night so has lost his phone, laptop etc until further notice and we have had serious words.

I've looked at the messages & I think he really does believe that he loves her, but she is so needy & pathetic & probably very vulnerable (I'm not sure what her parents think she's doing all night, but I'll bet it doesn't involve some of the convos I have read).

I want him to end it (I haven't said that yet but pretty sure he won't!)
I want to send her a message and tell her to back off & stop messaging him (bug I can't in case he hates me forever!)
We've tried to talk to him but it's in one ear & out the other!

Really don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 20/07/2017 20:46

I don't think that will work as you will be 'Romeo and Juliet'-ing their separation.

I was going to say get him to watch "catfish" (series one episode one is a good one) but he's met her in real life so it is not going to work.

I think I'd go the other way. Ask her to come to yours for a week. Arrange for his friends to come and meet her. Suggest places they can go together and hopefully he will see her as a wet blanket.

DD0314 · 20/07/2017 23:31

How frustrating! I wouldn't tell him to leave her, it'll make it more exciting. I definitely wouldn't message the girl either, he'll go nuts and I doubt she'll listen. Don't pay it too much attention. When he wants to see her treat it as if it were a friend. Same rules etc. I'd definitely explain what a big deal mental health is and that the only people who can help with her issues are professionals. "Relationships" don't last long at that age anyway so it could well fizzle out soon enough anyway.

TatterdemalionAspie · 20/07/2017 23:38

I don't understand why him wanting to see his girlfriend during the summer holidays would be 'over your dead body'? Confused

I understand why you don't want his sleep disrupted by him being on the phone/skype to her all night, but you seem to want to prevent them from being in contact at all. Why?

TatterdemalionAspie · 20/07/2017 23:41

Calling a teen with health /mental health issues needy and pathetic is pretty unpleasant, too. Hmm

thebigbluedustbin · 20/07/2017 23:44

Needy and pathetic? That's quite judgmental.

They have met so it's not like he doesn't know that she is who she says she is. Leave it alone, it will probably not last forever anyway.

corythatwas · 21/07/2017 08:11

First of all, not wanting your ds to wear himself out as his girlfriend's MH support is very, very understandable: it sounds like a burden he is not up to, and that he is too young to handle the situation. However, as others have said, you are never going to deal with it by turning them into Romeo and Juliet. What you need to do is make him feel you are on his side and only worried in case he gets hurt.

Secondly, the way you speak of this girl with MH issues is seriously unpleasant. "needy and pathetic"- would you say that if she had cancer and called him after chemo? Clinical anxiety is a real illness, it kills people. Even at 15 he knows that. If we are to have any hope of influencing our teens, we must present ourselves as good people, decent people- and then put the balanced view from there. First he needs to trust you, then you can start explaining that he needs to get her to access help where she is, from professionals who know what to do, and that he needs to look after his own MH. This needs to come from a place of concern for both of them rather than some feeling that he is misbehaving. If it was a friend of yours who was upset and ill, wouldn't you want to help. What he needs is not punishing for being a decent person, but guidance to understand what help this girl needs at the moment.

And referring to her as a virtual friend when they met in RL first is just a bit weird. She is not a hairy-handed trucker, just somebody he hasn't had a chance to get to know very well in RL.

coffeecoffee14 · 21/07/2017 10:06

Calling this girl needy and pathetic is very judgemental of you. I say this as a girl who is an anxiety sufferer (have been since 14).

Why exactly dont you want them to be together?

TatterdemalionAspie · 21/07/2017 10:38

The more I think about your OP, the more cross I feel, actually. Angry

You want to send her a message telling her to back off and stop messaging him? Why on earth would you contemplate such a thing? Confused Because she has health issues? Because she suffers from anxiety? Hmm Jesus, he hasn't learned his compassion from you, has he!

I would imagine he's not listening to you because he can see that you are determined to scupper his first relationship by confiscating his means of communication with his girlfriend and refusing to facilitate them seeing each other, for no good reason that I can see.

DD (14) has a really close friend. They've only met 3 times in the 3 years they've known each other, all the rest of the communication is online, mainly via skype. The girl has Aspergers, severe anxiety and severe misophonia, as well as some physical health conditions. DD told me a year or so ago that this girl had been feeling suicidal, and that she had stayed up late into the night talking to her on skype (DD was at her dad's, so I didn't know this at the time). We had some long conversations about how to support a friend in a mental health crisis, about boundaries and maintaining them, about supporting a friend but not taking on too much responsibility for someone else's state of mind, about when to share information with others (ie me, or even this girl's parents), about intervention vs trust, about the difficulty of knowing when someone is venting their feelings vs actual suicidal ideation, etc etc etc. The main thing, for me, was supporting DD to support her close friend, whom she loves dearly, and to teach her how to do that appropriately and safely.

