14 year old dd and rudeness/discipline

[Dancergirl]

I am having trouble with my 14 year old dd at the moment. She is the middle one of three girls, other two are 16 and 10.

Lots of attitude, rudeness and sarcastic comments. Moaning if I'm a few minutes late to pick her up. When I tell her off or reprimand her, she turns on the martyrdom, 'anything else I'm doing wrong?', 'I'm such a terrible daughter' etc

Dd1 was and is a very easy teen and I think that makes dd2 feel worse about herself. I don't think she likes herself very much at the moment. She hates getting in these moods and finds it hard to snap out of them. She doesn't like the fact that dd1 is more easy going.

But however she feels about herself, I do need to ensure that dd2 knows that rudeness is not tolerated. Up till now we haven't had any real behaviour issues and haven't needed any firm consequences. Although all three dds have had their phones/screen time removed when necessary.

How would you suggest dealing with dd2?

[Blanketdog]

I would firstly check myself, make sure that I was speaking to her respectfully, not like a child but as a young adult, limit commands, do not employ double standards - if you don't want her to be rude to you, then you mustn't be high handed and rude with her.
Then I'd use a combination of ignoring some rude comments - she's trying to tell you she's grown up, but grown up don't speak to each other like that. Refusing to give favours like lifts unless spoken to politely. Gently reminding that you do wish to be spoken to in a rude manner and then walk away DO NOT ENGAGE! DO NOT ARGUE! This is what she wants too and it will not help. Try not to punish - it creates bad feeling and you want your kids to speak to you with respect because they respect you and know it's the right thing to do - you do not want them speaking to you politely because they are scared they might lose their phone!

[Dancergirl]

She definitely likes an argument blanket! Dh especially is one for fuelling it:
'what's the matter dd?'
'don't try to understand'
'I'm just asking after you welfare' and so on....

I do try and point out calmly when she's been rude but then I get a very sulky, sarcastic 'sorry'.