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Both teens at uni in sept ... and we really want to move house ..

(185 Posts)
ginorwine Sat 15-Jul-17 23:10:55

I posted about this on aibu as we were wondering if it was fair to move house when ds is 2o and dd is 18 and both would really want us to stay in the family home when they are at uni so that they can come back to their long term family home ,see friends plus easily get work over the summer .
Dh and I have seen amazing long term home 17c cottage with view over sea in quite an isolated area . Dh really loves it .
I think the cottage is amazing and not many are in our price range there and we can only afford it as owner open to low offer due to personal circumstance s .
My dh can't quite retire yet as we want to support dc Thro uni and he has suggested that we buy the cottage but stay here in a Caravan ( rents too high if paying mortgage on the cottage ) and visit as much as can . He then wants to retire next summer which will mean ds has had 2 out of three years support at uni and dd one but from his pension lump sum give her the equivalent support that ds will have had (6k)
So this sorted practically .
The issue that is greatly worrying me is that the dc wd want us to stay here for continuity , sense of home and their friends as well as ability to get summer jobs . Ds at home from uni at mo and he is having great time seeing pals .
I'm really upset at the possibility of them not being able to come home and then poss be lonely in the new place say in a long summer , but at the same time I realise that the cottage is a long term life choice . I feel it is selfish as a parent to go for the cottage and affect my dc .. but if we lose the cottage .. and im going in circles here . I don't want to be at the cottage feeling guilty and bad about things - it wd spoil it . Delaying the actual move from our city is my suggestion - tho dh n I wd be in the caravan we cd pay for a holiday let for couple weeks of the summer in our city .. then they cd have time in cottage ..?
Wisdom please .
My instinct is to provide for dc and stay but dh has said some dc have had worse and tho it may unsettle them we shd thknk of ourselves ?
If I shd do that please tell he how to convince myself !!

OP’s posts: |
JeffStellingsLeftEyebrow Sat 15-Jul-17 23:14:34

Is there enough room at the cottage to house dcs? How far away is it?

bellabelly Sat 15-Jul-17 23:16:33

My parents moved when I was just about to start uni. I really resented them for it at the time, for all the reasons you've said above - sorry, probably not what you want to hear.

HOWEVER, as soon as I finished uni, I moved to London for my new job and didn't give a second's thought as to whether they'd be ok with me leaving home! (To be fair, tey relocated hundreds of miles from where we'd previously lived, so it didn't feel like home to me anyway.

If you miss out on this "dream home", for the sake of just a couple more years of staying put for your kids (who are both adults now), I think you'd regret it a lot. They can visit friends during holidays and arrange to see them during term time - they don't need you to stay stuck in your house to continue their friendships.

Bluntness100 Sat 15-Jul-17 23:16:36

There is nothing wrong with what you wish to do, but for me personally, our home is a family home, and until my child is settled permanently I wouldn't consider it, I wouldn't even have viewed. We will also support her until her education is done, not partially done with the hardest bit still to go.

However we are all different as parents and there is no right or wrong, your husbands way is not our way, but it will be other people's and some people would not think twice about moving, cutting support and ending it there.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 15-Jul-17 23:17:29


It'll always be my answer no matter how many times you ask it.

Not yet.

AndNowItIsSeven Sat 15-Jul-17 23:19:26

Logically it doesn't make much sense your dh paying your dd the £6k as she will then get the maximum loan.
The chances of her ever paying of the last £6k of her loan are minimal, so it is just wasted money really.

JeanSeberg Sat 15-Jul-17 23:20:44

Is your dh their father?

MajesticWhine Sat 15-Jul-17 23:27:32

There will always be another cottage when the time is right. I wouldn't do it.

OhDearToby Sat 15-Jul-17 23:28:24

My parents moved when I left home at 17 (I am the youngest so last to leave) into a small seaside cottage. It's never felt like home to me because it's never been my home.

I barely visit them to be honest. There just isn't the room now I have 3 children (we live 300 miles away so need to stay over) but even before they were born I didn't tend to go there much. A couple of times a year was the maximum and I haven't been at all in the past year. They come to us to see the grandchildren.

I don't hold it against them though. They spent a long time only thinking of us so they deserve to live their life now how they want.

Xmasbaby11 Sat 15-Jul-17 23:30:17

No. I wouldn't consider moving yet. I'd still see it as the dc's home while they're at that stage of life.

Popchyck Sat 15-Jul-17 23:34:02

You talk about your DH and what he wants. And then about your children and how they might feel about it.