Maybe I should have confiscated her means of communication with the girl, informed her that it's only a 'virtual' friendship and therefore not valid, and messaged the girl to leave my DD alone? Hmm

pinkpompoms · 21/07/2017 18:29

Maybe calling her needy & pathetic was a bit harsh, I too have suffered from anxiety for a lot of years on & off and I that is how I used to describe myself so projecting that onto her was wrong.

We have sat and discussed things, I understand his desire to help, I don't blame him for wanting to, they are friends but at 3am in the morning, if things are so bad, surely her family should be helping her & getting the help she needs to help herself......DS agrees this is what she needs.
He is borderline Asperger's so this has become his new obsession, at the cost of his friends & activities. He is tired, lethargic and I don't think emotionally mature enough to deal with this.
We have a 10pm curfew for all devices & on 3 occasions he has been caught talking to her at daft o'clock in the early hours (2-3am) so that is why he has lost his phone, he was warned it would happen if he could not use it responsibly and he made that choice.

He is also dealing with his own medical issues, currently under investigation for a number of serious conditions and the stress of dealing with someone else's emotional baggage will not be helping his situation.

OP posts:
TatterdemalionAspie · 21/07/2017 20:14
Hmm
gingergenius · 21/07/2017 20:17

My DS is going through similar. I keep checks from a distance, talk to him regularly, try to be supportive without prying, occasionally take his phone away if it's becoming all-consuming and hope that time and common sense will eventually prevail. It did with me and I was a nightmare at that age - and that was without gadgets!!!!

Floofborksnootandboop · 21/07/2017 21:13

Wow, a grown women calling a 14 year old pathetic Hmm

Northernparent68 · 22/07/2017 08:35

We need to concentrate on the contents in the thread not the op's wording, a 15 year old boy is nt mature enough to provide thie level of emotional support this girl needs. In any event why should he ? What's in this relationship for him ? I ve seen so many people base a relationship on helping some one only to be dumped suddenly and brutally,

misshelena · 24/07/2017 18:41

OP, I am sorry that people are giving you grief over your unfortunately wording. Just be a little less emotional when you are posting next time.
Anyway, back to your issue: how about telling ds to invite the girl over? Keep them in the living areas so you can see them. This way, you can meet her parents too and can take the opportunity to impress upon them that you are not in favor of advancing this long distance relationship.
And like another poster said -- treat it as you would any other relationship. Take down the temperature, don't use phrases like "over my dead body". In the meantime, explain to him what constitutes a "normal" relationship at his age. Explain what he is and isn't equipped to deal with at his age, like if the girl has mental health issues, she needs professional help. There is only so much he can do being a kid and being so far away.
Also is there a way for you to make him very busy in the next couple months? Definitely no phone or tablet at bedtime. He needs to sleep well.

pinkpompoms · 24/07/2017 21:39

I apologise for getting a bit over emotional, not quite sure how I'm supposed to deal with DS15 & his first 'love'......especially when she is not face-to-face but over the wifi!

I've had a good chat with him over the last few days and we have come to an agreement which might mean him earning his phone back.
We've talked a lot about her mecical situation (which is not good😥!) but he want's to be there for her so what can I do......I can't say no to that, just have to be here for him!
I'm just so sorry (& worried) that he his dealing with something like this at such a young age Sad

OP posts:
pinkpompoms · 24/07/2017 21:41

I would invite her over but she lives 200 miles away......that's why it all seems a bit futile! Sad

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 24/07/2017 21:44

I think you're getting a hard time.

This relationship isn't real (internet relationships never are - been there) and isn't healthy. It's very manipulative to lead him to believe that only the sound of his voice can soothe her in the night.

It will end in tears. Wish I had advice but sadly I don't.

pinkpompoms · 24/07/2017 21:59

HeyRoly I know it will end in tears......he is just 15 and like I said, they met once, for about 2 hrs.......& .she has lot of issues that he feels he can help her with (he can't!).
He is so emotionally immature, I don't feel he can cope with this, especially as her medical situation requires frequent hospitalisation but more so that she speaks about 'never coming back' Sad
He knows I'm here for him, just sad he is going through this

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.