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Starting to regret having DS, 13.

(24 Posts)
missymarmite Tue 04-Jul-17 20:34:51

He is acting out in a serious way. He has got in with a bad crowd, drugs, criminal activity. I found cannabis and tobacco in his possession that he had obtained by stealing DH's prescription meds as he doesn't get much money from us (and none now). I tried talking to him, grounding him (he just runs away, won't stay home). I have now taken all tech, he has no phone, no games console, etc. Finally have said he will have no birthday present/money from any of the family until he changes. He had a hissy fit but still refuses to accept my sanctions for previous behaviour, or for current behaviour. He refuses to stay away from bad kids in town. He just shouts at me an swears at me every time I refuse to back down. We have had the police here umpteen times after reporting him missing almost on a daily basis. School is involved, he has a counciller. I just don't know what to do. I'm losing the will to live. I wish I'd never had him. And I feel awful to feel that way. I never felt this way before.

Angelicinnocent Wed 05-Jul-17 17:44:32

I'm sorry, I have no advice but giving this a bump so maybe someone else can help flowers

BrevilleTron Wed 05-Jul-17 17:54:21

They do get better. Keep reassuring him that you love him and it's the behaviour that is the problem. If he feels like he's been punished for everything he doesn't have an incentive to change it. I'm trying love bombing with my DD 16. Even though there are times I really want to shake her!!

The book 'How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk' is pretty good.
Hang in there. flowers

SuperRainbows Wed 05-Jul-17 17:56:09

How sad for you all. Sounds awful. He sounds very unhappy.

Would he go to family counselling with you to try and get to the bottom of why he's making such destructive choices and refusing to accept consequences?

What was he like as a younger boy?

Totallyoverwhelmed42 Wed 05-Jul-17 18:52:13

They get easier........ in about 3 years. DD was a complete nightmare from 11/12-16 , she's 16 now and we still have difficulties but they aren't daily anymore and she's much better company. Not sure what I'd advise as I just spend 3 years going in circles but if you can jump on any positive you can and praise him for it, it's to easy to become stuck in a negative spiral. How is he at school?

missymarmite Wed 11-Oct-17 00:20:26

Update;

Since I last posted I tried to give my son lots of love and affection, I eased up on the discipline, just expecting him home by 8pm and gave him opportunities to earn back privileges, etc. I don't really regret having him, but there are times when I simply don't feel able to cope.

Things finally came to a head when he was caught shoplifting and charged with that and for attacking another boy his own age (he is now 14). Soon after that he stole cash from my wallet (not the first time) and from his step-sister who is 15 and has a little job. This infuriated me. Money has been going missing for a long time along with other things like his younger step-sister's chewing gum - might seem a small thing, but along with everything else it shows how he has no respect for other people's property.

I decided to search his bag for his step-sister's money when he was asleep, and once again I found cannabis and tobacco along with the money. I hid them. In the morning, when he found them gone he went crazy; shouting, swearing, pushing me, demanding it all back. He started trashing the house, threw my mobile and laptop out of the back door, and would have done the same to my tablet if I hadn't held on really tight. He pushed me over, fortunately onto an armchair as I was attempting to call the police on my husband's phone. My husband was afraid to intervene because in the past my son has accused him of assault.

Eventually he sat out in the back garden and the police took him away. He had also punched the wall so hard that they had to take him to the hospital and he had broken a growth plate in his hand.

Again social services were useless. I got so distressed I seriously contemplated killing myself just to end the pain. My husband had gone to work and i was crying the sort of weeping where you can't breath anymore. I was hysterical. I kept thinking how easy it would be to just cut my wrists and let it all go. Luckily my friend called and I admitted to her what I was feeling. She took me to the GP and within a few days I ended up on a Mental Health ward. I just got out yesterday. Even while I was there social services were on my case demanding I find somewhere for my son to stay as my husband was refusing to allow him back in the family home, and my dad and step-mum also felt they couldn't manage his wild behaviour and thieving.

The police had to keep him overnight because social services wouldn't collect him. Luckily they all know him well due to his previous issues and they have been marvellous, patient, caring, etc. They put him up in the police station on the sofa. Eventually social services put him into a foster placement about 20 miles away and every school day he refuses to get in the taxi, running into town to hand out with his druggie pals. Then the police have to pick him up and taxi him to the foster home.

I know it sounds horrible but I dread having him back. I want him back desperately, but I don't know if I can live with his behaviour. As I write, he is missing. The police came looking for him earlier. It is now past midnight and I have no idea where he is or if he is safe. It's just constant worry, stress, ibs, nausea, headaches, tears, indigestion and panic attacks. Social services are back on the case, wanting him to come home but they say they aren't responsible for offering support.

Why is there no help??????? I see on here that there are so many other parents struggling.

missymarmite Wed 11-Oct-17 00:30:26

Another reason I am not impressed with social services is that months ago a previous social worker said she would refer us to family councelling which never materialised. Last week just before I went into hospital she came to see me and I asked her why this councelling hadn't materialised and she just said 'there's a waiting list'.

Fast forward to today, and a new social worker now says that social services don't offer councelling at all and that I need to contact my GP.

Honestly I am so fucking pissed off as every agency seems to just pass the fucking buck!!!

