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Teenagers

Any advice where I can go to to get help with 15 yr old DS who doesn't want to go to school.

8 replies

HelenLM · 18/07/2017 10:51

Hi there, I am getting close to my wits end . For the last 4 years my 15 yr old has been refusing to go to school. His attendance for this year is currently just above 50:%.

There are so many issues with him and I have exhausted all possible avenues that I am aware of to help him.

It started off with his father who I split up with 11 years ago basically taking his new girlfriends side when my DS was having any issues staying with them , which in turn made my DS not want to stay with them anymore , which led to his father's girlfriend basically making his father choose between her and their kids and our son , he choose her and their kids so my son has not seen his father for nearly 3 years.

He started not wanting to go to school after this , making up any excuse , feigning illness , he has no sleep pattern whatsoever and worst of all IBS brought on by stress.

He is so clever , stubborn and thinks he knows everything like normal teenagers , doesn't see the point in school , if he doesn't respect a teacher he doesn't see the point in putting in any effort in their class.

He wants to be a lawyer and I have told him until I'm blue in the face that unless he does well in school , and that means actually turning up then he has no chance but this still doesn't make him want to help himself.

We have now gotten.into a vicious circle of him having an IBS flare up and refusing to go to school because his symptoms are basically chronic constipation which then causes leakage and him soiling himself ( school have been amazing btw saying he can use the staff toilet and keep a change of clothing in the staff room ) but he still refuses to go because he says it's embarrassing, but then because he doesn't want to be at school this causes him stress which leads to another IBS flare up.

Gp only wants to treat the symptoms not the cause so he is on medication to regulate his bowel , we've been referred to CAMHS twice , first time they offered counselling through relate which didn't help , second time a couple of months ago they discharged him after seeing him twice saying they couldn't help , he had to help himself and that is the most frustrating thing because he doesn't want to help himself because in his eyes having an IBS flare up is a perfect excuse to not have to go to school.

Anything I suggest gets thrown back in my face, yoga, stress techniques , exercise , diet control, etc and I really am at a loss what to try next.

He will be going into his final year at school after the summer holidays and all I want for him.is for him to achieve his goal of going to college to do A levels in law, psychology, sociology and politics but if this carries on for another year it just won't happen.

I tried to get an appointment with my GP this morning after another unsuccessful battle to get him in to school but all I got was a phonecall back from my gp advising us to stop his IBS medication for 48 hrs then start it again.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

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Mary21 · 18/07/2017 15:23

Have you looked at non school options. Either online school such as interhigh. Or utc or studio schools. With the latter two options he would still need to go to school. Also some sixth form colleges take 14-16 year olds.
Do you see EWO
Was the IBS diagnosed by the gp or inflammatory bowel disorder team. If GP I would go and see the gp and request appointment with your local IBD team.
Consider home education or online school for a year to reduce stress and see if you get his bowel condition under control. For a teenager bowel leakage must be awful

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HelenLM · 18/07/2017 18:59

Hi Mary,

We've looked at all schooling options , no 6th form colleges take younger children in our area , and no , we aren't seeing the EWO, my son attends an Academy not governed or helped by our LEA.

As for his IBS , just diagnosed by his GPS, I didn't even know there was a IBD team , so that is one avenue I can definitely explore.

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Therealslimshady1 · 18/07/2017 20:46

Is his tutor or head of year any good?

They should be working with you to help get DS in school

Poor boy and poor you, this must be so hard!

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bandito · 18/07/2017 20:55

It sounds as if the school is trying to make the reasonable adjustments that it can to encourage him into school.
What does his dad think? Would he step up to help you get DS back into some kind of education?
Counselling around his feelings about his family - did you do relate when it was offered?
Alternative Provision for students with medical conditions? Some areas have these and although the school-avoidance is emotionally-based, it also has a physical element, so ask the school about that possibly. Not all areas have these, but may be able to offer blended learning (mixture of online / tutor / small group for children too sick to attend mainstream) - you could possibly crowbar him into that category if the school was canny.

Just some thoughts - I work in an area where we are familiar with these kinds of issues.

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Blanketdog · 19/07/2017 07:20

I wonder whether he is attention seeking in his behaviour, it feels like he is fighting back at the world, this is his way of expressing his anger and frustration and if you backed off and just pretended everything was normal maybe he'd come around himself. Teens sometimes lose the will to fight when no one fights with them.

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Iluvthe80s · 20/07/2017 10:20

Your poor boy. And poor you. Very distressing for you both-really feel for you. Some really useful and positive advice above from people who clearly know what they are talking about regarding schooling options. I wonder whether it might be worth investing in some private psychology sessions for him if CAMHS will not help. As others have said, the IBS sounds like a result of how he is feeling, so helping him deal with those issues, may help the IBS and also help him feel better about himself. I imagine he cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment, so needs some time to feel mentally and physically well, before he can focus on studies....wherever that may be. With the Summer holidays coming up, it will be interesting to see if he feels better at all as the stress of school will be removed.

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Ceefax101 · 21/07/2017 08:46

There is a FB group for us parents of school refusers, please PM me if you'd like the link. It's a hard journey.

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PoisonousSmurf · 21/07/2017 08:52

Home school or technical college.

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