What do you want? I know you've said you want to provide the current home for your DC. But if you take them out of the equation (hard I know), what do you want?

If you were single with no children, what would you want to do?

3boys3dogshelp Sat 15-Jul-17 23:37:34

My parents moved to their dream home when i had three years left at uni. Their new house is beautiful but it's miles down a farm track and 50 miles from where I grew up.
I hated going to visit because once I was there I couldn't leave unless they took me out! No friends, no nightlife, no chance of getting a holiday job as I couldn't get there under my own steam and my parents were both working full time.
I definitely stayed at uni as much as possible and they couldn't seem to understand why hmm. I was an adult though and I wasn't cross with them - they had their own life to lead which didn't revolve around me any more.

ginorwine Sun 16-Jul-17 07:12:28

If it was just us I would go .

OP’s posts: |
ginorwine Sun 16-Jul-17 07:14:18

It's 3 hours away
There is plenty of space that is a big factor why we chose it
There are very few properties we can afford there - it's only because it's reduced can we afford it

OP’s posts: |
ginorwine Sun 16-Jul-17 07:18:45

I'm sorry I keep going on and on about it
My heart says one thing - stay for dc
My head says this opportunity won't come again
I'd feel terribly guilty if we went but don't want to regret it in long term ....

OP’s posts: |
sooperdooper Sun 16-Jul-17 07:20:40

I don't understand the bit about staying in a caravan, why wouldn't you live in the cottage if you buy it?

I assume there's no room for the dc at the caravan? Where will they go for uni holidays? They'd probably stay where they are and get summer jobs there if there's no options at the cottage location

You mention DH retiring but what about you? Are you working? How would moving to this remote location affect you?

Cakesprinkles Sun 16-Jul-17 07:23:30

I would leave it till they've all finished uni, then sell up and move. You could get away with a smaller house then. Also if your DH still has to work in the city it seems a bit premature?

hesterton Sun 16-Jul-17 07:28:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BossWitch Sun 16-Jul-17 07:34:55

Oh my god just buy it! They are adults. They might like to have the family home to come back to but never mind - as adults they will cope! I left home at 18 to travel, then went to uni, and very rarely went back to the family home once there. I found jobs in my uni city, rented houses in my uni city, lived as what I was - in independent adult! Your kids are not kids any more and you aren't exactly moving to Australia. (For what it's worth, the parents of one of my uni mates moved to Cyprus while he was in first year; he was fine!).

I really don't understand the 'absolutely not, it's my children's home it must be there for them until they are 25' opinion on here. They are ADULTS. So long as the house you are buying had space for them to stay if they need to (gaps between rentals, coming to see you at Xmas etc) go for it.

However - adjust your expectations of how much you might see them in holidays. Expect that they will want to go back to their home town to see mates at some point over the Xmas holiday for example. Don't expect them to want to spend 2 weeks sat in your new house where they don't know anyone. So long as you aren't going to be assuming/ expecting them to cone spend all holidays with you I think you'll be fine. Also make more of an effort to visit them at uni, so they aren't doing all of the travelling to you.

Please buy it OP!

DubiousCredentials Sun 16-Jul-17 07:35:52

So you mean you'd buy the cottage but stay where you are living now in a caravan for the sake of dc? Could you afford to buy the cottage as a buy-to-let and rent it out until dc have finished uni?

crazykitten20 Sun 16-Jul-17 07:37:13

I agree with @Bluntness100

I couldn't move whilst the family home is still my daughters home. Once she's 'gone for good' and set up her own permanent home, then all bets are off 😊

motheroreily Sun 16-Jul-17 07:39:53

My parents moved 6 hours away just before i started uni. It was really unsettling. They moved from the seaside village to an industrial town and it wasn't to their dream home. There were a few other complicating factors too

But it made me miserable. I didn't look forward to the holidays and was very lonely. I wanted to see my friends and somewhere familiar. I spent most holidays back where I grew up and eventually used to stay at my university city all summer

oigetoffmycheese Sun 16-Jul-17 07:40:13

Buy the cottage and rent it out. Move into it once dcs are settled in their own homes.

Best of both worlds smile

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 16-Jul-17 07:40:25

No, I wouldn't.

Have you asked this before? I seem to remember a similar thread.

SmartyPants0 Sun 16-Jul-17 07:43:48

I would say buy it... the can still see their friends and visit their old area... their old friends could come and visit the new place... out if interest is your husband their Dad?

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