2furbabies Wed 11-Oct-17 01:11:38

Hi op

I don't have much advice because I was just like your child, I was awful! A young female with nothing to loose I just wanted to do drugs all the time and be with my friends confused BUT I eventually sorted myself out and realised I was incredibly depressed and needed help etc. I'm 26 now have a wonderful connection with my family and am due a baby girl any minute now xxx there is hope op I know it doesn't seem like it right now please be strong. I know him having cannabis is bad but it's not half as bad as some of the other stuff he could be doing, he's probs using it to surpress his feelings and to "calm down" I was undiagnosed with ADHD and used to smoke a lot of it as a teenager and (going to get roasted for this) it did actually help me but it was expensive so yes I stole so I could get it blush his behaviour is unacceptable but I do understand it. There is hope for him yet I promise xxxxx

missymarmite Thu 15-Feb-18 12:21:40

Update. Things have gone from bad to worse. He was excluded from school back in November and went to a special school for kids who are at risk of permanent exclusion to help them reintegrate. He got excluded from there after having to be physically restrained on several occasions.

I’m actually scared of him now. He has been physically violent at home, trashing doors, punching holes in walls, throwing things around, etc. He stands close to me yelling obscenities, prevents me from leaving the room or the house. DH has physically moved him out of the way which has lead to DS punching him. DS says he can’t control his temper and I feel like it’s only a matter of time before he attacks me physically. If I don’t give in to his demands it is relentless bullying. I’m so tired. I wish I were dead.

chocolateworshipper Thu 15-Feb-18 21:15:13

I am so sorry. You are right about services being utterly useless. DD took an overdose, but CAMHS decided it "wasn't serious enough" and they didn't need to see her. So of course she took another OD. I've been just a hair's breadth away from a breakdown and have very often wished I was dead because it's been too hard. I have also wished that I never had children and felt guilty for thinking that.

I wish you the very best of luck.

missymarmite Fri 16-Feb-18 00:34:29

Thanks. It’s such a nightmare. My lovely sweet boy had turned into a monster. It’s hell on Earth.

midsummabreak Fri 16-Feb-18 01:07:27

Oh Missymarmite that is so sad for both you and your son. Make a commitment today to be kind to yourself, and do something nice for youself every single day. Do you like any hobbies you could restart to create some peace and much needed me time in your life.
When he gets upset next time, tell him you dont want him to be sad or upset and dont believe any of the nasty things he says , just make a truce, meet him half way.
Both him & you need to take a step away from his aggro crap behaviour
The only way this can happen is if you trick him into it. You cant be walked over and just say yes to all his unreasonable demands but you can meet him halfway. This way you can role model compromising and has less to Butt Heads" against. Therefore , in time, you trick him into meeting you half way on all his points of disagreement.
Well, give or take 3 years or so, as others say, some teens dig their heels in for some time before they settle and pull their bloody nasty heads in!
But dont ever give up darling - us Mums have ypur back. Being on the recieving end of abuse from your own child isheartbreaking. I am sending you a cuddle & a cuppa & flowers cos I know how sad this feels. See what you think, honey, and who knows, this meeting him halfway may catch on

midsummabreak Fri 16-Feb-18 01:09:27

brewflowers
bear

guest477337 Fri 16-Feb-18 01:30:23

I'm so sorry to heR this. Just try and keep your chin up, it will get better one day 🍰💐

cantthinkofabloodyname Fri 16-Feb-18 02:28:19

I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling to get the help that you as a family need so badly. My opinion on CAMHS is that they are bloody useless, as they are more interested in clearing a backlog & discharging kids before they have even seen them. Stay strong OP and remember that you have support on here.

missymarmite Fri 16-Feb-18 13:43:36

Thanks all. You have no idea how much a few kind words brightens up a hellish day xxx ☀️

KateGrey Fri 16-Feb-18 13:49:39

My children are much younger so I don’t have anything to add. But I’m sending you a hug which I know is quite useless.

Stormwhale Fri 16-Feb-18 13:57:03

Op sorry to suggest something so awful, but do you think he may have been abused? My dp hit the self destruct button in our teens and completely lost control. He had been abused and he was incredibly angry and confused and just wanted to destroy everything. The level of anger you are saying about, alongside the fact that he used to be lovely make me think something awful has happened to him.

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like hell on earth, and I just wanted to send you some support and well wishes. flowers

picklemepopcorn Fri 16-Feb-18 14:04:49

thanks

lucylouuu Fri 16-Feb-18 14:06:25

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through OP, it must be a really tough time and very hard on you, your DP and his sister too thanks

ragged Fri 16-Feb-18 18:46:34

sorry to read about you going thru this. x

flapjackfairy Fri 16-Feb-18 18:57:09

Is your son back home then ? If so you need to tell ss he needs another foster placement asap. They will threaten and guilt trip you but all i can say is next time he turns violent have him removed by the police and absolutely refuse to have him back as he is a risk to you all . You can use the need to safeguard your step daughter as you need to protect her as well as yourself.
It is appalling that you should have to make your son homeless to get something done but it is sometimes all that works.
I feel so for you all inc your lad who sounds v unhappy and hope you get some help. Sending best wishes . X

flapjackfairy Fri 16-Feb-18 19:01:41

Ps i wasnt suggesting you abandon him btw merely try to deal with the issues by parenting at a distance as it were to give you all space to try and work through the issues X

SneakyGremlins Fri 16-Feb-18 19:10:03

I wouldn't wait for him to be violent again. I assume the police have a record of all these incidents? Go to the police station and let them know he needs to leave. Tell them you're afraid for your life. Because you are. flowers

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